


Make the Wind Blow Back to You

by barbitone



Series: Voltron Fanfiction [27]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, As far as Sendak/Lotor goes its messed up, Bullying, Childhood Friends, Childhood Sweethearts, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, First Love, Fluff, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Master/Slave, Mind Fuck, Mind Manipulation, Oral Sex, Orphans, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prisoner of War, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sex, Sharing a Bed, Space Battles, Stockholm Syndrome, Torture, canon era AU, graphic non con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-03-05
Packaged: 2019-10-31 08:20:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 42,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17845823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barbitone/pseuds/barbitone
Summary: Despite a rough start to his life, Lotor’s future looked bright. He was the star pilot of the Garrison and getting closer to living his dreams of going up into space and exploring the universe. Best of all, he was together with Shiro- his childhood best friend and more recently, his boyfriend.When Lotor was selected for a solo test flight everything took a turn for the worst. He was captured by the Galra and made to fight in the area at the pleasure of Commander Sendak. He was made to do so much more than that, too.But Shiro wasn’t about to buy a story about pilot error and give up on him. He had no real plan, no way of looking for Lotor- but he had the will and the resolve to do anything it took to get him back.***Note- this is a Canon Era AU, Lotor is still technically a prince although he doesn't know it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, this one is going to be a bit of a wild ride. Please mind the tags/warnings- things get dark in chapter 3 and the Sendak/Lotor content is non consensual and very explicit.
> 
> Until then we've got mostly fluff, although there is some bullying in this chapter. This fic stands (almost) finished, and will be posting regularly probably roughly twice a week.
> 
> Huge thank you to [Lutz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lutz/pseuds/lutz), my fabulous beta!
> 
> Title is from [Axolotl~ Cosmo Sheldrake](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gi68aYAKM1Y). 
> 
> Please comment if you like the fic :)

 

***** Prologue *****

  
Krota bit back a gasp as the doctor placed the newborn into her arms. He was so painfully small. He wasn’t crying, he was barely breathing. But worst of all- he looked almost entirely _Altean_. He had light brown skin and small purple marks under his eyes and wider stripes of purple over his chest and arms and legs, a small tuft of soft white hair on his head, odd rounded ears. Everything about him was soft and small and she couldn’t help smiling as she held him, ducking her head so no one saw.

She cradled him to her chest as she carried him over to the basin. At the first touch of the warm washcloth against his skin he started to fuss and opened his eyes, bright purple with yellow sclera. He had Zarkon’s eyes- or at least, what his eyes had looked like before the quintessence field. Maybe that would be enough, but somehow she doubted it.

Krota washed him gently, lingering over the poor sweet darling. This may be the only gentle touch he would ever experience. Finally she could delay no longer and she swaddled the babe before bringing him back to present him to Emperor Zarkon.

“Your son, sire,” she said, averting her gaze.

For a long moment the Emperor was silent, and then he scowled and turned away. “This thing is no son of mine,” he said. “Get rid of it.”

“Yes, sire,” she whispered, cradling the child close to her chest as he cooed happily, painfully unaware of the cruel world he’d been born into.

She knew what Emperor Zarkon meant, of course she did. But he hadn’t said to kill him, and she wouldn’t, _couldn’t_ do that even if he had. She wished she could keep him for her own but it was too dangerous, for both of them. She had to get him far away from here, she had to get him somewhere where he could have a chance.

Krota waited for the middle of the sleep cycle before sneaking back down to the nursery. She took the boy and put him in a small cryo-chamber along with a recording device. She’d cared for Honerva during her pregnancy, she knew what they wanted to name him, back when they wanted him, when they were _themselves_. She murmured his name into the recording device before she sealed it, and him, in the chamber.

It was easy enough to get him to an escape pod. There was no destination, no place he could be safe, so she simply launched it with no coordinates, hoping for the best.

“Safe travels, Prince Lotor,” she whispered as she watched the pod disappear.

 

* * *

 

 

***** Part I *****

 

“Do you know what time it is?”

Lotor closed his book with a sigh. Of course it was too much to hope for to be left alone for just an hour, a _moment_. He looked up at five boys, staring at him coldly.

“No, Tommy. But I’m sure you’re about to tell me,” he said with a scowl.

“It’s beat the freak time,” the older boy said with a nasty grin before knocking the book out of his hands and grabbing his wrist to yank him up to his feet. He didn’t waste any time before punching Lotor in the stomach and he doubled over with a groan, fighting not to throw up.

He looked around the small bare yard of the orphanage, trying to see if anyone would help him- but it was useless. It was always useless. The adults were too busy talking to each other, and none of the other kids cared what happened to him, what happened to the _freak_.

Tommy yanked on his hair to pull him up and he winced at the sharp pain.

“Look at me,” Tommy said with a grin. “Say it, say you’re a freak.”

Lotor glared at him silently, his whole body shaking with anger.

“Say you’re a freak and I’ll let you go,” Tommy said, yanking harder.

Lotor tried to kick him, scratch him, but it was no use- Tommy was so much bigger than him. He and his friends laughed at his pathetic attempt and he felt tears rise to his eyes. But he wouldn’t cry, he _wouldn’t_.

“Say it!” Tommy yelled, hitting him again. Lotor gasped and wrapped his arms around his middle, but he couldn’t sink down to the ground like he wanted to with Tommy still holding his stupid ugly hair.

“I’m a freak,” Lotor whispered, closing his eyes. “I’m a freak, alright? Will you leave me alone now?”

“No,” Tommy smirked.

Lotor couldn’t help sniffling then, and he _hated_ himself for it. There were tears streaming down his face and he’d told himself he wouldn’t cry anymore, he’d _promised_ himself. And now he was crying and it was horrible. Tommy was so pleased as he looked down at him.

“Hey,” someone said, walking over.

Lotor looked up to see a boy he’d never seen before coming closer. He was big, bigger than Tommy. He was smiling, but there was something mean about it. “What are you guys doing?” he asked.

“Beating the freak,” Tommy said, rolling his eyes. “What are you, new?”

“Yeah,” the new boy said before winding up and punching Tommy right in the face.

Tommy let go of Lotor as he stumbled back with a gasp before straightening and pressing his hand to his cheek, glaring at the newcomer. Lotor fell to the ground helplessly, breathing hard as he stared up at all of them. Everything hurt, and he was still _crying_ and it was awful.

“I’d get out of here if I were you,” the stranger said with that same mean smile.

Tommy glared but he motioned to his friends and then all five of them were leaving and it was just Lotor and the new boy.

“Hi,” the new boy said. “I’m Shiro.” He offered Lotor his hand to help him up but Lotor backed away instead, standing on his own. He didn’t know what to make of Shiro, but everything in his life had taught him to treat new things and people with distrust. He wiped at his face with his sleeve instead of answering.

“What’s your name?” Shiro asked, dropping his hand awkwardly.

“Lotor,” Lotor bit out.

“What are you reading?” Shiro asked, bending down to pick up the book he’d dropped. “Cool,” he said as he flipped through. “Space? I love space. I want to be a pilot one day, I want to go up there and see it all for myself.”

“Me too,” Lotor said quietly.

Shiro looked at him and his smile was _warm_ now, big and open, sincere. He stuck his hand out again. “Do you want to be friends?”

Lotor stared at his hand, unsure and bewildered. No one had ever wanted to be his friend before. “But I- I’m the freak,” he said slowly.

“Why?” Shiro asked, like it wasn’t already obvious.

“ _Why?_ ” Lotor asked, glaring at him. “My- my hair, my eyes, my-” he scowled as he motioned to the purple marks over his cheeks.

“I like your hair,” Shiro said with a smile. “And your eyes. And your birthmarks. They’re pretty.”

_Pretty?_

“You shouldn’t,” Lotor said, taking a small step back. “They’ll pick on you too, then.”

Shiro shrugged. “I’ll pick on them first, and better. They won’t know what hit ‘em.”

Lotor laughed, wiping at his face again and pushing his hand through his hair.

“I’m lonely,” Shiro added quietly. “And I’m scared, and sad. I need a friend. And I like you best. Please?”

Lotor swallowed, and then he reached out to take Shiro’s hand. “Ok,” he said with a smile. “Ok, let’s be friends.”

 

* * *

 

Shiro sat next to him during dinner time, and they talked about space, and he was- he was amazing. Lotor had never met anyone like him before and his whole body felt warm, he felt like his heart was glowing. Shiro was- he was-

Lotor didn’t have words for what he was, all he knew was he’d never felt this good before.

Tommy glared at him from across the table and then Shiro glared back, tightening his hand into a fist, and Tommy _stopped_ and Lotor felt safe for the first time in- _ever_. He laughed as he ate, as they talked, and was this what having a friend was like? It was the best feeling in the entire world.

After lights-out Lotor lay awake in the dormitory as he waited, clutching his pillow close to his chest. He waited until he heard it- the unmistakable sound of muffled crying. Everyone always cried their first night, and everyone else always ignored it. But it was Shiro now, and Lotor stood and grabbed his blanket before walking over.

“Hey,” he whispered, touching Shiro’s shoulder gently.

“Lotor?” Shiro whispered back, looking up at him with tears still streaming down his face.

“Yes,” Lotor said. “Move over.”

“Ok,” Shiro breathed out and Lotor climbed into the narrow bed with him and wrapped his arms around him. Shiro froze for a second, and then he hugged Lotor back and pulled him closer.

“It's ok to cry,” Lotor said. ”Everyone cries.”

Shiro sobbed loudly and pressed closer, pushing his face against Lotor's chest.

“It’s going to be ok,” Lotor whispered, stroking Shiro’s hair, his back, doing everything he'd ever wished anyone had done for him.

“I'm scared,” Shiro sobbed out. “And I’m- I’m so alone. My- my parents died a long time ago, I didn’t even know them. But my grandma was taking care of me and she’s- she’s gone now. I- I miss her, so badly.”

“I’m sorry,” Lotor said, it was all he could say. He held Shiro close until he stopped crying, and then Shiro tightened his arms a little and looked up.

“What about you?” he asked. “What about- how did you come here? Did you cry too?”

“I- I don’t know,” Lotor said. “I’ve always been here. I don’t- I don’t know anything else.”

“I’m sorry,” Shiro said.

“Maybe it’s better that way,” Lotor said, closing his eyes. “Maybe it- I don’t know. Maybe it hurts less not to know.”

“I know it doesn’t,” Shiro whispered, and suddenly it was such a comfort to be so close, held like this.

Lotor ducked his head and closed his eyes, and they held each other for a long time before they fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

Shiro was the best, Shiro was _amazing._ He knew all kinds of cool things and he taught Lotor all of them- taught him to play checkers, to whistle, to throw a punch. He told Lotor about the Garrison, about their space program, and they talked about what it would be like to go together, what it would be like to explore the universe.

Most nights Shiro snuck into Lotor’s bed so they could fall asleep together, and neither of them cried as much anymore.

As they got older, Lotor worried that maybe Shiro would stop but he never did. Instead Shiro found a way to switch beds so they were next to each other and it was even easier than before to whisper after lights out, to be close.

For once Lotor found himself looking forward to waking up in the morning, looking forward to the future.

 

* * *

 

“You’re not going?” Shiro asked.

Lotor looked up from his book slowly, scoffing. “Why bother? It’s all some stupid trick.”

“You really need to work on your trust issues,” Shiro said with a smile, offering his hand.

“I don’t have trust issues.” Lotor rolled his eyes but took Shiro’s hand anyway, letting him pull him to his feet. “I trust _you_ , don’t I? And anyway- don’t you find this attempt to recruit vulnerable youths into a quasi-military organization to be ominously predatory-”

“Please don’t lecture me on the evils of capitalism right now,” Shiro interrupted with a laugh. “It’s- it’s fun. I’ve tried it. The simulator is like- it’s like a video game. You’d be good at it.”

“Maybe,” Lotor muttered as he let Shiro draw him over. He tried not to shiver at the feeling of Shiro’s palm over his own. Shiro was like- like sunshine and cool rain, like laughter and ice cream, like flowers and joy, wrapped up into one person. Shiro was the best thing that had ever happened to him, and Lotor would do anything for him, anything at all.

“Come on,” Shiro said. “Isn’t this what we’ve always wanted? Joining the Garrison, going up to the stars? They’re here now, you have to try at least! I promise I won’t make fun of you when you stink up the place.”

“I’m not going to stink up the place,” Lotor muttered, even though he knew exactly what Shiro was doing- taunting him to push him onwards.

He followed Shiro into the simulator and sat in the seat, breathing slowly to calm himself as he set his hands over the controls. But in the end it was easy, and Shiro had been right- it was _fun_. He found himself grinning as he beat level after level, and when he finally lost and hit an asteroid he frowned and let go of the controls with a hiss.

“I think I could do better next time,” he said. “I was just- I was startled. But next time, I could-”

“Lotor,” Shiro said, and there was something odd in his voice.

“What?” Lotor asked, looking over at him. Shiro was staring at him wide-eyed and flushed, and Lotor couldn’t help flushing too. “ _What?_ ” he asked. “Did I really do so much worse than you? You’ve never gloated before-”

“No,” Shiro said with a laugh, coming closer. “No, I didn’t- you- _Lotor_. You’re- you’re amazing. You’ve done at least three times better than anyone else. Including me.”

“What?” Lotor breathed out, suddenly afraid.

“Lotor,” Commander Iverson said. “You’re- how old are you now?”

“Fifteen?” Lotor said uncertainly.

“I think- I think we’d like to have you at the Garrison. If you’d like that.”

“But I- I’m too young,” Lotor breathed out, staring at Shiro before him. He didn’t want them to be apart, Shiro was everything, Shiro was _home_.

“I think with these scores we can make an exception,” Iverson said. “Think about it,” he added, seeing the uncertainty in Lotor’s eyes. He left and then it was just Lotor and Shiro in the simulator and Shiro stepped forward before sinking to his knees in front of him and setting his hands over Lotor’s thighs.

“You’re amazing,” he said. “You- you’re- you have to do it. You understand that, right? You have to. You’re better than anyone else.”

“But- but I-” Lotor managed, taking Shiro’s hands in his own. “But I can’t- I can’t do it without you.”

“You can,” Shiro said firmly, looking up at him with a smile. “You _can_.”

“I don’t want to be alone,” Lotor whispered. He’d been alone for so long until Shiro had come along, and he didn’t want to do it again.

“You won’t be alone,” Shiro said. “I’ll be there soon- you know I will. But this is what we’ve always wanted, isn’t it? To be pilots, to go out there? This is your chance. Take it.”

Lotor closed his eyes as he tightened his hands over Shiro’s.

“You can- you can blaze the trail for us,” Shiro continued. “Figure out all the best places to eat, and hang out and- and then when I get there you can show me. You know you want this, Lotor. You know you do. I’m not going to hold you back, I want you to succeed. I- I- Lotor. I-”

“Ok,” Lotor whispered, opening his eyes to look down at Shiro’s earnest face. “I’ll go. And I’ll- figure everything out. For you, for us. For when you come to join me.”

“Yeah,” Shiro said with a laugh. “Yeah. I’ll miss you. But- but it’ll be good. You deserve this.”

Lotor didn’t answer, instead he slid down to the ground and wrapped his arms around Shiro before him. He tried not to cry as he thought about being without him, and maybe Shiro knew because he hugged him back, warm and tight.

“I love you,” Shiro said and Lotor shivered. He knew what he meant, he knew Shiro meant he loved him like a brother. Maybe that should have been enough, but-

“I love you too,” Lotor said vehemently. And he didn’t mean it like a brother. He loved Shiro like a fish loved the ocean, like lightning loved the storm. Shiro was _everything_ and he wanted everything, to kiss him, to touch him-

But he couldn’t have that. So instead he kept his hands from straying, kept himself from shivering against Shiro’s strong body, kept himself from whimpering at the feeling of Shiro’s arms around his waist, his palms pressed flat to his back, hot like a brand.

“You’ll do great,” Shiro said. “And- and I’ll be there soon. Before you know it.”

“Yeah,” Lotor whispered against his neck, closing his eyes.

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

* * *

 

The orphanage was so cold and lonely with Lotor gone, so Shiro threw himself into his school work instead. He threw all of himself into getting better, smarter, stronger. If he was good enough maybe he could go to the Garrison early, before he was eighteen. Maybe he could close the distance between them.

It took two years, too long, but when Commander Iverson came back with the simulator Shiro was ready. He did better than everyone else, not as good as Lotor but good enough for Iverson to put his hand on his shoulder and smile at him widely.

“I can go?” Shiro asked, wiping his sweaty palms restlessly on his pants.

“Yes,” Iverson said and Shiro laughed.

He was nervous as he stepped into the main hall for the induction ceremony. He couldn’t help looking around, searching the audience for Lotor. It had been two years since they’d last seen each other, spoken to each other. Anything could have happened. But Lotor wouldn’t have forgotten about him, he _wouldn’t_ have.

After the induction ceremony he was given his room assignment and he wandered numbly through the halls, still hoping-

But Lotor was nowhere to be found.

He lay in bed for a long while after lights out, and then he sighed and sat up. He couldn’t sleep, so he may as well walk. He wandered through the halls for a while but it was too depressing, too silent and lonely. As soon as he could, he slipped outside, reveling in the dry night air. He kept walking until he heard something, someone saying-

“-do you have to be such a dick? I’m just trying to help you-”

The voice was so familiar, and then there was a loud meow and Shiro couldn’t help but smile as he walked closer.

“Dammit, could you _not_ claw the shit out of me?”

Shiro stole closer to see a young man holding his hand out towards a cat, hissing at him out of the darkness.

“You stupid baby,” the young man crooned gently, “you stinky bastard- could you please just be cool for once, and-”

“Lotor?” Shiro asked.

The young man looked up with a gasp and Shiro grinned. It was him- it was _him._

Lotor stood slowly and he was- he was _tall._ Shiro could barely catch his breath.

“Shiro?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Shiro said with a laugh, stepping closer. “I told you I’d come, I told you I’d-”

“Shiro!” Lotor cried out, closing the distance between them to wrap Shiro up in his arms. And he was- he was _huge_ now, so tall, his hands were so big-

Shiro laughed weakly. Lotor was warm, and he smelled of soap and the night air and for some reason Shiro was having trouble thinking straight. “Yeah, it’s- it’s me.”

“I missed you,” Lotor said into his hair. “I- I- did you get smaller?”

Shiro laughed louder. “I think you got bigger,” he said. “Not so scrawny anymore, huh?”

“I guess not,” Lotor said, tightening his arms. _“Shiro."_

“Yeah,” Shiro said, pressing his face into Lotor’s neck. “Yeah, I- I’m here now. I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” Lotor said and Shiro closed his eyes with a happy sigh.

 

* * *

 

It was strange, and amazing, and _fun._

It was strange to have Lotor so much higher above him in the ranks, but they still ate together, laughed together. It was amazing to see how much everyone respected him and Shiro loved it- loved to see that everyone finally knew how amazing Lotor was at last. And it was _fun_ \- being in the Garrison together, sneaking around, hanging out just like they had before.

Lotor grinned at him at meal times, and waggled his eyebrows at him during training, and made fun of Shiro’s sim scores before giving him tips on how to do better. Every few nights he’d show up to Shiro’s room and take him off somewhere- to the roof of the garrison, to race hoverbikes, to feed his mean stinky dumpster cats, to play cards in his room.

Shiro was finally learning to fly, finally getting closer to achieving all his dreams, but suddenly all he could think about was Lotor. He was so beautiful, had he always been this beautiful? Somehow Shiro had never noticed before, and now that he had he couldn’t stop.

They sparred together sometimes, and Lotor was so strong now, his shoulders were so wide. It was amazing and it was agony, trying to hide how much Shiro wanted him. He couldn’t stop thinking about Lotor’s smile, his hair, his _eyes._ He couldn’t stop leaning closer, taking his hand, and sometimes he thought maybe Lotor blushed when he did. He thought maybe… maybe Lotor wanted him too.

“I missed you,” Shiro slurred one night after they’d been drinking cheap beer on a blanket in the desert.

“I know,” Lotor laughed, “I missed you too. You know I did, and I know you-”

“Yeah,” Shiro said, leaning closer and dropping his hand to Lotor’s thigh. Lotor paused, looking at him nervously.

“I’m drunk,” Shiro whispered. “Are you drunk?”

“Yes,” Lotor whispered back and Shiro didn’t believe him. But that didn't matter. All that mattered was the lie, the ruse, the excuse.

“I- if you don’t want this, we can pretend it never happened, ok?” Shiro asked, suddenly feeling brave. “We can pretend I didn’t, we didn’t, but I- I just want to-”

“Shiro?” Lotor asked in confusion.

But that was when Shiro pressed closer and brushed his lips against Lotor’s. He gasped, feeling like electricity was pulsing through him, and drew back in fear. He looked at Lotor, staring at him wide-eyed.

“Lotor?” he asked at last, suddenly absolutely terrified. Had he just ruined everything? Burned down the only family he had?

Lotor bit his lip and looked down, and then he put his hand on the back of Shiro’s neck and dragged him in closer and they were kissing again and Shiro was dizzy and happy and so completely overwhelmed.

He couldn’t help laughing against Lotor’s mouth and Lotor pulled back, laughing too.

“What?” he asked.

“I just-” Shiro managed, “I just- I’m so happy.”

“Yeah,” Lotor said, and kissed him again.

 

* * *

 

Everything got so much better now that they were _together._ They kissed between classes, and held hands during meals, and Shiro had never been happier.

Except-

Lotor seemed oddly distant just at the times when they should have been the closest. He only wanted to make out in the hallways, in the simulator, in places where they couldn’t go any further. Shiro wondered if maybe it was some kind of- of- _thing._ Like a- a sex thing. If he could only get turned on when they risked being caught.

Except that didn’t make any sense, everything he knew about Lotor pointed to something else, something Shiro didn’t quite understand.

He wanted to go further than kissing so badly, wanted more, and he had a feeling Lotor did too except he always found an excuse to stop them, to leave.

Finally Shiro waited for the perfect night, for when they were hanging out in Lotor’s room alone, laughing about nothing and everything. Shiro pressed closer and pushed Lotor down against the sheets of his bed, kissing him. Everything was going so well, and then Shiro reached for the fastenings of his uniform and Lotor gasped and raised his hands to stop him.

“It’s late,” he said, looking away. “Maybe you should-”

“It’s not that late,” Shiro said. “We could still- if we wanted to-”

“I don’t know, it’s-”

“Lotor, what’s wrong?” Shiro asked. “Don’t you want me? I want you.”

“I- I do,” Lotor said with a wince. “It’s just-”

“Just what?” Shiro whispered. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Lotor said defensively, and when Shiro just stared at him he sighed sharply and looked away. “Me,” he said at last. “I’m what’s wrong. I’m- I’m a freak.”

“Lotor,” Shiro said quietly. “You know I don’t think that. You know I think you’re beautiful, amazing-”

“You say that _now_ ,” Lotor said sharply. “But I- I’m-”

“What?” Shiro asked.

Lotor was silent for a long time, refusing to meet his gaze. “Different,” he said at last.

“So?” Shiro asked. “I want you. I want to see you- please.”

“Alright,” Lotor whispered. “Alright, but- but if you don’t want me still, afterwards, I won’t- I’ll understand.”

Shiro laughed. “You’re ridiculous. Of course I’ll want you. Can I-?”

He didn’t wait for permission before he went to open Lotor’s uniform shirt, undoing the fastenings and pushing the fabric back to reveal his chest.

“Oh,” he breathed out, tracing his fingers over the wide stripes of purple marking Lotor’s skin. “Take this off,” he urged and waited with bated breath as Lotor slowly shrugged off his shirt. “Oh,” he said. Lotor had purple marks curling over his arms, too, and how had he never known this? Never seen this? He was beautiful.

“You’re beautiful,” Shiro said with a smile and didn’t miss the way Lotor shivered under him. He could see that Lotor was hard, and it was easy to open his pants then, to reach into his underwear and pull his cock out.

“Oh,” Shiro whispered as he stared. Lotor’s cock was dark and thick, ridged at the shaft and leaking clear fluid. “Oh, you’re- you’re wet,” he managed.

“Sorry,” Lotor said with a wince, shifting like he was about to move away-

“No,” Shiro said firmly. “No, I- I like it. You’re perfect- you’re- just relax.”

He bent to lick Lotor’s cock carefully, tasting him. He suddenly felt impossibly hot all over, like his skin was too small for his body. He shivered and went to lick Lotor again. He tasted so good- warm and musky and somehow electric, like the air before a storm.

Shiro wrapped his lips around Lotor’s length, suddenly wanting more of him, all of him, and he started moving, bobbing his head up and down. It was amazing, slick and hot, he could feel every ridge over his tongue and he couldn’t help thinking, fantasizing, about what it would feel like to have Lotor inside him, fucking him.

Lotor was making small sounds of pleasure, clutching at the sheets with his head thrown back, and that was amazing too.

“Shiro,” Lotor gasped and suddenly Shiro realized he was still wearing all his clothes like an idiot. It was so hard to stop but he pulled back and practically ripped his uniform off, laughing when he got caught in his shirt, and then Lotor was laughing too and dragging him down for a kiss.

“I love you,” Shiro muttered against his lips. “I love you, I love you, I-”

He cried out when Lotor wrapped his hand around both of them- and wow his hands were _big_ \- and started to stroke. Shiro pressed his face against his neck, whimpering as Lotor sped up, and it was so good, the best thing ever-

“I love you too,” Lotor whispered and Shiro couldn’t help clutching at him, coming.

Lotor came too and then he looked down at the mess over his stomach with a faintly shocked expression and Shiro couldn’t help laughing as he leaned down to kiss him again.

“I can’t believe you like my dumb weird body,” Lotor muttered with a small smile. “Pervert.”

“Nerd,” Shiro laughed. “Does this mean we’re going to stop making out in the simulator? Cause it- it’s hard to focus in there knowing… what we’ve done in there.”

“No, we’re definitely going to still make out in the simulator,” Lotor said, pushing his fingers through Shiro’s hair. “When we have our own ship we’re going to do all kinds of things in there, so you should practice. Besides- you need the extra challenge, how else are you going to get on my level?”

“I’ll show you how, you jerk,” Shiro said with a laugh and tickled his sides.

Lotor gasped with laughter, fighting to get away, and they wrestled in his tiny bed and everything was amazing, everything was _perfect._

 

* * *

 

Shiro had never thought his life could be so good. He smiled proudly when Lotor graduated, when he got promoted to being an instructor, and then Shiro was graduating too and they were _both_ instructors and it was amazing. They were inseparable, and finally their request to be assigned rooms together was approved and they went to sleep together every night, woke up together every morning.

Shiro started thinking about maybe- maybe getting a ring. He started thinking about how he’d ask, how Lotor would want him to ask. And of course that was when everything fell apart.

“Shiro,” Lotor said as he walked into their room.

“Yeah?” Shiro asked, looking up from his paperwork. Lotor seemed off, a little dazed. “What’s wrong?” Shiro frowned.

“Nothing- nothing’s wrong,” Lotor said with a small smile as he ran his hands restlessly through his hair. “I’ve been- I’ve been chosen for a mission. A solo test flight.”

“Really?” Shiro asked with a laugh. “Why are you so- why don’t you seem happy?”

“It’s six months, Shiro,” Lotor said. “I’ll be gone for six months.”

“Oh,” Shiro said, his heart sinking. “Oh. Well- we’ve- we’ve been apart longer than that before, right? It’ll be ok.” It wouldn’t be- it would be agony. But this was what they’d both always wanted, wasn’t it? Flying, seeing the stars? Except Shiro had always imagined them going together, he’d never thought he’d be left behind.

“Will it?” Lotor asked.

“Yes,” Shiro said firmly, standing to walk over and take Lotor’s hands. “It’ll be ok. I’ll be here, waiting for you to get back. And you can- you can tell me all about it afterwards, what it was like. It’ll be- it’ll be great. Amazing.”

“Yeah,” Lotor said with a weak smile and dragged him closer.

Shiro gasped against him as they stumbled over to the bed, fumbling with their clothes as they fought to stay pressed together. Shiro fucked Lotor slowly, holding him tight, trying to memorize everything about this moment- the way Lotor moaned and clutched at him, the way his hair felt against Shiro’s face, silky and cool, the way Lotor whispered his name as he came.

They had two weeks before the mission, and Lotor was busy most of that time with training and meetings, but their nights were spent together and they barely slept with how greedy they were for each other.

Shiro had a strange feeling, like maybe Lotor shouldn’t go, but he couldn’t say that, couldn’t stop him. This was their dream.

Shiro couldn’t shake the feeling that something was horribly wrong as he watched Lotor climbing up into his ship. He forced himself to smile and wave, and didn’t let himself cry until after Lotor took off, and then he couldn’t stop.

He wrapped his arms around himself as he sank to his knees and sobbed. It would be fine- it would all be fine- but he couldn’t make himself believe it.

He was right in the end. At the four month mark the Garrison lost contact with Lotor’s ship, and that was it.

_Pilot Error._

Bullshit.

Shiro wanted to rage, wanted to break every stupid television screen that showed Lotor’s beautiful face next to that disgusting lie- _Pilot Error_. It wasn’t possible, he was too good. Something had happened but he wasn’t dead, he couldn’t be. Shiro refused to believe it.

He ignored the looks of pity everyone threw his way. He set his jaw and hardened his heart. Instead of despairing he did exactly what he’d done the last time they were apart- buckled down and worked harder. He worked to close the distance between them.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, things are about to get fucked. There is explicit non-con here, along with mindfuckery.
> 
> Please read at your own risk.

 

* * *

 

 

When Lotor imagined aliens, he’d pictured little green men with big heads and flying saucers, not _this_ \- this gigantic cruiser glowing with purple accents and venting plasma into space. It seemed damaged maybe, although he had no way to be sure. He’d been excited when he first saw it. He’d been a fool.

They took him, hulking monsters- _Galra_ \- and shackled his hands together, dragged him into a cell with dozens of other strange aliens, other prisoners.

He’d thought humans were alone in the universe and suddenly he was thrown into something he could have never imagined and it was horrible. His mind raced as he tried to figure out what to do, how to get out of this, how to get back to Shiro. But he was so out of his depth, so lost and confused.

The other prisoners seemed afraid of him and he didn’t know why. Maybe it was because he was so much bigger than them, but they didn’t want to meet his eyes, much less talk to him. He was shuffled from cell to cell, from ship to ship, and then for a long time he was left alone. Days passed in silence and Lotor tried to stay strong, tried to think of Shiro and hope, but it was so hard. He was so far away and Lotor couldn’t see any way out of this.

He looked up fearfully when the cell door opened and three Galra came in. One of them was huge, bigger than the rest. He had a strange floating prosthetic arm that was way too big for his body and a round device like a scope in place of one of his eyes.

“This is him? The Altean?”

“Yes, Commander Sendak,” one of the soldiers said.

“Stand up,” Commander Sendak ordered and Lotor got to his feet. His heart was pounding, he was so afraid. He did his best not to show it but Sendak grinned anyway like he knew. “Open your mouth.”

Lotor flinched back, shaking.

“Open your _mouth_ ,” Sendak growled but Lotor shook his head, backing up against the wall. He winced and turned his head as Sendak came towards him and grabbed his face, digging his thick clawed fingers into the hinge of his jaw. “Do it, or I’ll make you do it. You won’t like that, I promise you.”

Lotor closed his eyes, trembling and breathing hard as he did what he was told and opened his mouth, shuddering and fighting not to bite down when he felt one of Sendak’s giant fingers slide inside to stroke his teeth and push down on his tongue. Tears rose to his eyes but he didn’t let them spill over, didn’t want to give this monster the satisfaction of seeing him cry.

“Come here, Haxus,” Sendak said. “Look.”

“Huh,” one of the others said.

“He’s not Altean,” Sendak said. “Alteans don’t have fangs like this, they’re not this big. And his markings- there’s something off about them.”

“Look at his hands,” Haxus muttered. “He’s got claws.”

“What?” Lotor gasped. “What- I don’t-” But Sendak was letting go of his face to take his hand instead. He pushed on Lotor’s palm oddly and Lotor stared in confusion as- as his fingernails _changed_ , turning to claws right before his eyes. He tried yanking his hand back, tried to scratch the Galra, but Sendak just laughed and held on tighter, twisting his hand behind his back and shoving him against the wall chest first.

“You’ve got _Galra_ blood in your veins, little one,” Sendak whispered into his ear. “And you _reek_ of quintessence. How curious.”

“I don’t- I’m not- I’m _human_. I’m human!”

“And you’ve got fire in you, too,” Sendak said with a laugh. “Good, you’ll need it.”

He let Lotor go and stepped back. “We’ll be seeing more of each other soon,” Sendak said. “A lot more. But for now- I want to see how you handle yourself. Haxus?”

“Yes, Commander?”

“Send him to the arena, put him up against something easy, a Unilu perhaps. And put a helmet on him, we wouldn’t want to cause too much of a stir. We wouldn’t want Emperor Zarkon to take him for an Altean and execute him. That would spoil all the fun.”

“Yes, Commander,” Haxus said with a cruel smile.

Lotor didn’t bother struggling as they took him away and shoved a too-large helmet over his head, a sword into his hands. It was so heavy he nearly dropped it, and then he thought to try and use it on his captors except they were already pushing him roughly through a door and he froze.

He was in some kind of arena, vast and full of sand. The lights were so bright he couldn’t make out much of the crowd, but he could tell by the roaring applause, the thundering stamping of feet, the shouting- there were thousands of them. He stepped forward slowly, and suddenly all he could see was a huge red stain in the sand- blood. There was so much blood. He could smell it- iron rising sharp in his nostrils.

All he could hear was the pounding of his own heart in his chest, and then someone else was walking out too, some small strange alien with four arms and round wide eyes. He seemed afraid, just as afraid as Lotor was. He was holding a sword too and he raised it slowly, his whole body shaking.

“Wait-” Lotor said, backing away as the crowd started to hiss and boo at him, yelling for him to fight. “Wait, you don’t have to do this. We don’t have to do this.”

The alien ran at him with a shout, raising his blade, and some sense of self-preservation kicked in and Lotor jerked his sword up to block the blow. Somewhere at the back of his mind he half expected Shiro to come and save him, like he had so long ago. Except that would mean that Shiro would be here, in this terrible place, and that thought was too painful to bear.

“Wait,” Lotor tried again. “Please wait- don’t-!”

The alien slashed at him again and he jerked back but he couldn’t get his sword up in time. The world seemed to slow around him as he felt the hot stripe of pain over his shoulder. He could smell blood, his own this time, and felt like something was shaking loose inside him.

He wasn’t going to die- not here, not now, so far away from home. He was going to survive and make it back to Shiro, he was going to do whatever he had to.

Lotor gritted his teeth and tightened his grip on the sword. It didn’t seem quite so heavy anymore. He’d never used a sword before, they’d had target practice at the Garrison, not swordplay. But he’d had some training with a knife, and he and Shiro had sparred sometimes, just for fun. Suddenly Lotor didn’t feel afraid anymore.

The alien seemed erratic and weak, maybe he was already tired. Maybe his weapon was too heavy for him. Lotor could see what he had to do and his mind went quiet as he stepped forward and hit the alien’s sword _hard_ , with all his might. The alien dropped it in shock and Lotor couldn’t stop himself in time, he was still moving. The alien twisted oddly and then there was a strange sickening sound as Lotor slashed his chest, cutting _deep_.

“Oh god,” he whispered and let go of the sword- but it was too late. The alien fell to the sand, twitching as he fought to gasp in a wet breath. There was a horrible eternity of panicked gurgling and then he stilled and that was it, he was dead.

“Oh god,” Lotor said, stumbling back in shock. He’d just _killed_ someone, some innocent alien, a prisoner just like he was. He closed his eyes as he sank to his knees, trying to breathe deeply so he wouldn’t throw up in the too-large helmet.

There was a loud roaring in his ears, and slowly he realized it wasn’t just him- it was the crowd. They were cheering at what he’d done. They were cheering for him.

 

* * *

 

They shackled his wrists behind his back and led him through the halls, not back to his cell. They took him to a spacious set of quarters and left him there, standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. He flinched when one of the doors opened and Sendak walked in. He’d changed his prosthetic arm out for something smaller, more closely resembling his flesh arm, and he was wearing a padded jumpsuit instead of full armor.

“You’ve done well, little one,” Sendak said with a smile. “I knew you wouldn’t disappoint me.”

Lotor backed away from him fearfully, looking around for something he could use as a weapon. But there was nothing, and it wouldn’t matter if there was- his hands were still shackled behind his back. And besides all that- Sendak was huge and powerful, clearly a trained warrior. Lotor wasn’t used to feeling small again after all this time, wasn’t used to feeling so afraid.

“Let’s see what other Galra features you have,” Sendak said as he advanced.

Lotor backed up until he felt the wall behind him, and then Sendak was standing right in front of him, looming over him.

“Don’t,” Lotor breathed out, flinching as Sendak raised his hands. “Don’t!”

Sendak ripped the filthy prison shirt off him first, tearing it like little more than tissue paper before letting the shreds fall to the ground. He slipped a clawed finger under the neck of the thin jumpsuit and tore that too. Lotor closed his eyes, breathing hard as Sendak traced his purple markings gently with his claws.

“Curious,” Sendak said thoughtfully. “How far do these go?”

“Don’t,” Lotor said. “Please. Please just- just don’t.”

“Easy, little one. I’m not going to hurt you.”

And then Sendak was tearing off his pants too, and Lotor was standing before him naked and shivering.

“You’ve got a Galra cock, too,” Sendak said with a delighted laugh as he ran his finger over it. Lotor bit his lip so he wouldn’t whimper. He was so scared, he felt nausea rising up, he felt dizzy. He swayed and Sendak took him by the arms, steadying him. “Come here,” he said, leading him back towards one of the wide lounge chairs in the sitting area.

“No!” Lotor cried out, trying to fight him, to pull away. He tried to bite Sendak’s hand but the Galra just backhanded him viciously over the face. Lotor was too shocked to scream, he just gasped as he fought to catch his breath. His ears were ringing and the world was shifting around him as Sendak dragged him somewhere.

Sendak sat in the chair and pulled Lotor into his lap with his back pressed to Sendak’s chest, his legs splayed wide. He set his prosthetic hand over Lotor’s throat as he caressed him with his other hand, tracing his markings, stroking his cock.

“Don’t,” Lotor tried one last time, but it was useless.

“I think you deserve a reward, after how well you did,” Sendak said into his ear as he started stroking him more firmly.

Lotor closed his eyes and shuddered. It felt- it felt _good_ and he hated himself for it. His stupid traitorous cock was getting hard and he couldn’t get it to stop. He tried to bring his legs together at least but Sendak tightened his hand over his throat threateningly.

“Don’t you dare,” he growled. “You could be a little more grateful to me. I don’t exactly do this for every slave on board my ship. You should be honored to receive my attention, little one. If you’re good for me I’ll make it so good for you.”

“Fuck you,” Lotor bit out, but he didn’t try to close his legs again.

Sendak laughed. “You can fight it but I know you love this, I can feel it.” He squeezed Lotor’s cock, leaking now, and Lotor had to bite back a gasp. “That’s it,” Sendak whispered.

“If you’re going to fuck me, just fuck me,” Lotor hissed. “What’s the point of this- this- _playing around?”_

“Don’t worry,” Sendak said, laughing again. “I’m not going to fuck you until you beg me for the honor. You’ll be begging me soon enough, I don’t mind the wait.”

“You’ll be waiting forever,” Lotor said vehemently. But it was getting harder to focus on anything that wasn’t Sendak’s hand moving over his cock. It felt so good and he hated it, it would have been so much easier if Sendak had made it hurt.

“Don’t lose that fire,” Sendak said. “It makes you so delicious.”

He sped up, the slick sounds of him moving filling the room. Lotor bit his lip and screwed his eyes shut, trying to get himself under control, trying to pretend he was somewhere else, trying not to come. But it was no use, Sendak was relentless and he seemed to know just how to touch him, where he was the most sensitive. He sped up and Lotor couldn’t help the small needy moan that tore itself out of his throat, and he hated that even more.

“Don’t bother holding back,” Sendak said. “I won’t stop until I make you come for me. The more you fight me the longer this will take, so stop fighting. Let go.”

“Please just- just _stop_ ,” Lotor begged.

Sendak bit his earlobe sharply and tightened his fingers and Lotor couldn’t help himself at that, he came with a sharp gasp, spilling over Sendak’s hand. Sendak stroked him through it, and then he pulled back to smooth his hands over Lotor’s heaving chest, like he was trying to soothe him.

“Shh, it’s alright, little one,” Sendak whispered, and Lotor realized there were tears streaming down his face. He sobbed loudly, and then he sobbed again, and then he was weeping outright, naked and trembling in Sendak’s lap while the Galra stroked his chest and thighs and whispered soothing nonsense into his ear.

“It’s alright,” Sendak said. “Everyone cries the first time. But you’re going to be alright. I’m going to take such good care of you, you don’t have to be afraid.”

 

* * *

 

Every few days they made him fight some scared prisoner, and even though Lotor always tried to reason with them it always ended the same, with another body laying lifeless in the sand and more blood on his sword, on his conscience. After each fight he was brought to Sendak’s rooms for his _reward._ Sometimes Sendak touched him, sometimes he fed him, sometimes he just ordered him to bathe before sending him back to his cell.

The rest of the time he was alone.

He thought maybe thinking about Shiro would make him feel better, but it only made him feel worse. It didn’t feel right to bring Shiro into this awful place, not even as a thought, a memory. Instead Lotor imagined there was a small black box deep inside him, made of the strongest steel, completely impenetrable. He put everything that was the most dear to him- Shiro, their life together, their dreams of the future- inside that box and he locked it away and wrapped it up in chains, and then he never touched it again.

It got a little easier after that. To his horror he found himself getting used to this life, getting used to killing. He stopped trying to reason with his opponents, it never worked anyway. It was a waste of time. The faster he killed them the faster he could go see Sendak, his only source of comfort and companionship, warmth and pleasure.

He felt sick with himself. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew exactly what Sendak was doing. He knew the way he felt was a lie, it was practically textbook. But knowing didn’t make it any easier to fight it. And why should he fight it? This was his life now, he may as well take anything he could get.

Slowly the horror faded too, and he was just- numb.

As he got better at fighting, his opponents got tougher. Finally he was put up against someone with a little more training than a trembling prisoner and he lost- badly. He could only gasp in shock and pain as he felt his opponent’s blade pierce his side. He fell, the world swimming around him, and wondered if this was the end. He wasn’t sure if he was happy or afraid, and then his vision went dark.

He woke in a comfortable bed, and his first thought was- _Sendak_.

He was sitting right there, in the chair by the bed, reading something on his datapad.

“Sendak?” Lotor whispered, reaching for him.

“You’re awake, little one,” Sendak said, looking up at him with a smile. He took Lotor’s hand in his and used the other to brush the messy white hair out of his eyes. “I was worried for you.”

“You were?” Lotor asked, and for some reason he was smiling.

“Of course,” Sendak said. “We can’t have that happening again. I wouldn’t want to lose you, little one. You’ve done well so far, but you won’t stand a chance against the real gladiators. When you’re well, I’m going to train you myself.”

“Thank you, Sendak,” Lotor said. He felt woozy and warm. Sendak cared about him, Sendak was going to help him.

It was wonderful.

 

* * *

 

Everything got so much better after that. He took most of his meals with Sendak, eating real food- not prison gruel. Sendak trained him to fight and taught him to read Galra symbols. He gave him a datapad with books on it- about space and engineering, about Galra history, even a few silly novels. He taught Lotor to play Galra games, and sometimes he brought him up to the observation deck whenever there was anything particularly beautiful or interesting to see.

Sendak had him fitted for a fine suit of armor in red and gold- Sendak’s colors. The helmet had a long blood-red plume decorating it, like a high ponytail. It was showy and ridiculous but it made Lotor smile, too. He brushed the blood and gore out of it carefully at the end of every match, making sure it was clean and fresh for the next time. His opponents in the arena were warriors now, gladiators. Whenever Lotor slaughtered one he felt victory singing through his blood, and the cheers of the crowd sounded so sweet.

He looked forward to seeing Sendak afterwards, went eagerly to his bed, and he didn’t wish for anything more.

And then he faced a giant hulking Galra named Myzax. He nearly didn’t win that time around, but in the end he bested him just like he’d bested all the others. The crowd was oddly silent as he stood with one foot on Myzax’s rapidly cooling body, and then they started a chant he’d never heard before, slow and quiet at first but quickly getting louder until they were screaming-

_Champion! Champion! Champion!_

Lotor found himself grinning as he turned to take it all in, all the excited faces screaming for him, and he raised his purple sword victoriously into the air with a laugh.

Afterwards Sendak had a veritable feast laid out for him in his rooms. They laughed together as they ate and talked about the fight, as Sendak told him how proud he was and gave him pointers for next time.

Once they were finished Sendak stripped him down and laid him out in his bed, shackling his hands to the headboard.

“I’ve got something very special planned for you tonight, my Champion,” Sendak said and Lotor shivered with anticipation.

The Galra made himself comfortable between Lotor’s thighs and slipped a cockring over him before starting to suck him slowly, pushing his huge slick fingers inside him as he did. Lotor threw his head back, panting at the onslaught as waves of pleasure overwhelmed him.

“Sendak, I’m close-“ he managed, and Sendak pulled back, waiting for him to calm before he started again. He brought Lotor right up to the edge over and over, and it felt like hours passed just like this.

When Sendak pulled back for what felt like the millionth time Lotor couldn’t help whining with frustration and pulling on his bonds, shifting restlessly. Sendak liked to do this sometimes, make him wait. But he’d never made it last this long before.

Maybe he wanted Lotor to beg- he liked it when he begged.

“Please, Sendak,” Lotor tried, his voice shaking with desperation. “Please let me come- please.”

“No,” Sendak said with a grin. “The only way you’re coming tonight is on my cock, and only after you beg for it. Otherwise I thought I’d keep going for a while, and then leave you here like this until morning.”

“Sendak, please,” Lotor begged, suddenly afraid. He wouldn’t do that, would he? “Please, Sendak- please- please don’t leave me like this.”

“You know what you need to do, little one,” Sendak said. “Make your decision, choose.”

Lotor frowned, it seemed easy enough, didn’t it? Why was it so difficult to force out the words? There was some reason he shouldn’t want Sendak to fuck him but he wasn’t sure what it was, and then Sendak was sucking him again and he couldn’t remember.

“Sendak, please fuck me, give me your cock- please-“

Sendak pulled back and looked down at him, his eyes glittering darkly. “Say it again.”

“Please fuck me,” Lotor whispered, shivering.

“ _Again,”_ Sendak hissed and Lotor said it over and over again until finally Sendak took mercy on him and moved, shoving his legs apart wider before he was pushing his cock inside. Lotor couldn’t breathe at how big he was, how hot and slick. It was amazing, why hadn’t they done this before?

It was everything- Sendak was everything. When Sendak finally let him come he nearly passed out from the force of it, screaming out his pleasure.

Afterwards Sendak unshackled him and held him close, smoothing his huge hands over Lotor’s skin as he shivered. He felt totally spent, boneless.

“You’re mine, aren’t you?” Sendak whispered into his ear.

“Yes, Sendak,” he whispered back. Of course he was- whose else would he be?

“Prove it,” Sendak growled and Lotor’s blood ran cold with fear. Was Sendak angry with him? Had he done something wrong? He sat up slowly, pushing his sweaty hair out of his face.

“How?” he asked.

“Come,” Sendak said, standing. He took Lotor’s hand and led him to the bathroom. He turned Lotor so he was looking into the mirror at himself, at Sendak standing behind him.

Sendak set a dagger down beside the sink and looked at Lotor in the mirror expectantly. He’d never given Lotor a blade before, not when they were in his quarters like this. Lotor picked it up slowly, turning it over in his hands. He knew exactly what Sendak wanted.

He raised the dagger and watched himself in the mirror as he carved careful lines into his chest, cutting Sendak’s sigil into his skin. It hurt, but not worse than so many other things he’d experienced.

Once he was finished he dropped the dagger into the sink, staring numbly at the blood streaming down his skin.

“You cut too deep, little one,” Sendak murmured as he cleaned off the blood and bandaged the wound, but he sounded pleased too, and Lotor could only smile up at him.

Sendak took him gently by the hand and led him out, back to the bedroom. “It’s time for you to return to your cell,” he said and Lotor looked up at him with a sharp gasp.

“Sendak- no. Please. Please- can I stay here with you tonight?”

“I’ll have to shackle you if you stay here,” Sendak said as he stroked Lotor’s face. “Are you sure you wouldn’t be more comfortable in your cell?”

“I’ll be the most comfortable sleeping in your arms,” Lotor said, smiling up at him weakly.

“As you like,” Sendak said, and shackled Lotor’s hands in front of him before tucking him into bed and pulling him close.

Lotor sighed and closed his eyes. He felt so good, safe and warm with Sendak around him.

He dreamed of a locked black box. He wasn’t sure what was inside, all he knew was that opening it wasn’t safe. He turned his back on it instead, and walked away.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

* * *

 

 

Shiro applied for every long term solo flight but they kept turning him down. Maybe they thought he was going to go rogue and look for Lotor.

Of course, that was exactly what he was planning, and he was angry at himself for apparently being so obvious. He tried dating again to throw them off the scent. He went on a few dates with Adam even though he couldn’t quite bring himself to touch him, much less kiss him.

He dreamed of Lotor every night still, and every morning he woke alone felt just as bad as that first one, with _Pilot Error_ screaming at him through the radio.

But Shiro was the best pilot in the Garrison now, they’d have to give him something eventually. They sent him out to recruit, instead. They sent him to schools and even back to his old orphanage. That was where he met Keith, and something about him, his eyes, reminded Shiro so strongly of Lotor that he could hardly catch his breath.

He took Keith under his wing without a second thought. He needed someone to be there for him like Lotor had been there for Shiro, and for a while Keith was the only bright spot in his life.

Finally, three years after Lotor had first disappeared, Sam vouched for him and he was selected for the Kerberos mission. He couldn’t exactly do what he’d planned, couldn’t run off while he was responsible for Sam and Matt. But maybe that was alright. He took the mission.

He didn’t have a plan but he could feel it in his gut- somehow this would bring him closer. This would close the distance between them and if it was the only thing he could do, he’d do it.

He was more right than he’d expected in the end. As Matt and Sam were taking core samples a strange alien ship arrived, huge and glowing with purple accents. They were taken prisoner and Shiro felt some cold shivering sense of victory singing through him. Maybe this was what had happened to Lotor- maybe he was still alive, out there somewhere.

They were shoved into a cell with other aliens and it felt like an opportunity rather than a tragedy.

“Have you seen any other humans?” Shiro demanded, staring at the aliens before him. “It would have been four years ago now-“

“What is a _year?”_ a young pink woman asked.

Shiro sighed in frustration and let Sam take the lead, waiting for what felt like hours before they figured out the conversion rate.

“Four deca-phoebs ago?” the alien asked thoughtfully. “Tho’rat was here then,” she said, pointing to a four armed man napping against the far wall.

“Wake up,” Shiro said, taking the man by the shirt and shaking him firmly. He woke with a gasp and shivered with fear but Shiro didn’t care.

“Have you seen any other humans come through?”

“What?” the man asked.

“ _Humans!_ ” Shiro yelled. “Have you seen any?”

“Humans- that’s what you are? You three?”

“Yes,” Shiro said. “Yes, like us. His name is Lotor- does that seem familiar? Anyone like that?”

Tho’rat shook his head slowly. “No,” he said. “No one like you. No humans.”

“Fuck,” Shiro said and let the alien go. He ran his hands through his hair as he paced the cell. Ok, maybe not here. Maybe he was on another ship, maybe he was- maybe he’d been transferred somewhere else. Maybe he was with friendly aliens, maybe he was having a grand old time out there, exploring the universe.

Except he wouldn't have left Shiro behind, he would have sent a message, come for him. No- he was alive and in trouble, and Shiro had to find him, save him.

Several monotonous days passed until three Galra showed up to the cell.

“So this is what humans really look like,” the biggest one said with a smirk. “Close, I suppose. Close enough to be confused. Small, though.”

“Where’s Lotor?” Shiro demanded, suddenly absolutely sure that this man, this Galra, _knew._

But there was no recognition in his eyes at the name, just a cruel smirk.

“Where is he, you bastard!” Shiro yelled. “What did you do to him!” He went to punch the monster right in his ugly face but the alien just grabbed his fist and forced him down to his knees.

“Fire,” the Galra said thoughtfully. “Is everyone from your planet full of it? How delightful.”

“Fuck you,” Shiro hissed and fought not to cry out as the Galra tightened his hold painfully.

“Haxus, send him to the arena. Put him up against my Champion.”

“That would hardly be a fair fight, Commander Sendak,” the one that must have been Haxus said. “Your pet will destroy him.”

Sendak shrugged. “He had a hard fight yesterday, he deserves a bit of a rest. Besides, these other humans need to learn their place.”

“Yes, sir,” Haxus said with a nod.

Shiro struggled as they took him away but it was no use, they were too huge, too strong. They shoved a sword into his hands and pushed him out into a brightly lit arena. He raised his hand to shield his face from the glaring lights as he tried to get his bearings.

He could hear laughter and cruel jeering around him but he couldn’t see the audience. It was so loud though, there must have been thousands of them.

A loud sound rang out, like a horn, shivering and deep, and the audience started stamping their feet rhythmically as they chanted-

_Champion! Champion! Champion!_

Shiro tightened his hands nervously as he waited, his palms sweating.

A hole opened in the center of the arena and Shiro watched as a figure rose out of it. He stood with his back to Shiro, decked out in gleaming red and gold armor with a long red plume decorating his helmet. He was lean and tall, not as big as the Galra Shiro had seen, and he was holding a wicked purple sword. He raised it victoriously into the air and the crowd went wild.

Shiro took a nervous step back, and then the Champion turned to look at him and Shiro was completely frozen. They stared at each other for a long trembling moment before the Champion raised his sword and stepped forward.

“Wait,” Shiro said, stumbling back. “Wait- you don’t have to do this. I know you’re just a prisoner here- just like I am.”

The crowd was booing at him, yelling for him to fight even as the Champion pointed his purple sword at Shiro’s face.

“We can refuse, we can-“

The Champion shook his head slowly and then he was moving faster than Shiro could react. Shiro fell back with a gasp but not fast enough to avoid the strike. A hot line of pain opened over his face and there was blood streaming over his nose, down his cheeks and into his mouth, over his chin. All he could smell was blood and he panicked as he overbalanced and fell to his hands and knees, dropping his sword. The Champion stepped forward and kicked him in the side hard enough to flip him to his back as Shiro screamed in pain.

He raised his hands in surrender but instead of killing him the Champion stepped back and bent down to pick up the sword he’d dropped, tossing it casually to him. Shiro flinched but the Champion stood back and flicked the blood off his purple blade, stalking around him in a wide circle as he waited for Shiro to stand.

Fuck- this man was toying with him before he killed him. But Shiro wasn’t going to just lie back and take it, he was going to fight and survive. He was going to find Lotor.

The sharp taste of iron over his tongue helped him focus, helped him stay in the present. This was real, this was actually happening. He had to get through this, and he would. He set his jaw and raised his sword as the Champion came at him again.

He was quick and strong but he seemed to be showing off, too, drawing out the fight. Shiro was breathing hard, flagging already, but he thought of Lotor and found some deep well of strength inside himself.

He parried the Champion’s blade and the man dropped his sword, and that was strange, Shiro didn’t think he’d hit him that hard. But he had an opening now so he took it, thrusting his blade forward.

Shiro’s eyes widened in surprise as the Champion moved, not away but _towards_ the strike, into it. There was a sickening wet sound as Shiro’s sword pierced the man’s gut and he was still moving, grabbing Shiro’s hand to yank him forward, helping Shiro impale him deeper.

The world went quiet and still as Shiro stared at the man trembling before him, and then he let go of the sword with a gasp and scrambled away as the Champion sank silently to his knees.

_“No!”_

The shout echoed through the arena and somehow Sendak was there, pulling the Champion into his arms. “No, no, no-“

Shiro could only stare as Sendak pulled the Champion’s helmet off, and it was- it was-

“ _Lotor_ ,” Shiro breathed out, so quietly it was barely a sound at all.

“Get the doctors!” Sendak yelled before turning to Lotor and running his huge hands over his sweaty white hair. “How could you have let this happen, little one?” he whispered. “Were you really so tired? You could have said- you could have told me-“

Sendak was still talking, stroking Lotor’s hair soothingly, but Lotor was looking only at Shiro. He seemed so tired, he seemed afraid. His lips moved but no sound came out. Shiro didn’t need to hear him to know what he was saying, he’d seen him say that word so many times that he knew the shape of it over his lips.

_Shiro_.

And then doctors were rushing in and guards were dragging Shiro away, and Lotor was out of sight.

 

* * *

 

Shiro was put in a cell alone and it was killing him not to know what had happened to Lotor. He paced restlessly for what felt like days and then the cell door slammed open and Sendak stormed in. The Galra’s lips were curled up into a snarl and his eyes were flashing furiously.

“You!” he yelled.

“What happened to him? Is he alright?” Shiro asked.

“He’s gone!” Sendak roared as he grabbed Shiro by the throat and slammed him against the wall. Shiro gasped at the pain, at the sudden inability to breathe- but that was nothing to the pain of what Sendak had said.

_He’s gone. He’s gone. He’s gone._

“It’s all your fault,” Sendak snarled as he tightened his hold. “He’s gone because of you!”

Shiro struggled to breathe, screwing his eyes shut to hold back tears.

“I’d kill you but death is too good for you,” Sendak hissed. “You’ll suffer for what you’ve done- mark my words. You’re going to be Haggar’s project now, and she’s going to take you apart.”

Sendak threw him down to the ground and there was a sickening crack as Shiro’s head hit the floor, and then darkness.

When he woke he was somewhere else, strapped to some kind of lab table. He felt woozy and weak, they’d drugged him. There were tall men standing around him wearing masks, and a woman in robes.

They did things to him, things he didn’t understand. They drugged him, cut him, took his blood, his _arm_. He was unconscious for most of it, and when he was awake he was overwhelmed by pain and fear, the sharp smell of blood.

It was impossible to tell time in circumstances like that, but it felt like forever. When he dreamed, which wasn’t often, he dreamed of Lotor- dreamed of rescuing him, being rescued. He dreamed of their life together, back when everything had been perfect. Most of all he dreamed of Lotor lying lifeless in the sand. It was his fault, all Shiro’s fault.

_He’s gone. He’s gone. He’s gone._

“He’s here,” a familiar voice hissed.

“You’re sure? You’re sure that’s him?”

“Of course I’m _sure_ , Antok. Now please, could you just-“

Shiro opened his eyes to see someone in a strange black mask looking down at him. He wasn’t alone, and his companion was huge.

“Shiro,” the first man said, putting his hands gently on the sides of Shiro’s face.

“Lotor,” Shiro said with a smile. This was a nice dream. But it would be nicer to see Lotor’s face, he could always see Lotor’s face in his dreams.

“Can you walk?” Lotor asked, pulling him up into a sitting position. Somehow he wasn’t shackled anymore and he swayed uncertainly.

“I can float, I feel like I’m floating already,” he said as he moved to take Lotor’s hand. He was wearing gloves but Shiro _knew_ his hands. It was him, it was him, it was _him._ “This is my favorite dream.”

“You’re not dreaming, we have to get out of here.”

“I love you,” Shiro said as Lotor slipped under his shoulder. “I love you, I love you, I love you. I’m so sorry. I knew you weren’t dead, you couldn’t be dead. I-I missed you so bad, I waited for you. I didn’t- I couldn’t be with anyone else, I thought about you every day-“

“Shiro, you have to stay quiet.”

“I have to tell you,” Shiro muttered. “I have to tell you how sorry I am, how much I love you-“

“Here, kit,” the giant stranger said and handed Lotor some kind of small device.

“Sorry,” Lotor said. “But you’ll give us away. This isn’t going to hurt.”

He pressed the device to Shiro’s neck and everything went dark again.

 

* * *

 

Everything hurt, everything was on fire. Shiro opened his eyes slowly to see he was in a dark room. There was a soft yellow light coming from a small globe on the nightstand, and-

His breath caught in his throat as he saw _Lotor_. He was sitting in a chair beside the bed, asleep with his arms crossed over his chest and his head down. His hair was longer now and it hung loose past his shoulders. He seemed thinner and somehow bigger too, more muscular. He was wearing strange black armor with glowing purple accents and he was _beautiful_. He was perfect. He was alive, and here, and tears of happiness streamed down Shiro’s face.

“Lotor,” he whispered, reaching for him. Lotor woke with a gasp and stared at him wide-eyed, almost like he was afraid. He made no move to take Shiro’s hand and Shiro frowned. “Lotor, please- please come here.”

Lotor sniffled loudly and wiped his face with the back of his hand.

“Lotor- _please_.”

And then Lotor sobbed and he was practically lunging out of his chair to climb into bed with Shiro, wrapping himself around him. Shiro was sobbing too as he clutched at Lotor desperately and buried his face in his hair.

They were together, finally they were together at last. They could figure out everything else later, they could fix anything that lay broken between them. But for now Shiro just held on for dear life as Lotor shuddered against him, as they wept together.

“I love you,” Shiro whispered, and tried to pretend he hadn't noticed that Lotor didn’t say it back.

 

* * *

 

After that first night Lotor didn’t touch him. He seemed cold and withdrawn as he showed Shiro around the base, told him about the Blade of Marmora, their missions, their war. They didn’t talk about the other things, what had happened in the arena, or any of the rest of it.

Lotor introduced him to Kolivan, Ulaz, Antok, Regris. They treated him with suspicion and Lotor didn’t seem to be acting much differently. Fuck, Shiro felt so _cold_. This wasn’t how he thought their reunion would go. He hadn’t imagined it this way at all.

A week passed, a week of Lotor flinching away from him, avoiding him, not meeting his eyes. It hurt more than anything Haggar and her Druids had done, and finally he couldn’t bear it anymore. He followed Lotor after dinner and cornered him in the hallway, holding him tight by the wrists so he wouldn’t run away.

“Do you hate me now?” he asked, staring up into Lotor’s eyes. “Do you hate me, for what- what I did to you? For not coming sooner?”

“Shiro,” Lotor said carefully, not looking at him.

“I tried so hard,” Shiro pleaded. “I- I did everything I could. Maybe- maybe I could have done a better job pretending I was fine, but I- I _missed_ you so badly, and I- I needed a ship. I came for you as soon as I could. And after- in the- the- _arena_ … I should have recognized you, but I didn’t. Please- I was so scared. Please- just tell me. Tell me the truth, do you-”

“I don’t hate you,” Lotor said quietly, looking down. “I hate myself.”

“Oh,” Shiro said, shaking as he stepped closer to bring their foreheads together. “Why?”

Lotor shook his head and Shiro took him by the face, tilting his face up so they were looking at each other.

_“Why?”_ he asked.

Lotor bit his lip, and then he was surging forward and they were _kissing_ , sloppy and wet, desperate. Shiro moaned against him, he’d missed this so badly, he’d missed _Lotor_ so badly- He slid one hand into Lotor’s hair and wrapped the other around his waist and for a moment it was bliss-

Except Lotor was shaking, whimpering with something that wasn’t pleasure, and there were tears streaming down his face.

“Oh god,” Shiro whispered as he pulled back and took Lotor in his arms. “Fuck, just- _fuck_. I’m sorry. I don’t know- I don’t know what to do. Help me- what do you need me to do?”

Lotor shook his head and what the hell was that supposed to mean? Shiro wasn’t used to not _knowing_ these things about him anymore, but clearly everything was different now.

“I have to go,” Lotor whispered, and then he was walking away and all Shiro could do was stare after him.

 

* * *

 

Shiro wasn’t sure what was happening anymore. If it wasn’t for the fact that they were in space and surrounded by aliens he would have thought he’d been thrown back in time. It was like the beginning again, back when they were uncertain and new, except it was colder now, lonelier.

Lotor was busy with- whatever weird Blade of Marmora things he was up to now. But he’d find Shiro at least once a day, and they made out in the halls, in the training room. Lotor balked whenever Shiro tried to go further.

Once, he managed to get Lotor back to his room and they made out in Shiro’s bed for a while before Shiro tried to get him out of his armor and then Lotor pushed him away with a gasp.

“Lotor- what’s going on?” Shiro asked as he watched Lotor sit up and look away. “What- what’s wrong? Please don’t hide from me.”

He put his hand on Lotor’s arm but Lotor jerked away from him and stood. “Just- leave it _alone_ ,” Lotor hissed, not looking at him. “For once in your goddamn life, leave me the fuck alone!” he cried before storming out.

Shiro watched him leave, numb, and then he curled up into himself and cried alone in his room.

He forced himself up in the morning and went to the mess hall. He got a plate of food goo and picked at it absently as he sat with his head in his hand. He looked up when he sensed someone next to him, and then Lotor was sitting beside him with a sharp exhale, dropping his own tray of food to the table with a loud clang.

They sat in silence for a while before Lotor sighed and ran his hands through his hair.

“Shiro,” he said quietly, and Shiro reached out to take his hand.

Lotor shivered but he didn’t draw away and somehow that felt like a victory.

“I’m sorry,” Lotor said, still not looking at him.

Shiro tightened his hand over Lotor’s in what he hoped was a reassuring gesture. “I forgive you,” he said. “For everything- anything.”

“You shouldn’t,” Lotor whispered.

“Please- can we talk tonight?” Shiro asked. Lotor tensed and Shiro kept going desperately. “It doesn’t have to be about- about this, about any of it. I just want to _talk_ to you, about anything. About space, or- or- about what shampoo you use, I don’t care. Anything. Please-”

“I can’t,” Lotor said, pulling his hand out of Shiro’s hold. “I’m going on a mission with Ulaz in a few hours. I don’t know when I’ll be back.”

“Let me come with you,” Shiro tried, but Lotor just shook his head.

“Maybe when I get back,” Lotor said quietly. “Maybe we can talk. But I- I have to go now.”

“Ok,” Shiro said, his heart shriveling in his chest. Here it was all over again, he was being left behind. “Ok,” he said as he watched Lotor pulling away.

 

* * *

 

Lotor was gone for days and Shiro was left wandering the base alone, left with Antok’s cold glares and Kolivan’s frowns.

But then Lotor and Ulaz were back and they had Matt and Sam with them and Shiro laughed as he walked to wrap the two of them up in his arms.

The Blades had some sort of celebration that night, with real food and drink. Shiro sat next to Lotor and they drank and Lotor leaned against him so easily, just like he used to.

Afterwards Lotor took his hand and pulled him back to his room and they made out in Lotor’s bed and he didn’t stop Shiro from going further. When Shiro got stuck in his shirt Lotor _laughed_ and it was the most beautiful sound Shiro had ever heard.

Shiro laughed too as he pulled his pants and boots off, and when he went to try and get Lotor out of his armor Lotor grinned and flipped them over, shoving his pants down before sliding his hand down to gather the slick fluid leaking from his cock and pushing his fingers inside himself. He shifted to slide down on Shiro’s cock and the both of them groaned, and then Lotor was kissing him, and _moving_ , and it was amazing.

When Shiro woke the next morning he had a pounding headache and Lotor was still fully dressed laying in bed with him and- and he had to know. He had to.

He moved to sit up and noticed that Lotor’s eyes were open, watching him fearfully.

“Hey,” Shiro said quietly.

“Hey,” Lotor said.

“Can you- could you-” Shiro broke off with a sharp sigh and ran his hand through his hair. “I want you to stop hiding,” he said at last. “Please?”

“Alright,” Lotor said, looking away. “It’s… it’s about time you knew anyway. I just wanted- a moment. I just wanted… something. It’s not fair to you, what I’ve done, and I- I’m sorry.”

Shiro waited as Lotor sat up and stripped out of his gauntlets, his shoulder and elbow pads, his chest plate. He felt frozen as each new scar came into view, and then Lotor took off his shirt and Shiro gasped in horror. He raised his trembling fingers to trace the scar over Lotor’s chest. He knew what it was, of course he did. He’d seen it the cells, in the arena, in the halls. Sendak’s sigil.

“He did this to you?” Shiro whispered.

“No,” Lotor said. “No, I did this.”

“What?” Shiro gasped, suddenly so confused.

Lotor turned away from him and dropped his head into his hands. “I did it,” he said quietly. “First I- I- begged him to fuck me, because I _wanted_ him to, _needed_ him to. And then I- I did this. I carved his sigil into my chest to show him I belonged to him.”

Shiro could only stare as Lotor kept talking. He felt sick to his stomach at what Lotor had been through. It was so much worse than what Shiro had feared.

“I killed so many people,” Lotor said. “I- I completely lost myself. I became his pet, his- his _little one_. I wanted him. I-” he broke off nervously and licked his lips. “I still want him, sometimes,” he whispered. “I dream of him, whispering to me, fucking me, telling me he’s _proud_. He was so… so _gentle_ with me, so kind. It was all a trick but I _fell_ for it, I wanted him. I loved him.”

“Lotor,” Shiro whispered as he sat up and put his palm on Lotor’s back.

“I didn’t think of you at all!” Lotor cried out, rising to his feet. “I- I- it was too hard, I- locked you away and didn’t once think of you, not for all this time, not until I saw you again. I hid you away and I only- I only thought of him. _Fuck!”_

“Lotor,” Shiro said, reaching for him. “Come here, please. Please, just-”

Lotor looked at him and his eyes were wild with fear. “There were others too, even after I knew you were here. I wanted to wipe his touch off my skin and I- I- I tried, with- with Ulaz, and… others. And I- and now you’re- and I betrayed you so badly. I betrayed everything we had.”

“Lotor,” Shiro whispered, reaching for him. “It’s alright, just please- please come here, come to me.”

“You can’t still want me,” Lotor said, staring at him with tears streaming down his face. “You can’t still…”

“Of course I do,” Shiro said. “Of course I want you.”

“ _Why?_ ” Lotor gasped.

“You’re everything,” Shiro said with a watery smile. “I’d want you no matter what, always. I love you.”

Lotor exhaled sharply and took a careful step forwards, hesitating like he thought it was all some kind of trick. Shiro waited for him patiently, and then he took another step and he was close enough for Shiro to take him by the hand and pull him back into bed.

“It’s alright,” he whispered as Lotor shuddered against him. “It’s alright- you did what you had to do to survive. I’m so sorry you had to go through all that, but it’s over now, you’re here, and you saved me. We’re together.”

Shiro stroked his hair slowly as he waited for him to calm, and then he pulled back a little to press a kiss to Lotor’s forehead and carefully wiped the tears off his face.

“Is anything… safe?” Shiro asked and Lotor looked up at him.

“Kissing,” he whispered. “Galra don’t… he never- and I didn’t, with anyone else.”

“Ok,” Shiro said, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips. “Ok. We can just do that then, or not even that, if you don’t want to. We can go as slow as you want, we can do whatever you want to do. You can do whatever you need to do.”

“I’m sorry,” Lotor said. “I-”

“Stop,” Shiro said firmly. “Stop, you don’t have to apologize for anything, alright? I love you.”

“I love you too,” Lotor said with a small sigh.

 

* * *

 

Shiro joined Lotor in the hangar to send Matt and Sam off back to Earth and smiled as he felt Lotor’s hand on his lower back. Except then Lotor _pushed_ and Shiro looked back at him with confusion.

“What?” he asked.

“What do you mean, _what_?” Lotor scowled. “It’s- what are you doing? It’s time for you to go home.”

“ _Home_?” Shiro cried out incredulously. “You- you’re insane. You’re- completely fucking out of it.”

“What-”

Shiro stepped forward to grab Lotor’s face. “You’re not this stupid,” he said. “Or maybe you are- how much brain damage have you sustained over the past four and whatever years?”

“What- what are you-” Lotor sputtered.

“Hey,” Shiro said with a grin, pressing their foreheads together. “Could you _not_ claw the shit out of me, you stinky bastard- could you please just be cool for once?”

Lotor’s eyes widened with shock and then he was laughing, and Shiro was laughing too as everyone stared at them in confusion.

“Home is wherever you are. I’m not leaving you,” Shiro said. “I’m not. Find a way for me to help or don’t- I don’t care. I’m _not_ leaving you, never again.”

“You can’t stay,” Kolivan said firmly. “A full blooded human cannot be a part of the Blade-”

“Deal with it,” Shiro said, glaring at him. Kolivan drew back, shocked at being spoken to that way.

Lotor laughed again as he raised his hands to Shiro’s face.

“Perhaps we should consider it, Leader,” Antok muttered. “Look at our kit- have you ever heard him laugh before?”

“Laugh?” Ulaz asked. “I’ve never even seen him smile. We should discuss it. In private.”

“Very well,” Kolivan relented, still glaring at Shiro. “But the others go now. And you- show a little respect.”

“Sir, yes sir,” Shiro said with a sloppy salute while Kolivan just looked more confused.

“You’re fighting a losing battle if you’re trying to separate them,” Matt said with a grin. “These idiots would do anything for each other.”

“Hey, I’m still your Captain,” Shiro told him. “You can’t call me an idiot.”

“I’ll call you whatever I want, you maniac,” Matt said, stepping forward to hug him. “Have fun in space with your crazy alien boyfriend.”

“Stay safe,” Sam said with a smile. “Both of you. Take care of each other.”

“You know we will,” Shiro said, wrapping an arm around Lotor’s waist as he watched them go.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a good place to pause for now- next update will be Monday!


	5. Chapter 5

 

* * *

 

 

“Shiro, you’re driving me crazy,” Lotor said as he watched Shiro pacing nervously. Shiro stopped and glanced over at the closed door to the chamber where the other Blades were deciding if he could stay. “Would you just- sit _down?”_

Shiro sighed and sat beside him, taking Lotor’s hand. “Jesus, I feel like I’ve been called in to the principal’s office.”

Lotor smiled as he squeezed Shiro’s hand.

“What if they decide I can’t stay?”

“Then screw them,” Lotor said. “As if I’d be part of any secret cult of rebel alien spies that won’t let my boyfriend join.”

Shiro laughed. “Boyfriend,” he said thoughtfully. “It sounds a little silly, doesn’t it.”

Lotor shrugged. “I guess,” he said with a smile.

“I was thinking of getting a ring, you know,” Shiro said. “And then you were picked for that mission and I- I decided to wait. Seems stupid now.”

Lotor laughed. “God, you’re slow,” he said, elbowing Shiro in the side. “I got a ring. I was going to propose before I left but it didn’t seem right, so I hid it instead.”

“Really?” Shiro asked, blushing.

“Shiro, you’re a mess,” Lotor said. “I can’t believe all that time passed and you never once used the oven. I would have thought you’d make a frozen pizza or something at least.”

“A frozen pizza?” Shiro said, putting on an offended tone. “You know you can get those already cooked? They bring it right to your door and everything.”

“How did you even survive without me?” Lotor asked and immediately winced, looking away.

Shiro didn’t answer, just raised Lotor’s hand to press a kiss to his knuckles. And then the door was opening and Lotor sprang to his feet, trying not to tremble with nerves.

“He can stay,” Kolivan said without any preamble. “He can’t pass the trials, and he won’t be able to wield a Luxite blade. But we can make an exception for him, to be an honorary member of sorts. You’ll train him, kit. And once he’s ready he may go on missions with us. But if he can’t keep up-”

“I can keep up,” Shiro said firmly.

“Yes, Leader,” Lotor said with a smile. “Thank you.”

 

* * *

 

“Let’s start with the basics,” Lotor said after taking Shiro to the training room. “No weapons yet, just show me your stance.”

Shiro planted his feet and raised his fists, looking at Lotor quizzically. Lotor wanted to slap Shiro, and then himself, because he was _awful_.

“That’s… bad,” he said at last.

“Why?” Shiro asked, looking down at himself.

“Your hands are too low, your center of gravity is too high, your feet are-” Lotor broke off with a sigh. This was going to take longer than he’d expected. “Just- spread your legs wider.”

“Yes, sir,” Shiro said with a cheeky grin and Lotor couldn’t help blushing. “Listen, you know I learn better by doing. Why don’t we just have a practice bout.”

“A practice bout?” Lotor asked incredulously. “With that stance, a child could take you.”

“Then it’s a good thing I don’t fight children anymore. Come on, it’ll be fine.”

“Fine,” Lotor said, squaring off across from him. He came at Shiro, not trying too hard to hit him, and Shiro _shifted_ and suddenly he had perfect form and he was grinning as he ducked under Lotor’s punch and went on the offensive. And he was- he was _good_ and Lotor was shocked and breathless, and then he was on the ground with Shiro staring down at him and- what the hell had just happened?

“Oh, I took up kickboxing while you were away,” Shiro said with an innocent grin. “Didn’t I mention?”

“You hustled me,” Lotor said accusingly.

Shiro laughed as he stood and helped Lotor up.

“You stunk up the arena so bad I thought you’d be hopeless.”

“They gave me a _sword_ , Lotor,” Shiro said, rolling his eyes. “What are we? Knights? It’s ridiculous.”

“Space knights,” Lotor said. “Space knight spies. Holy shit, we’re-”

“Jedi!” Shiro said at the same time he did. “Oh my god- oh my god, _Lotor!_ Do you have alien powers? Have you had alien powers this whole time? Can you use the Force?”

Lotor smiled. “Maybe.”

Shiro drew up short, staring at him. “I was just kidding, but you- you’re serious?”

Lotor shrugged awkwardly. “The Blades tested me, I’m half Galra and half Altean, and Alteans are- well some of them had powers, yeah. Like- shape shifting, and stuff with lightning. I haven’t really… figured out if I do too.”

“Holy crap,” Shiro whispered. “I’m dating a space wizard.”

“If you two are just going to fool around, do it somewhere else,” Kolivan said sternly from the other side of the room, where he was sparring with Antok.

“Apologies, Leader,” Lotor said with a blush. “Alright, so-” he said, turning back to Shiro. “So we’re past the basics, then. That’s good. You didn’t secretly take up knife fighting too, did you?”

“A little,” Shiro said, “but I’m not very good.”

“Alright, we’ll go with that, then.”

They practiced for a while, but Shiro was no good with a knife, or any other weapon- bladed or not- and Lotor called their practice to a halt after a few frustrating hours.

“What now?” Shiro asked quietly as they sat on the ground with their backs against the wall, watching as the others practiced. “We don’t exactly have years for me to get better. And I can’t just keep waiting on the sidelines while you go off and put yourself in danger.”

“I don’t know,” Lotor said, looking down. He took Shiro’s hand, and then it suddenly struck him. “Shiro,” he said urgently. “You’re good at hand-to-hand combat- _really_ good- and your Galra arm gives you superior strength. _That’s_ your weapon. You don’t need to mess around with knives and swords, you have a metal arm!”

Shiro raised his arm slowly, staring at it. “Huh.”

“Can you do anything else with it?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, can you activate it or something? Galra prosthetics always have things like that, hidden features, weapons. Have you figured anything like that out?”

“Uh. A few things,” Shiro said awkwardly. “Not- not weapons though.”

“Shiro, why are you blushing,” Lotor said flatly.

“I don’t think I should say,” Shiro said, his tone sounding oddly strangled.

_“Shiro.”_

Shiro looked around nervously to make sure the other Blades were out of ear shot before leaning closer. “I can make the fingers vibrate,” he whispered into Lotor’s ear. “And change temperature.”

“Pervert!” Lotor laughed, shoving him away.

“I didn’t design the thing!” Shiro exclaimed, laughing too.

“No, you’ve just been playing with it!”

“Someone had to!”

“Jesus,” Lotor forced out through his laughter. “Ok,” he said once they’d calmed. “Ok- the temperature thing, maybe. Can you make it hot? Really hot?”

“Let me see,” Shiro said. He held up his hand and frowned as he looked at it, and then it was glowing bright purple. “Well shit.” He brought his fingers together like he was about to karate chop something and a glowing purple blade appeared and they both froze as they stared. “Shit!”

“Well- ok then,” Lotor said with a grin once Shiro let his hand grow dark. “That’s something.”

 

* * *

 

They trained with purpose after that, and Shiro started improving by leaps and bounds. He got good with the blade, and eventually they figured out he could use the arm as a sort of energy weapon too, but using it left him exhausted so it was more of a last resort. He was already good with a blaster, and soon he was coming out with them on some of the easier missions, just to test the waters.

Lotor was worried about what it would be like if Shiro had to take commands from him, but he shouldn’t have been. They’d been in this position before, with Lotor higher ranked than him. It hadn’t been a problem then and it wasn’t now, Shiro had no issue technically being subordinate and they worked well together. Still, it was nerve-wracking to both be out in the field. Lotor was so scared that something would happen to him, but he held his own easily and had no trouble keeping up.

Lotor taught him about the Galra, their technology, other alien races he’d run into. He shared stories about other missions, and even a little bit about his time in the arena.

Shiro let Lotor take the lead with- with everything else too. He was a saint, he never pushed for more than kissing even though he must have been frustrated. Lotor felt bad about it, but he just couldn’t go further, not without remembering Sendak.

It had worked with Ulaz because it had always been fast and dirty, frantic. Lotor had asked Ulaz to be rough with him, slap him around a little, and that was different enough that he didn’t get lost in his own head while they fucked. But he couldn’t ask that of Shiro.

Even if he agreed, which Lotor had a feeling he wouldn’t, that wasn’t what he really wanted from him anyway. He wanted slow and sweet, fun and laughter. He wanted what they used to have, before. He wanted to somehow wipe away the four years he’d lost with Sendak and start fresh, be clean and new.

But he couldn’t, Sendak had crawled in under his skin and _stayed._ He was too entwined with what Lotor was now, and he refused to leave.

Every time Lotor fought, it was with moves that Sendak had taught him. Every time he even _read_ anything Galra, it was because Sendak had taught him to do it. He was everywhere, haunting him even now, nearly a year later. He dreamed about him nearly every night, and sometimes it was pain and torture, Palen Bol and punishments. But mostly it was the sex, and how good it had been, and every time Lotor woke with an erection he felt sick with himself.

It had been _rape_ , even though it hadn’t always felt like it, even though sometimes he’d wanted it desperately. He was still dreaming about his rapist when Shiro was right there, next to him, and he just wanted it to be over, wanted to move past it. But he had no idea how, and at the back of his mind he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to, not ever. He was afraid that Sendak would stay with him always.

And- and Shiro was hurting too. He’d been through torture too, he had his own nightmares. Lotor knew because they slept together every night now, and it was a rare thing for them to sleep the whole night through without waking each other with their thrashing and screaming. Lotor should have been focused on taking care of Shiro, but he could barely take care of himself.

But during the day, at least, it was almost like it had been before- easy. They fell into old routines, old inside jokes, like two puzzle pieces coming together. They didn’t quite fit the same as before but it was still amazing, like drawing a deep breath after years of drowning.

Lotor woke screaming from a nightmare one night and for a second he was disoriented, _sure_ that he was back in his cell, but then Shiro was there, talking to him, holding him, and for the first time in a long time he felt safe. Not the false sense of safety of being with Sendak, not the physical safety of being with the Blades- surrounded by hulking Galra that all seemed to look at him fondly, like family. He felt safe in his mind, in his body, he felt settled and loved and for a second he couldn’t breathe. Everything smelled like Shiro, for a moment everything was alright.

“Hey, hey, I’m here,” Shiro was saying. “I’m here with you, it’s alright.”

“Yeah,” he whispered. “Yeah, it is. Sorry I woke you.”

“It’s ok,” Shiro said. “I was having a nightmare too, so you did me a favor.”

Lotor laughed, turning his face into Shiro’s shoulder. “Aren’t we a fucking pair.”

“The best pair,” Shiro said, running his fingers through Lotor’s hair. “Who needs sleep, anyway. We’re badass space knights, sleep is for the weak.”

Lotor laughed again. “I think I sweated through the sheets though,” he muttered. “I feel gross. I’m going to shower.”

“Ok,” Shiro said. “I’ll change the sheets and go after.”

“We could… we could change the sheets together,” Lotor said slowly. “And we could- we could shower together. If you want.”

“Of course I do,” Shiro said. “But- are you sure?”

“Yeah,” Lotor said, and tried not to feel nervous as he stood. It was silly, he had nothing to be nervous about, it was _Shiro_.

They changed the sheets and went into the bathroom together. Lotor’s hands were shaking as he went to take off his shirt and Shiro kissed him gently.

“We don’t have to do this,” he said. “If you changed your mind that’s ok. Whatever you want to do is ok.”

Suddenly he wasn’t scared anymore and he grinned. “What, afraid you’ll bust a nut as soon as you see me naked?”

“Well, yeah, duh,” Shiro said. “Always.”

“Keep it together, space knight,” Lotor said.

“No promises,” Shiro said as he went to take off his own clothes. Lotor couldn’t help staring as Shiro stripped. He was so much more muscular now than he’d been before, and his shoulders were so wide, his waist so narrow. It was ridiculous, he was ridiculous. Who had a body like that? Lotor stared as Shiro walked into the shower, stared at his ass, his thighs. He was like a greek statue, like something straight out of all of Lotor’s fantasies. He turned the water on and then he was _wet_ , too, and it was just-

Lotor forced himself to look away so he wouldn’t fall over as he stripped and got in with him. Shiro turned and ran his eyes down Lotor’s body, and suddenly Lotor was frozen, scared all over again. Suddenly he remembered all his scars, the sigil he’d carved into his chest-

Shiro’s face was doing something funny, and then he cried out and threw his head back dramatically, faking an orgasm, and Lotor laughed as the fear melted away.

“God, you’re embarrassing,” he muttered as he stepped closer so he could get under the water.

“You’re the embarrassing one,” Shiro said, making room for him. “How many digits of pi do you know?”

“Way more than you do.”

“And you’re proud of that too, aren’t you? Nerd.”

“Pervert,” Lotor fired back. “Used your vibrating fingers on yourself tonight?”

“Please, you’re just jealous you don’t have vibrating fingers,” Shiro said as he reached for the soap. “I’m getting real good with the settings, too. You don’t know what you’re missing.”

“Show me,” Lotor said, lifting his chin like a challenge.

Shiro’s eyes widened as he flushed with surprise and arousal. All this time they’d been standing naked next to each other and Shiro had been so careful not to touch him, not to overstep his boundaries. Suddenly Lotor was done with it and he grabbed Shiro by the back of the neck and kissed him before pushing him up against the wall.

Shiro dropped the soap in surprise and it skittered away somewhere, and then his hands were around Lotor’s back and their chests were pressed together, and their hips-

Lotor moaned. He was getting hard and he could feel Shiro was too, and it was amazing. He reached down and took both of them in his hand and had to pull away from Shiro’s mouth so he could just _breathe_.

“Lotor,” Shiro moaned. “Oh fuck, that’s- _Lotor_ -”

Lotor laughed at how lost Shiro sounded, how desperate he was already. “Someone was talking real big about vibrating fingers over here, and has yet to deliver.”

“Yeah,” Shiro breathed out. “Yeah- what do you want? What do you want me to do?”

“Touch me,” Lotor said, panting against Shiro’s neck.

He heard it before he felt it, and then he jerked as Shiro trailed the fingers of his right hand over his nipples, his chest, down his sides.

“Ok if I take over down there?” Shiro asked.

“Yeah,” Lotor said, pulling his hand back to let Shiro take their cocks. Lotor cried out at the first touch, oddly intense.

“Ok?” Shiro asked.

“Yeah- it’s- oh fuck, oh- oh Shiro-”

Lotor screwed his eyes shut and wrapped his arms around Shiro’s shoulders. It was so strange, but good, too. Shiro’s cock against his, his hand wrapped around them, the vibrations rippling over him. It almost tickled, and then Shiro did something and they got stronger, pulsing, and Lotor’s knees almost gave out.

“Can I suck you off?” Shiro whispered.

“Yeah,” Lotor said, impossibly turned on. He whined when Shiro pulled away and then he was sinking to his knees before him and taking him in his mouth and Lotor moaned helplessly, his thighs shaking with the effort it took to stay standing.

“Fuck, you taste so good,” Shiro said.

“Shut up, pervert,” Lotor laughed. Shiro wrapped his vibrating fingers around Lotor’s shaft as he sucked on the head of his cock and Lotor threw his head back, breathing hard. He felt dizzy and amazing, everything was amazing.

“Can you- can you finger me?”

“No lube, baby,” Shiro said sadly.

“Well- get some!”

“You want to move this out of the shower so it doesn’t all just get washed away?”

Lotor opened his eyes, shivering. He was suddenly so unsure, except- except Shiro was still touching him, and he wanted _more_ , and-

“Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, let’s- let’s-”

Shiro stood and shut off the water and Lotor grabbed his hand and dragged him out.

“Wait, towels-” Shiro said.

“Fuck towels, bed.”

“We’ll get the sheets wet,” Shiro laughed.

“Fuck the sheets, we’ll change them again after, who cares. Come _on_ -”

“Yes sir,” Shiro said and Lotor shoved him down to the bed before climbing on top and kissing him, holding on for dear life.

Shiro fumbled for the lube in the nightstand, a small bottle of oil that was more than half empty.

“You’ve been busy,” Lotor said, arching an eyebrow pointedly.

“Yeah, well-” Shiro said, blushing. “I have vibrating fingers, can you blame me?”

“You’re a menace,” Lotor huffed out. “Now come on, already.”

“Right hand? Left hand?” Shiro asked, holding both up with a smirk. “Dealer’s choice?”

“Right hand,” Lotor said. “You’ve been talking it up so much, I’m intrigued.”

“Alright,” Shiro said, laughing as he fumbled for the lube. He slicked his fingers and then looked up, suddenly serious. “You ready? You’re still excited about this?”

Lotor bit his lip nervously. “Say my name,” he whispered.

“ _Lotor_ ,” Shiro said, low and intimate, and Lotor closed his eyes as he shivered. “Lotor,” Shiro said again, taking his hand. “What do you want?”

“You,” Lotor said with a smile and leaned down to kiss him.

“That’s fair, I’m pretty great,” Shiro said.

“You are, you really are,” Lotor said and then they were both laughing. “Now come _on_ already!”

“Patience yields focus, Lotor.”

“Don’t give me that bullshit right now, you basta- ah!”

“You could be a little nicer to the guy with the amazing vibrating space hand,” Shiro said as he pushed his fingers in deeper.

“Oh fuck,” Lotor managed, tightening his hands over Shiro’s shoulders. “Can you-”

“Yeah baby,” Shiro murmured, stroking Lotor’s thigh with his free hand. “Yeah, what do you need?”

“Faster, just-”

Shiro sped up and angled his fingers just the way he knew Lotor liked and it was bliss.

“Wanna play with the temperature controls? The cool setting’s pretty uh- pretty nice.”

Lotor opened his eyes in surprise and Shiro was grinning up at him and his hair was sweaty and flopping into his face and Lotor was- he couldn’t help the laugh bubbling out of him. “Fuck, Shiro- save something for later!”

Shiro rolled his eyes. “Pfft, _later_. We’re in space, Lotor. We can do whatever we want.”

“What I want is for you to focus on getting me off, if you would.”

“Help me out a little, come down here,” Shiro said, raising his left hand to the back of Lotor’s neck. Lotor bent to kiss him as he shifted to move over Shiro’s fingers inside him, riding him. He slipped his hand down to his cock and moaned as he stroked himself, pressing his face against Shiro’s sweaty neck. “Lotor,” Shiro whispered into his ear, running his fingers through his hair.

“Hold on,” Shiro said, “hold on, check this out-”

And then he did something and the vibrations got intense and pulsing, right up against his prostate, and Lotor whimpered loudly. “Oh fuck,” he moaned. “Oh- Shiro-”

“Yeah,” Shiro said. “Pretty neat, huh?”

“ _Neat_?” Lotor laughed, and then Shiro twisted his fingers and he was coming, and still laughing, and it was ridiculous and amazing.

“God, you’re so hot,” Shiro said as Lotor flopped down on the bed next to him.

“So I guess you still like my weird dumb body, huh,” he managed as he pushed his hair out of his face.

“Always,” Shiro said, pressing closer as he fisted his own cock.

“You want a hand with that?” Lotor asked.

“Nah, you look pretty comfortable,” Shiro grinned. “Just lie there all sexy for me.”

“Want me to strike a pose?” Lotor asked, stretching slowly.

“I know you’re just joking around but also, that’s fucking hot,” Shiro said, blushing.

“Come here, you dope,” Lotor said and pulled him into a kiss. Shiro couldn’t really keep it together enough to kiss him by then but that was alright, it was good just to feel him. Shiro came with a gasp and collapsed half on top of him, breathing hard.

“Easy,” Lotor said, “you’re kind of a big guy.”

“Deal with it,” Shiro muttered.

“Yeah, ok,” Lotor said, wrapping his arms around him.

 

* * *

 

Lotor woke slowly, pleasantly sore. He was happy and sleeping in a real bed, not his cold hard cot. Sendak was holding him close, he must have been good last night for Sendak to have let him sleep in his bed. He didn’t remember what he’d done, though, why he’d been rewarded like this, and- and his shackles were gone, and that was-

He froze as he realized where he was, what he’d been thinking.

Slowly he slipped out from under Shiro’s arm and went to the bathroom where he could panic in private, turning on the water and leaning hard on the sink so he could catch his breath. It was alright, he was alright.

Kolivan had taught him a calming technique, for focusing outside himself instead of his own racing thoughts. He forced himself to take a deep breath as he focused on what was around him instead of inside of him. Name five things he could see, first-

“Faucet,” he whispered slowly. “Water, sink, mirror-”

He looked up and that had been a fucking mistake. He was still naked and suddenly he couldn’t stop staring at his chest. “Sendak,” he whispered helplessly.

_“You’re mine, aren’t you?”_ _Sendak whispered into his ear._

“No,” Lotor said, sinking down to press his back against the wall and wrap his arms around his knees. “No, I’m not. I’m not.”

Fuck things he could see, he’d just- just skip to what he could feel. He focused on the cold wall against his back, the tiles under his feet, still damp from when he and Shiro had showered in the middle of the night. Fuck.

Shiro.

Shiro was still asleep, thank god. And Lotor had thought he was Sendak, for just an instant, and that made him want to throw up.

No, he was focusing on the cold wall, the damp tiles.

“Ok,” he said to himself, lowering his hands to lay his palms on the ground. Damp tiles. “Ok.”

As he calmed he let himself think about Shiro again, sleeping in their bed. He’d really thought that having sex with him would be like- like breaking a spell. Like suddenly everything would just go back to how it had been before, but obviously it wasn’t going to be that easy. But- but still. They’d had sex, and Lotor hadn’t even been drunk. And- and he’d gotten naked and it had been fine, better than fine. It had been good, fun. So maybe he wasn’t completely broken after all.

“Ok,” he whispered, and finally had the strength to stand. He caught sight of himself in the mirror again and this time seeing that sigil didn’t send him spiraling, it was just- horrible, and ugly and- and he wanted it _gone_. He wanted to wipe Sendak off of him, wanted to burn him out, wanted to take control of his body and rip Sendak _out_ of it.

Suddenly he knew exactly what he wanted to do and he set his jaw, turning the water off before grabbing the first aid kit out of the cabinet and going back into the bedroom.

Shiro was awake and sitting up, looking around uncertainly. “Hey,” he said when he saw Lotor walking in, the relief clear in his voice. “You ok? You still ok with what happened last night?”

“Yeah,” Lotor said, setting the first aid kit on the bed before sitting. 

“Uh, what’s that for?” Shiro said uncertainly.

“For after,” Lotor said.

“After… what?” Shiro whispered.

“Shiro,” Lotor said. “Listen, I’m going to ask you to do something for me, and it might sound a little… fucked up. But I need you to say yes, ok?”

Shiro licked his lips, and he was still staring at the first aid kit, so Lotor took his face in his hands to make Shiro look him in the eyes, trying to show him how serious he was, how much he meant it.

“What is it?”

“I need you to-” Lotor broke off. It was so simple, so why was it so hard to ask? “I need you to wipe his sigil away, do you understand? I can’t bear to have it on my skin anymore, I don’t want to have to ever see it again. Can you do that for me?” He reached out to take Shiro’s right hand, hoping he got it, that he wouldn’t have to spell it out.

Shiro’s eyes widened with shock, and then he looked down. “Are you sure?” he asked, his voice low and serious. “It’s going to hurt.”

“I’m sure,” Lotor said, smiling grimly. “I’m sure. Shiro- please.”

“Lie down,” Shiro said and Lotor couldn’t help feeling faint with nerves.

“Ok,” Shiro said, setting his right hand over Lotor’s chest, over the scar. “Ok, ready?”

“Hold my hand,” Lotor said and Shiro smiled as he did what Lotor asked, twining their fingers together. “And- and kiss me.”

“Alright,” Shiro whispered, bending down. And then his hand was heating up and Lotor turned his face away from the kiss, gritting his teeth so he wouldn’t scream. He could smell burning flesh and it was nauseating, and then Shiro pulled his hand away and he could breathe again. He looked down to see Shiro’s handprint where Sendak had been, and it was beautiful.

“Thank you,” Lotor managed as Shiro dragged the first aid kit closer. Relief washed over him in slow waves in concert with the movement of Shiro’s fingers, smoothing a cooling salve over the burn, covering it with a bandage.

“Thank you,” Lotor repeated once Shiro had finished and set the first aid kit on the ground.

“Come here,” Shiro said roughly and pulled him closer, breathing hard against his hair. “Let’s not do that again, ok? Don’t ask me to do that again.”

“I won’t, I won’t,” Lotor muttered gratefully. “I won’t. Thank you.”

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

 

* * *

 

Lotor tried to get up for training but Shiro pulled him back firmly.

“You’ve got a giant burn mark on your chest,” he said with a scowl. “Maybe give it a day to heal up a little before you go out there, and- and-”

“Ok,” Lotor said with a smile.

“Really? That easy, huh?” Shiro asked.

“Yeah, if you stay here with me.”

“Of course I will.”

Shiro leaned over to the nightstand to pull out his datapad. “Check it out, I’ve been reading Altean fairytales.”

“Why?” Lotor frowned.

“Well… it’s a part of you, a part I want to know. And some of them are pretty great, do you want to hear? There’s one about this crazy place called Oriande, where Alteans go to train in Alchemy. I mean, it’s magic, basically- but that’s what they call it.”

“Oh,” Lotor said with a small smile.

“Do you want to hear it?”

“Yes,” Lotor said, turning to his side and wrapping his arm around Shiro’s waist.

Shiro read out loud for a while, and Lotor even napped a little, but soon neither of them could deny their growing hunger and Shiro went down to the mess hall to get some food goo for them. Shiro drew up short when he walked in to see all the Blades there. They turned to stare at him and he took a half step back nervously.

“Lotor missed morning training,” Kolivan said sternly.

“Uh, yeah,” Shiro said. “We- we’re taking the day off.”

“The day- off?” Antok asked, tilting his head to the side.

“Yes?” Shiro said. “We’re taking a break. He’s resting.”

“Resting,” Ulaz said flatly, like he didn’t know what the word meant.

Shiro drew himself up to his full height. “Yes, _resting_ ,” he said, glaring. He didn’t quite know what to make of Ulaz still, not after Lotor had told him that they’d been- _together_. But Ulaz had also been the operative that had rescued Lotor from Sendak’s medbay and Shiro was impossibly grateful to him for that, and maybe even for the rest of it too, for being there for Lotor when he couldn’t be.

Kolivan’s face was doing something strange and it took Shiro a moment to realize he was _smiling_. It was bizarre.

Kolivan walked over to set his giant hand heavily on Shiro’s shoulder.

“Good work, cub.”

And then the others were coming over to ruffle his hair and pat him on the back and Shiro just stood there, completely bewildered. “So- you’re not angry, then?”

“Angry?” Antok asked. “We’ve been trying to get him to rest for pheobs, but he insists on working himself to exhaustion.”

“Oh,” Shiro said.

They broke out into excited conversation amongst themselves and Shiro took that as his cue to slip away. “Well… I’m gonna... go get some food now,” he muttered but they weren’t paying attention to him anymore.

“Cub,” he heard Regris say and paused, pretty sure that meant him. “Bring him to dinner, we’re celebrating tonight.”

“Celebrating what?”

“Our new packbrother,” Kolivan said. “You.”

“Ah,” Shiro said, blushing. “Well- thank you. Leader.”

Kolivan nodded with approval and Shiro slipped away.

“Lotor- Kolivan smiled at me,” he said when he came back into the room. “And they called me- cub? Should I be offended?”

Lotor laughed as he sat up. “No, it means they like you. You’re part of the team for real, now. The first human to be considered a full Blade- you’re a trail blazer, Shirogane.”

“It’s an honor to be part of my boyfriend’s alien spy cult,” Shiro said as he climbed into bed with the tray of food.

“Gross, we’re going to eat in bed?”

“We’ll change the sheets, who cares.”

“We can always shower again,” Lotor said with a smile but Shiro paused, his eyes drawn to the bandage over his chest.

“Maybe later,” he said quietly, running his fingers gently over the edge of it. “They said to bring you to dinner,” he continued, trying not to think too hard about what was under that bandage. “They said we’re celebrating tonight.”

“What are we celebrating?” Lotor asked curiously as he started to eat.

“Me, apparently.”

Lotor beamed at him proudly and Shiro nudged him in the side to get him to stop, blushing.

They lazed around until dinner, and it was almost like every lazy Sunday they’d had back on Earth. Dinner turned out to be real food, and plenty of it. There was alcohol, too, and as the evening wore on Shiro was shocked to see everyone- even Kolivan- getting increasingly drunk. They tried to teach him some game that involved knives that he was no good at, and then spent an excessive amount of time teasing him when he failed, but somehow it felt- warm.

“Cub,” Kolivan said at last, his voice booming through the hall. “Teach us how to make our kit laugh.”

“What?” Shiro asked, sure he was hearing things, but he wasn’t that drunk, was he?

“He only laughs for you,” Antok muttered, slurring his words slightly.

“Sure, I’ll teach you,” Shiro said, setting down his cup on the table and grinning as he turned to Lotor sitting beside him.

“Shiro- no,” Lotor said, staring at him wide-eyed as his face turned bright red. “No- I’m never going to live it down- Shiro!”

“I can’t disobey an order from our Leader,” Shiro said before wrapping an arm around his waist and dragging him closer.

“It’s not going to work,” Lotor said firmly.

“It always works, because you’re a weirdo,” Shiro said with a grin. “And you’re drunk now too, so-” he looked around the hall, pausing dramatically. “Ok- here’s the magic word.”

The Blades leaned closer, watching with rapt attention while Lotor crossed his arms over his chest.

“ _Spaghetti,_ ” Shiro murmured into his ear, and watched as Lotor blushed and bit his lip to try and hold in a snort, his nostrils flaring.

Shiro had no idea why this was a _thing_ \- if he just thought the word was funny, or if he’d experienced some sort of hilarious spaghetti-related incident that left him cracking up at the mere mention of it. Lotor refused to explain it, but it had worked without fail ever since Shiro had first figured it out back when they were thirteen and through all the following years.

“Spaghetti?” Ulaz asked, drawing the word out curiously, and Lotor looked down, hiding his face as he pressed his lips together.

“What is this _spaghetti_?” Antok demanded, and at the sound of the word coming out in his deep baritone Lotor finally lost it and burst out into laughter.

“Oh,” Regris breathed out as all the Blades watched Lotor laughing, absolutely delighted.

“Your dark secret is out now,” Shiro said to him as Lotor clutched at his middle. “Don’t wear it out,” he said, pointing at the Blades sternly as they all grinned while Lotor hid his face against Shiro’s shoulder.

 

* * *

 

“This is potentially a very dangerous development,” Kolivan said, standing at the head of the conference room. He hit something on his gauntlet to pull up a grainy image- a gleaming white ship that looked like a castle.

“We’ve gotten several reports now and it’s unmistakable. Voltron has returned.”

There were gasps and nervous murmurs from the Blades sitting around the table and Shiro looked around, frowning.

“What is Voltron?” Lotor asked, sitting beside him.

“An ancient superweapon,” Kolivan explained, “comprising of five legendary mechanical Lions that combine to form a giant mecha warrior- Voltron.”

“It was created ten millennia ago by King Alfor of Altea,” Ulaz said, crossing his arms over his chest. “He gave the Lions to his friends, including Zarkon- Paladin of the Black Lion, the leader- and together they conquered much of the known universe under the semblance of bringing _peace_.”

“No one knows what truly happened to make the alliance collapse,” Kolivan said, “but Alfor turned on Zarkon. He disbanded Voltron, sending the Lions away, and then he destroyed Daibazaal, the Galra home planet. But Zarkon was always the better strategist, the better warrior. He survived to destroy Altea in retaliation, and started a genocide that included even his own wife- an Altean named Honerva.

“To this day he conquers. Some say he still searches for Alteans, some say he simply has an insatiable bloodthirst. Others yet say he’s being controlled by his witch, Haggar, who pushes him into providing her with endless quintessence.

“Regardless- if Voltron falls into his hands, we may as well turn our blades on ourselves. The Empire will be unstoppable.”

“What if we try to get Voltron on our side?” Shiro asked. “The current Paladins can’t be the same as the ones of old- maybe they can be reasoned with.”

“It’s true that so far they have only been attacking Galra troops and Galra-occupied planets,” Kolivan said, “but they are reckless and erratic. They’ve already committed numerous war crimes and they’ve only been active for a few cycles. I fear they can’t be reasoned with.”

“So what do we do?” Antok asked.

“We must gain control of Voltron or take it off the field and put it where Zarkon can’t find it. This will be our most ambitious mission yet,” Kolivan said. “We’ve received a report with the Castle’s most likely location. We will infiltrate the ship, neutralize the Paladins, and see if we can take the Lions. If we cannot- we will place the entire Castle, and Voltron itself, into one of our hidden pocket dimensions.”

Shiro wiped his sweaty palm on his pants. This seemed wrong, somehow. But he was willing to trust Kolivan’s judgement on this. He’d never steered them wrong before.

 

* * *

 

Shiro docked their cloaked ship carefully on one of the Castle’s turrets, waiting for Lotor to run scans before going any further.

“Strange,” Lotor frowned.

“What is it?”

“There are supposed to be five Paladins, but I see seven life signs. Kolivan, are you getting the same readings?”

_“Yes, kit,”_ Kolivan said through the comms. He was on the other side of the Castle with Ulaz, while Antok and Regris were in a third ship at a different infiltration point.

_“All life signs are dormant,”_ Regris said. _“I believe it is safe to proceed as planned.”_

“They’re all asleep at the same time?” Lotor snorted with derision. “Idiots.”

_“Agreed,”_ Kolivan said. _“With both of you. Let’s proceed.”_

Shiro stood and pulled Lotor in for a kiss before turning on his mask. “For luck.”

“Who needs luck?” Lotor asked with a grin, and then they were leaving their fighter and opening the airlock into the Castle. They snuck through the darkened halls, careful to avoid the patrolling Altean sentries as they headed for the bridge.

_“We’re in the hangar,”_ Antok said quietly. _“The Lions are here- all five of them.”_

_“Good,”_ Kolivan said. _“Heading to the living quarters now. Kit? Cub? What is your progress?”_

“We’re here,” Shiro said, “about to enter the bridge now.”

Lotor looked up from where he’d opened the cover of the panel beside the door. “I don’t think it’s even locked,” he said incredulously.

“Is this a trap, or are they really this stupid?” Shiro asked, tightening his right hand into a fist nervously before forcing himself to relax.

“I guess we’ll find out.” Lotor put the cover back on the panel and Shiro reached out to press his fingers to the door. It opened with a soft hiss, revealing the empty bridge.

“Ok,” Shiro said, stepping inside carefully. He looked around while Lotor locked the door behind them. The bridge was spacious with large observation windows; a platform stood in the center with two narrow pillars rising out of it to roughly hip height. He stepped past it to what looked like the navigation controls, examining the console thoughtfully. It seemed close enough to what he was familiar to, he had a good feeling that he’d be able to fly it if it came to that.

“We’re in,” Lotor said quietly into the comms.

_“Good, hold until my signal,”_ Kolivan ordered. _“We’ve captured two of the Paladins. Antok? Regris?”_

_“We have one, we’re coming up on the second.”_

_“Good, keep me apprised of your progress.”_

“Does this seem too easy?” Lotor asked, looking around suspiciously.

“Yeah,” Shiro said. He heard a strange high-pitched squeaking somewhere in the corner of the room and looked over to see a fat mouse with a tiny ribbon around its neck, tied into a delicate bow. “Look,” he said, pointing.

“This just keeps getting weirder,” Lotor muttered, and then the Castle shook with an ear splitting _roar_.

“What the hell was that?” Shiro asked in alarm, looking around.

“No clue, the Lions?”

“I think our cover’s blown.”

The lights turned red and started flashing as an alarm wailed through the bridge and probably the entire ship. “No shit, Sherlock,” Lotor said. “Leader?”

They both flinched at the loud bang on the door. “Jesus,” Shiro said, eyes widening as he saw the giant dent in the solid steel. There was another bang and the door dented inwards right before his eyes.

_“What’s going on?”_

“They’re breaching the bridge,” Lotor said as he drew closer to Shiro.

_“Leader,”_ Regris said, sounding out of breath, _“the Red Paladin has escaped-”_

“Well this has gone to shit,” Shiro muttered.

_“Stay calm,”_ Kolivan ordered, _“we have Yellow, Green, and Blue. Hold your position, try not to engage.”_

There was an impossible groaning sound like ripping metal and the door to the bridge flew inwards. Shiro could only stare at a lithe young woman in black armor as she lowered her fist and straightened slowly, breathing hard. She was beautiful with dark skin and pointed ears, her white hair settling like a cloud around her. There was a red-haired man with a bushy mustache and the same pointed ears standing at her right shoulder, holding two blasters pointed right at them. Shiro shared a glance with Lotor and they raised their hands slowly in surrender.

“Who are you?” the woman demanded. “How did you get in here?”

“Take it easy,” Shiro said, trying to keep his voice low and calm. “We’re not alone, and our packmates have captured three of your Paladins. Don’t do anything you’ll regret.”

The woman scowled as she stalked forward. “How dare you threaten me on my own ship?”

“Princess,” the red-haired man said nervously. “I think he’s telling the truth. I can’t get in touch with Pidge, Hunk, or Lance.”

Shiro frowned at the names. “Wait a minute-”

The tone of the alarm shifted into something frantic and the woman’s eyes widened as she looked up at something behind them. Shiro couldn’t help glancing backwards over his shoulder and the bottom dropped out of his stomach as he saw the giant Galra ship warping out of space to hover ominously before them.

“Zarkon’s Command Ship,” the woman breathed out. “You brought him here!”

“We didn’t-” Shiro tried, but then the woman screamed and clutched at her head, falling to her knees. Lotor screamed too and staggered backwards a few steps, curling into himself. “Lotor-!”

“What did you do?” the red-haired man yelled in horror as he looked down at the woman.

Shiro took advantage of his distraction to lunge, ripping the blasters out of his grip and crushing them with his Galra hand.

“It’s not us,” Lotor gasped. “It’s- it’s Zarkon. She’s the Black Paladin, he’s using his bond with the Black Lion to attack her, I can- I can feel echoes of it. Oh fuck-”

“What are you talking about?” the man asked, staring up at Shiro looming over him even as he gathered the woman protectively to his chest. She was still screaming and writhing in pain and Shiro could barely catch his breath as panic threatened to overwhelm him.

“Lotor-” Shiro started.

“We have to get out of here, _now_ ,” Lotor bit out, scrambling over to the platform with the pillars. “Please tell me you can fly this thing.”

“I think so,” Shiro said as he ran for the controls. He activated the particle barrier just in time to deflect the first blast of the Command Ship’s ion cannon and cried out in shock as the Castle shook at the impact. The Command Ship was launching a swarm of fighters, so many that they practically filled the whole viewscreen.

_“What’s happening?”_ Kolivan demanded.

“Zarkon’s here,” Shiro bit out, “he’s-” he broke off as he saw blue lightning out of the corner of his eye and turned to see Lotor standing with his hands over the pillars, and- and the lightning was coming from _him_. “What are you doing?” he asked in shock.

“Just- let me focus for a minute,” Lotor said, his voice coming out strained. “Get ready-”

“Ok,” Shiro said, forcing himself to breathe deeply, to stay calm. There was some strange glowing thing flickering in space before them, branching blue lightning that solidified into a ring of odd symbols, and within it- swirling darkness.

“Take us through!” Lotor cried out.

“What is that thing?” Shiro asked. It looked ominous, dangerous. He’d never seen anything like it before.

“Shiro! I can’t hold it much longer- take us through!”

Shiro gritted his teeth and tightened his hands on the controls to activate the thrusters, and then the ship was moving towards the portal. He couldn’t help flinching as they made contact but there was no impact, no sign of anything wrong. The Castle slipped inside smoothly and the portal closed behind them, leaving them in darkness.

“Where are we?” Shiro asked, but it was just darkness and odd purple lights, something like smoke rushing past them-

He heard a whimper and looked back to see Lotor swaying on his feet. He scrambled to get to him, catching him before he fell. “Lotor,” he said, turning off his mask so he could see his face. “Lotor?”

He was alive, frowning faintly, and Shiro brushed his hair back from his face as he tried to remember how to breathe.

“What happened here?” Kolivan’s booming voice rang out through the bridge as he took in the scene before him- the destroyed door, Shiro cradling Lotor in his arms, the red haired man crouching over his Princess, the strange dark tunnel they were flying through-

“Who are you? What do you want?” the red-haired man demanded, his moustache bristling. “How did he activate the Teleduv, and-”

“Coran,” the young woman groaned and his attention was effectively diverted.

“Princess Allura,” he said fondly, putting his hand on her face. “Princess- are you alright?”

She sighed slowly as her body relaxed into something like exhausted slumber.

“Cub? What happened?” Ulaz asked as he stepped inside. “What is all this?”

“I don’t know, he-” Shiro looked down to see Lotor’s eyes were open now, and he smiled as he shut off his own mask. “Hey,” he whispered. “Can you stand, do you think?”

“Yeah,” Lotor said, struggling to get up while Shiro rose with him, holding him by the waist. “Is she- is she alright?”

“Why would you even care?” the red-haired man, Coran, spit out, and then he finally looked up into Lotor’s face and his eyes widened. “You- you’re _Altean_? And you- you’re human.”

“Yeah,” Shiro said. “That Pidge you mentioned- that wouldn’t happen to be Katie Holt, would it?”

Coran’s mouth fell open in shock. “How do you-”

“And then- Hunk and Lance. Cadets Hunk and Lance, from the Garrison. Your Red Paladin, is he human, too?”

“Yes,” Coran said slowly.

“And that would be-” Shiro looked up, through the gaping and ripped-up doors to the bridge, past Kolivan and Ulaz, at the young man in red armor creeping up on them. “Keith.”

“Shiro?” he asked, straightening. Kolivan and Ulaz sprang back and turned in shock, drawing their blades.

“It’s alright,” Shiro told them and they let Keith pass as he lunged to wrap his arms around Shiro’s middle. “Hey, Keith,” he said as he dropped his hand to cradle the back of Keith’s head.

“What are you, a space pirate now?” Keith asked as he pulled back. His eyes slid to the side and he flushed as he saw Lotor. “Captain Lotor!” he yelped. “It’s- it’s an honor to meet you!”

“That’s enough," Kolivan said. "Let’s get the Princess to the medbay, I’ll have the others meet us there. Clearly we need to sort this out.”

“Let me help,” Ulaz said, crouching down beside Coran. He flinched back, uncertain for a moment, but then Keith smiled at him and he drew back. “I won’t hurt her,” Ulaz said as he carefully picked up the Princess.

“I’ll show you the way,” Keith said, taking the lead.

“So, you want to explain why we’re trapped in some kind of vortex?” Shiro muttered to Lotor as they walked.

“You read the story to me yourself,” Lotor said, like it was obvious.

“What are you talking about?”

“You know, about the Altean Princess who was running away from an arranged marriage to a cruel Prince, so she opened a Teleduv portal with a beginning but no end to hide in-”

“Hold on,” Coran said incredulously. “That’s just a fairytale! That’s impossible! No one has ever done that-”

“Well, no one told me it was impossible,” Lotor said defensively. “I just- I mean- Zarkon was there! What was I supposed to do? We didn’t stand a chance, and I’m pretty sure he can track the Black Lion through his bond-”

“That would explain some things,” Keith said.

They were nearly at the medbay by then, and Shiro couldn’t help smiling when he saw Antok and Regris leading three human Paladins. Their hands were shackled before them and they all looked scared and vaguely disgruntled, but then Pidge looked up and broke out in a surprised smile.

“Katie Holt, what would your mother say if she knew you were gallivanting about in space like this?” Shiro asked.

“Captain Shiro!” she called out.

He stepped forward to ruffle her hair with a laugh.

“Have you seen-”

“Your dad and brother? We rescued them and sent them back to Earth, Katie- they’re safe. Cadets Hunk and Lance- it’s been a long time.”

“No way,” Hunk said while Lance just opened and closed his mouth a few times.

There was something nagging at the back of Shiro’s mind. There were four human Paladins, and the Princess made five. And then there was her companion- Coran. But Lotor had said there were seven life signatures, so who was left?

The door to the medbay opened and Shiro walked in, still distracted by this strange turn of events, and then Lotor took a sharp breath and he looked up and-

“What the hell is this,” Kolivan growled.

Ulaz set the Princess carefully on a bed before stepping back and drawing his blaster.

“What is he doing here?” Antok demanded, pointing to the pod at the back of the room, and inside it-

_Sendak._

“He tried to steal the Lions, so we took him prisoner,” Keith said.

“We put prisoners in cells, not pods,” Kolivan said. “What are you doing to him?”

“We needed intel on Zarkon-” Pidge started.

“So you thought you’d mind-rape one of his Commanders?” Regris asked.

“I- that’s not-” Pidge stuttered.

“Then what would you call it?” Ulaz hissed coldly. “This is torture- you’re torturing a prisoner. I knew you couldn’t be trusted!”

“He’s a murderer!” Lance cried out.

“So that makes it right to forcibly extract memories from his mind?” Antok asked. “How self-righteous can you be! This is- this is vile. This is an abomination-”

Shiro turned to see Lotor staring at Sendak’s comatose body wide-eyed, trembling so hard his teeth were chattering. “Lotor?” he whispered fearfully.

“I’ll put him out of his misery,” Ulaz said, raising his blaster. “I’ll wipe away his crimes- and yours.”

“No!” Lotor cried out, rushing forward to shove Ulaz hard in the side. Ulaz stumbled, his blaster shot going wide. Lotor was still moving and Shiro tried to grab him but it was too late.

“Lotor!” he yelled, but Lotor was already in front of the pod.

“Stand aside, kit,” Kolivan said. “Let him- let him do it.”

Lotor didn’t say anything as he pressed his shaking hands to the glass, and then turned to push something on the console beside the pod, ejecting it out of the medbay, out of the ship. He stumbled backwards, breathing hard as he stared at the place where Sendak had just been, and then he turned and _ran_.

“Go after him!” Kolivan roared but Shiro was already moving, his heart beating wild in his chest. Lotor was faster, had longer legs, but the pure adrenaline pumping through Shiro’s system drove him onwards. As he ran he realized exactly where Lotor was going and he felt sick with it.

He finally caught up to Lotor back on their ship, typing something into the controls. Shiro took him by the wrist to yank him out of the pilot’s seat, dragging him away.

“ _NO_ ,” Lotor snarled, lashing out at him. He was strong and wild, but sloppy in his anger, and Shiro managed to wrestle him down to the ground and grabbed his wrists.

“Lotor, _stop!_ ” he yelled but Lotor refused to listen. He struggled, almost breaking Shiro’s grip, but Shiro just pressed down harder.

“I have to!” Lotor cried out. “I have to go after him-”

“Go after him or go to him?” Shiro asked quietly and Lotor stilled with a sharp gasp.

When he looked up his eyes were clearer. “I- I don’t know,” he whispered before dissolving into tears. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry-”

“Lotor,” Shiro said, his heart shriveling in his chest. “Oh, Lotor. I want to let you up. Can I let you up now?”

Lotor shook his head, still shuddering as he wept, and Shiro closed his eyes, breathing hard as he kept Lotor pressed to the floor, kept him away from the flight controls. “You tell me when you’re ready,” he said even as tears rose to his own eyes.

_“Did you get to him in time?”_ Kolivan asked over the comms.

“Yes,” Shiro said quietly. “I’ve got him.”

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a note- this chapter includes non-sexual Sendak flashbacks and a flashback to a consensual but rough sex scene between Lotor and Ulaz. Lotor does not always have the healthiest coping mechanisms but he is Doing His Best

 

* * *

 

 

Lotor and Shiro stayed on their ship while they waited for the Princess to wake and open a portal out of their directionless slide through the place between space and time. The Blades left the Castle and they didn’t speak as they turned their ships towards their base.

Shiro didn’t look at him and Lotor couldn’t blame him. He wouldn’t want to look at himself either. He’d thought it was over, he’d thought he’d started to move past it-

And then Sendak was there and everything came flooding back, and he’d- he’d-

He stood from the co-pilot’s seat and went back to lie down on the cot in the hold, where Shiro’s silence wouldn’t feel quite so loud. He wanted to cry again but there was nothing left, he was so- empty.

Maybe if it had been all bad, if would have been easier. Maybe if Sendak had only been cruel, Lotor could just hate him. But it hadn’t, and he hadn’t, and-

_“Get up,” Sendak said nervously. “Get dressed.”_

_“What’s wrong?” Lotor asked, standing from the bed and staggering over to his gladiator armor, putting it on as quickly as he could._

_“Hurry, little one,” Sendak whispered, and then there was a banging on the door and he froze._

_Lotor sped up, knowing instinctively that this was a matter of life or death. Sendak tossed him his helmet and he put it on before standing at attention, and when the banging came again Sendak went to open the door._

_A tall Galra strode in, his eyes glowing a bright ominous yellow. “Am I interrupting something?” he hissed angrily as he glared at the mussed sheets on the bed, at Lotor standing before it._

_“No, Emperor Zarkon,” Sendak said, dropping to one knee and lowering his head. “Apologies, I was- in the restroom.”_

_“Hmm,” Zarkon hummed thoughtfully. “And this is your new toy? Your Champion?”_

_He stepped forward to grab Lotor’s helmet with his giant hand, forcing his head up._

_“Yes, Sire,” Sendak said quietly. “He shows promise.”_

_“Why do you have him wear the helmet?” Zarkon asked, tilting Lotor’s head to the side. “I’m curious to see what’s underneath.”_

_“He’s- he’s quite disfigured,” Sendak said. “It turns even my stomach to see it. I wouldn’t want to subject your highness to such a thing.”_

_“I see,” Zarkon said as he shoved Lotor away, his curiosity forgotten. “Let’s proceed to your bridge, Commander. We have much to discuss.”_

_“Yes,” Sendak said, and it was only because Lotor knew him so well that he could hear the shaky relief in his voice-_

Lotor closed his eyes as he burrowed deeper into the blankets. He understood now what he hadn’t at the time. His Altean appearance and heritage, the Emperor’s blinding hatred. Sendak had saved his life then at the cost of his own, and not just then. Sendak had loved him, in his own twisted way, and he’d loved him back, and-

But it was a lie, it was a lie, it was a lie.

Sendak had taken him against his will, turned him into a killing machine, a puppet of the Empire. An executioner.

Lotor buried his face into the pillow when he heard Shiro stand and walk closer.

“I know you’re not asleep,” Shiro said quietly as he sat on the bed. “I’m sorry.”

And what did Shiro have to be sorry about?

“I- I don’t know what to do. Do you want me to leave you alone?”

Lotor managed to shake his head and Shiro sighed, lying down beside him.

“Can I hold you?” he whispered.

“Why would you want to?” Lotor bit out, tightening his fingers into the sheets, losing control of his claws. He winced when he heard the tearing of fabric but he couldn’t stop either, ripping into the thin pad underneath like it would do him any good if he just- destroyed it, all of it.

“Because it’s you,” Shiro said, and he didn’t sound disgusted or afraid. “Can I-?”

Lotor wanted him to so badly, but he couldn’t _say_ , and-

He didn’t need to, Shiro was coming closer, pressing himself to Lotor’s back, wrapping his arms around him. Everything smelled like Shiro and it was like being home again, for the first time in what felt like ages.

“Is this ok?” Shiro asked and Lotor could only nod, turning around so his head was tucked under Shiro’s chin, so his face was pressed up against Shiro’s chestplate and his arm was around his waist.

“I’m sorry,” he managed. “What must you think of me now?”

“I think I love you,” Shiro said. “And I’m sorry. And I’ll be here for you, I’ll do what I can, I’ll help you. Whatever you need, Lotor. I’ll do it, for you.”

“I don’t deserve it.”

“You do,” Shiro whispered. “You do. I know you do. Trust me?”

“Ok,” Lotor said after a long moment. “I trust you.”

 

* * *

 

_“Try to kill me,” Sendak said with a grin the first time he took Lotor to the training pits and gave him a blade._

_And_ fuck _did he try. He was already losing it by then, forgetting himself, and still there was something deep inside pushing him onwards. He tried for hours and every bout ended with him lying in the sand with Sendak smiling down at him, explaining what he’d done wrong, giving him advice for next time._

_By the end of the night he’d managed to score a single hit, not more than a scratch really, over Sendak’s shoulder. Sendak had wiped the blood off his skin and pressed his fingers to Lotor’s lips, still grinning at him, his eyes flashing darkly._

_“The taste of victory, little one,” he’d said. “Do you like it?”_

_And Lotor had looked up at him, his senses overwhelmed by blood and sweat and fear and adrenaline and he’d said-_

_“Yes.”_

 

* * *

 

“You should come eat,” Shiro said.

“I’m fine,” Lotor muttered as he sharpened his blade at the desk in their room.

“They miss you,” Shiro tried. “You know they love you, they want to-”

“I just want to be alone,” Lotor interrupted. “Just- just for a little while.”

“Alright,” Shiro said. He tried to hide how hurt he was, but he wasn’t that good of an actor. If it would make Shiro happy for just a moment Lotor wouldn’t have hesitated to rip his heart out and hand it to him, but he had no idea what would make Shiro happy. Maybe for Lotor to have never left, to have never been taken and used. But Lotor couldn’t give him that, couldn’t go back in time. All he could do was sharpen his blade and try to focus, try not to think.

“I’ll bring you dinner after, then,” Shiro said.

“Thank you,” Lotor said quietly. He’d been hiding it so well, hiding how deeply he’d fallen. But now Shiro knew and Lotor couldn’t look at him, couldn’t bear to see what was in his eyes. Someday soon Shiro would realize the truth, that Lotor wasn’t worth it, any of it. He’d go back home and he’d be safe, and then Lotor wouldn’t have to feel so guilty anymore. Not about doing what he’d done, not about keeping Shiro here, a part of a war he had no place in.

If he could just figure out how to get Shiro to leave, it would be so much easier. But he wasn’t sure he’d do it even if he knew. He was selfish, and greedy, and afraid. He still wanted Shiro in every way possible, and he felt like a hopeless fraud, a monster.

 

* * *

 

_He missed Sendak so badly and he hated himself for it. He missed being held close, being fucked, being warm._

_Sometimes he tried to touch himself, but he always flashed back to_ Shiro _\- staring at him in the arena, his face, speckled with blood as Lotor pulled his blade closer, forced Shiro to impale him, kill him._

_He hadn’t intended to survive._

_But then he’d woken in the medbay to Ulaz looking down at him, holding him, pulling him up. Ulaz had spoken so gently, had been so kind, and-_

_And as soon as he could walk he’d tried to steal a ship to go back for Shiro, or maybe to go back to Sendak. He wasn’t sure, all he’d known was that he had to go back-_

_But Ulaz had been there to stop him, to hold him down. And maybe that was what he needed, then- to be taken, to be held. And it didn’t matter what he needed, wanted, all that mattered was that Ulaz was_ there _._

_He’d gone to Ulaz’s rooms when he could, he’d waited outside for so many agonizing minutes before he’d had the courage to knock. But once he did the door was open and Ulaz was inviting him inside and he’d said-_

_“Fuck me, please.”_

_“I don’t think that’s wise, kit,” Ulaz said, looking down at him softly._

_“I don’t care what’s wise,” Lotor snarled, pushing Ulaz back, down to the sheets of his bed. “Do you want me or don’t you?”_

_“Wait, kit- think about this,” Ulaz said, but his eyes were dark with desire and Lotor didn’t want to wait._

_“The last one to touch me was Sendak,” Lotor said and Ulaz understood, he took Lotor in his arms and bit at his neck, let his hands wander as Lotor gasped against him, pressed into his heat._

_“Harder,” Lotor forced out._

_“Yes, kit,” Ulaz said, and bit down hard enough that Lotor wanted to scream and jerk away. He didn’t, he pressed closer instead._

_“How do you want it? How do you need it?”_

_“Hard, and rough, and-” Lotor gasped as Ulaz flipped them over, practically ripping Lotor’s clothes off._

_“Tell me if you want to stop,” he said, even as he shoved his not quite slick enough fingers inside._

_It burned and Lotor gasped for breath, but- but it was good, and Sendak had never been this rough, this reckless-_

_“Hit me,” he growled, and Ulaz slapped him over the face and his ears were ringing, and his mind was silent and-_

_“Hit me again,” he said._

_He didn’t struggle when Ulaz forced him to his hands and knees, settled back behind him. Ulaz slapped his ass,_ hard _, and all Lotor could do was whimper and clutch at the sheets, pressing back against him._

_Ulaz paused and Lotor growled restlessly. “Do it,” he hissed, “come on.”_

_Finally Ulaz pressed forward, pushed inside before Lotor was quite ready, and the pain was reassuring, grounding. Ulaz started to thrust and it hurt more than it felt good but for some reason it was the best thing in the world, and then Ulaz yanked his hair and slapped him again and Lotor cried out with something that was both pain and pleasure._

_“Is that it?” Ulaz asked. “That’s what you want?”_

_“Yes,” Lotor sobbed, feeling like something was being shaken loose within him. He’d built walls inside, so high and strong, built of concrete and steel, and they were falling slowly, crumbling to nothing before his eyes. And behind those walls- a small black box. It was standing open now,_ leaking _everywhere, something like gasoline, something like blood._

_“Yes,” Lotor gasped, trembling all over as Ulaz sped up. He desperately needed what was inside that box but it was smashed beyond recognition, spoiled- and it was gone now. It was gone._

_Ulaz slapped him, yanked on his hair, and for now the pain was enough, enough to keep him going, standing, living._

_He didn’t come._

_“Do you want me to-” Ulaz asked after, looking at him with concern as Lotor stood on shaky legs, slowly getting dressed._

_“No,” he said, thinking of Shiro’s beautiful gray eyes, wide with fear, thinking of his own blood speckling Shiro’s face. “No, this was enough.”_

 

* * *

 

“Do you want to hang out today?” Shiro asked when Lotor slowly opened his eyes. “I could blow off training, we could- we could just lie around all day. I could read you fairytales, give you more ideas for crazy maneuvers that no one else has ever pulled off.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” Lotor said slowly, and when he moved to sit up Shiro wrapped his fingers around his wrist.

“Please,” he said quietly. “Please- I’m scared. You’re scaring me.”

Lotor’s heart seized up in his chest at the way Shiro was looking at him, devastated and terrified, like Lotor was holding a bomb and the timer was counting down.

“Well, let me piss first, at least,” he managed with a small smile.

“Ok,” Shiro said, and something in his expression eased.

“I’ll be right back,” Lotor said before standing.

He spent a long time in the bathroom, longer than he needed to- lingering over washing his hands, brushing his hair. He wasn’t sure what he was so afraid of. Shiro had had so many chances to reject him by now, turn him away, but he was still here anyway, waiting for him, wanting him.

“I think I found a story you’ll like,” Shiro said with a hopeful smile when Lotor walked back into the main room.

“Oh?” he asked. He didn’t care about the story at all, he just wanted to wipe that devastated look off Shiro’s face, and if all he had to do was lie still and pretend to be fine, he’d do it in a heartbeat.

He crawled back into bed, wrapping his arm around Shiro’s waist as he pressed his face against his hip. Shiro was so warm against him, so welcoming as he dropped his left hand to card through Lotor’s hair.

“Ok,” he said quietly, “so there was this Altean prince-”

He kept talking and Lotor couldn’t help being soothed by his voice, by his hand in his hair. He hadn’t meant to listen, he’d meant to just- space out, doze off- but he couldn’t help it. And as the story went on he found himself _laughing_ , nudging Shiro playfully in the side.

“That’s the origin story of _Superman_ , you dork,” he said halfway through Shiro’s tale.

“Is it?” Shiro asked innocently, running his fingertips gently down Lotor’s side. “I didn’t realize.”

“You did too,” Lotor said. “Are Alteans just hacks or was this all you?”

“What would be funnier?” Shiro asked as he slid down to lay beside him, brushing his fingers through Lotor’s hair.

Lotor pushed forward to press a chaste kiss to his lips, only to pull away fearfully. But Shiro didn’t look disgusted, he looked flushed, besotted, wanting more. Shiro didn’t try to kiss him again though, just looked at him as he brushed his fingertips so gently over Lotor’s lips, his face.

“What did I do to deserve you?” Lotor whispered.

Shiro smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners. “You climbed into bed with me, that first night. And you wrapped your arms around me. Do you remember?”

“Of course I do,” Lotor said.

“That was when I knew we’d be together forever. I know exactly what I did to deserve you- I punched that asshole Tommy right in his stupid mouth. I’d do it again in an instant.”

“Wow, you really know how to hold a grudge, huh?” Lotor said. “What if he’s bigger than you now?”

“Nah,” Shiro said. “I meant like- if he was magically still a kid, and I was myself. I’d totally punch him again.”

“No,” Lotor said, smiling despite himself, “come on, you wouldn’t.”

“You think I wouldn’t punch a child for you?” Shiro asked with a laugh. “Think again, space knight.”

 

* * *

 

Kolivan benched him for a while and maybe that was for the best, but it was strange to have Shiro going off on missions without him. He didn’t attend the meetings either, although he had a feeling no one would have stopped him.

It was humiliating, what he’d done, how he’d lost it back in the Castle, and he couldn’t quite bring himself to face the others again just yet. In his head he knew they didn’t blame him, that they’d want to see him. But there was a disconnect somewhere between his head and his heart and all he felt was shame until it threatened to drown him.

If he’d been attending the meetings he wouldn’t have been so surprised when the proximity alarm went off, announcing the arrival of a ship- the Castle of Lions. He joined Shiro and the others in the hangar and they all seemed so happy to see him that he felt guilty all over again for hiding like a coward.

“I don’t like this,” Antok growled, crossing his arms as they waited for the Black Lion to leave the Castle and approach the base. “I don’t like the idea of working with them.”

“I still say we can do the plan without them,” Ulaz said. “We don’t need them to liberate Slav or get the Scaultrite. We hacked and downloaded their ship’s database, we have the schematics for their Teleduv. We can build our own without them, and we know our kit can operate it. Why involve them at all?”

“That’s enough,” Kolivan said. “It’s too risky to do it without Voltron, so I won’t be hearing any more complaints.”

“Yes, Leader,” Antok and Ulaz said, clearly still unhappy about the situation.

Soon the Black Lion was docked and its Paladin, Princess Allura, was stepping out, accompanied by the cadet Shiro liked, Keith. While Shiro and Keith greeted each other enthusiastically, Lotor couldn’t help staring at the Princess.

She was the first Altean he’d ever seen, and he felt drawn to her and repelled by her at the same time. He wanted desperately to know something of himself, his origins. All he knew about Altea was fairytales and genocide, and now that he’d awakened some sort of dormant magic inside himself he wanted to learn more, to learn everything. But she was the leader of the Paladins, she was older and wiser than them, though probably not by much. If anyone had made the decision to do that to Sendak, lock him in a pod, torture and drain him, it must have been her.

The way she looked at him mirrored his own feelings, her eyes full of longing and disgust, and finally she looked away to nod tersely at Kolivan.

“There’s something we wanted to… take care of, before we get down to planning,” she said. “Keith?”

“Yeah,” he said, standing back from Shiro and looking at Kolivan. “Yeah, I- I had a question. About- this.” He pulled out a dagger, and Lotor could see even before the young man unwrapped the hilt that it was a Luxite blade.

“Where did you get that?” Kolivan asked sharply. He was angry and Lotor had no idea why.

“I didn’t steal it, if that’s what you’re asking,” Keith said, glaring. “I’ve always had it, my entire life.”

“If you want answers, then you must go through the Trials of Marmora,” Kolivan said. Lotor’s heart sank. It had been a blessing that Shiro hadn’t had to do it, didn’t know what it entailed. But he’d know now, and he’d have questions, and Lotor would have to answer them.

“Wait a minute,” Shiro said. “I thought you said a human couldn’t go through the Trials.”

“No human should,” Kolivan said. “But if he wants to know, there’s no other way.”

“Fine,” Keith bit out. “I’ll do it.”

“Wait, Keith,” Princess Allura said. “You don’t even know what it entails. Maybe you should just stop, think a moment. You don’t have to do it right away-”

“I’m doing it,” Keith said. “I have to.”

“Very well,” Kolivan said. “But you should know- you will either succeed or you will die.”

“Wait a minute-” Shiro said in alarm.

“Fine,” Keith said.

“Antok,” Kolivan ordered. “Prepare him. We’ll begin at once.”

“Yes, Leader,” Antok said before leading Keith away.

 

* * *

 

The first challenger was Antok. He was big and strong and skilled, and he beat Keith into submission quickly enough before stepping back and letting him pass.

The next two challengers were Ulaz and Regris, to give Antok a bit of a break. Afterwards it was the three of them, and on the next round it was four, and Shiro’s eyes widened.

“Who is that?” he asked, “what-”

“Holograms,” Lotor said quietly. “At this point it doesn’t matter. He’s outmatched and outgunned, he has been from the beginning. The holograms are just there to… add to the effect. The hopelessness of it all.”

“This is sick,” Allura breathed out. “Get him out of there!”

“He chose to go through this,” Kolivan said firmly. “It’s not your choice to stop it.”

“So when does it end?” Shiro asked.

“It ends with knowledge or death, cub,” Kolivan said and Shiro shrank back, afraid and wild-eyed.

“Shiro,” Lotor said, taking his arm. “You can’t stop it now. I’m sorry.”

Shiro trembled as he looked away, but then he set his jaw and looked back at the screen.

They watched for hours as Keith got through wave after wave, was defeated each time and yet still struggled to his feet at the end of it, still walked through the door.

“Please,” Shiro whispered, “please- get him out. He’s had enough.”

“That is for him to decide,” Kolivan said.

At least another hour passed before Keith slipped through the panel in the floor to the facility underneath, and they watched as he walked down the path, shivering and hurting, looking around fearfully.

“There,” Kolivan said, and there was a man standing before Keith now, a man Lotor didn’t recognize. His father, maybe. Lotor’s ears were ringing too loudly to hear what was happening, all he heard was Shiro’s question and Kolivan’s explanation-

“His suit has the ability to create a virtual mindscape, reflecting its wearer’s greatest hopes and fears.”

Shiro looked up at him consideringly then and Lotor knew he wanted to ask, wanted to ask who Lotor had seen when he’d gone through the trials. He met Shiro’s gaze, afraid and angry, _daring_ him to say the words, demand answers.

Shiro licked his lips and looked away and that was just as well. Neither of them wanted to hear what Lotor had to say.

And then Keith’s trial was over and Shiro was rushing in to take him in his arms.

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

 

* * *

 

Shiro paced restlessly at the foot of Keith’s bed, shaking as fear and adrenaline drained out of him and left him feeling weak. Lotor was sitting in a chair in the corner, following him with his eyes.

“He’s going to be alright, he just needs to rest,” he said quietly.

“Yeah,” Shiro managed and kept going, running his hands through his hair. He didn’t know what he was feeling, it was like a bomb had gone off inside him and left him scattered. He was already run ragged by the shock of learning Keith and the cadets were here, by the way Lotor had reacted to seeing Sendak. He was already only barely keeping it together as he tried to drag Lotor out of whatever dark place he was in-

And now this, _Keith_. Half-Galra and devastated about it, sleeping in a medbay bed to recover from the Trials. It had been torture to watch him go through that, watch his _packmates_ do that to his- he wasn’t sure what Keith was. A friend, definitely, but maybe more- maybe a brother. And the trials, the suit, the implication of it all- Lotor had been through it too. Who had he seen, trying to tempt him to failure? Had it been Shiro, or had it been Sendak, Ulaz, someone else- what exactly was Lotor’s greatest desire?

Shiro ran his hands through his hair with a sharp sigh. He felt small and petty for even thinking about it, _doubting._ Lotor loved him, he knew he did. That should have been enough. Was he really so selfish and pathetic that he was feeling… _jealous_? Of _Sendak?_ It was sick, Shiro was sick to even- Lotor had been through hell and he needed to support him, but why was everything so difficult?

“Shiro, please,” Lotor said and Shiro stopped, looking over at him.

“Maybe you should go get some sleep,” Shiro said. “I don’t mind staying here on my own.”

Lotor shook his head and raised his hand, reaching for him. Shiro couldn’t help but stare. All this time he felt like he’d been chasing Lotor, trying to catch him and pin him down, but now he was here and calling out to him instead. Shiro stepped closer and dropped to his knees in front of him, resting his head on Lotor’s thigh. Lotor’s hands fell heavy and warm over his shoulders and head, his fingers carding slowly through his hair. Shiro shuddered and closed his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Lotor said quietly. “I’ve been- I haven’t been there for you, like you were there for me. I’m trying, but it’s so hard. There’s so much… there’s just so much.”

“Yeah,” Shiro said. “It’s… it’s a lot.” He laughed weakly. “You know, this isn’t what I imagined when I thought about going into space with you.”

“What, you weren’t expecting all the torture and aliens?” Lotor asked flatly.

“Definitely less,” Shiro said. “Not no torture and aliens, obviously. Just… less.”

“Yeah,” Lotor breathed out shakily and it sounded almost like a laugh. “Hey, come up, come here.” He pulled Shiro to his feet and led him over to one of the empty medbay beds. “You should get some rest,” he said, sitting on it and patting the empty spot beside him. “I’ll stay up and keep and eye on him, I’ll wake you if anything changes.”

“Ok,” Shiro said as he lay down and pushed his face up against Lotor’s hip. He couldn’t help relaxing as Lotor carded his fingers through his hair soothingly. “I’m sorry too,” Shiro said, his eyes sinking closed.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry about,” Lotor said firmly. “So don’t- don’t apologize to me, for anything.”

 

* * *

 

The next few weeks passed in a whirlwind of planning and Shiro could hardly catch his breath. The plan was insane- ridiculous. There were so many moving parts and if any one of them went wrong all of it was doomed to failure.

Slowly everything fell into place. The Paladins retrieved a supply of Scaultrite, Shiro and Lotor rescued a strange little alien named Slav from a Galra prison. Kolivan and Ulaz worked to get in touch with the operatives they had stationed at Central Command to prepare them for extraction. There was so much to do and no time to rest, but the bright spot in all of it was the way Lotor lit up when the Princess and their Olkari allies asked him to help construct the giant Teleduv. He came back to their room every night with some new story- about engineering, Altea, some silly thing that had happened that day.

Shiro was assigned to helping Slav, the task hilarious and infuriating by turns. The alien was so ridiculous that Shiro found himself relaxing a little. It was so hard to be nervous about the upcoming battle when the small mole-like eight-armed creature was babbling at him about probabilities and alternate dimensions and demanding he go change his socks straight away.

Time seemed to stretch like a rubber band, and then it snapped and suddenly everything was ready. The Blades would go in first on a stealth mission, extracting operatives and freeing as many prisoners as they could. Lotor and Shiro were given the task of planting the virus, and once they laid down the groundwork, Voltron and their allies would come down like a sledgehammer on Zarkon’s fleet, forcing them into a Teleduv portal that would drop them right into the heart of the nearest star.

The precision of it all was daunting, the timing had to be perfect or else everything would fall apart. But the potential reward- cutting the head off the Empire in one decisive move- was worth the risk. If they succeeded they could end the war once and for all, they could finally be safe.

“For luck,” Lotor told him in the hangar of the Marmora Base, kissing him before activating his mask.

“Who needs luck,” Shiro said with a smile before activating his own mask and climbing up into the cockpit of their ship. He was nervous as he input the coordinates into the navigation panel, but as soon as his hands were on the flight controls he felt calm steal over him. This was it.

The cloaked Blade ships flew in careful formation, spreading out as they approached Central Command. Lotor was quiet in the co-pilot’s seat, monitoring the scanners intently and occasionally telling Shiro to adjust course or re-modulating their cloaking frequency to avoid detection.

 _“Steady,”_ Kolivan’s quiet voice came over the comms. _“Antok and I are in place.”_

 _“Regris and I are in place,”_ Ulaz said. _“Moving in now to extract Thace.”_

“Shiro and I are in place,” Lotor said quietly as Shiro docked their ship against Zarkon’s Command Ship. He was careful and slow, touching down like a whisper.

 _“Good,”_ Kolivan said. _“Hold until my mark-”_

They waited, giving Ulaz and Regris a two and a half minute head-start, and then Kolivan was ordering them onwards and they slipped out into the Galra cruiser. Shiro shivered as they crept through vaguely familiar corridors, quiet and empty, dark but for the ever-present ominous purple lighting. They’d timed their assault for the middle of the night shift, when the night cycle guards would be feeling bored and starting to drop their guard.

But sentries stalked the halls even while most of the crew was asleep, and even though Thace had sent ahead their patrol patterns, the stress of having to avoid them kept Shiro and Lotor on their toes as they made their way down to the main communications hub. They got periodic updates from the rest of the pack- Ulaz and Regris had made contact with Thace and were moving down to the cells. Kolivan and Antok had infiltrated the ship too, and were getting in place to ambush the prison guards as soon as the virus was uploaded.

They were nearly at the hub when they heard mechanical footsteps clanking towards them. Lotor hissed out a quiet curse as they hid behind a bulkhead. “There’s not supposed to be a patrol here.”

“They must have changed the pattern,” Shiro whispered back. There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. The corridor was straight with no doors or chambers leading out, and even if there had been- walking into some unknown room was potentially even more dangerous than just staying put. “We’ll have to take them out,” Shiro said. “Steady-”

They waited as the sentries came closer, and as soon as they came into view Shiro grabbed the nearest one, ripping through its face plate with his Galra hand as Lotor hurled his dagger at the second. It was over within moments and Shiro and Lotor dragged the sparking remains of the sentries against the wall, hiding them from view as best they could.

 _“Are you compromised?”_ Kolivan asked as Shiro and Lotor shared a glance.

“I think we destroyed the sentries before they could send up an alarm, but someone’s bound to notice soon,” Lotor said.

 _“Alright,”_ Kolivan said. _“We keep going, but the time table has just moved up. You have thirty ticks before we breach the holding area.”_

“Got it,” Shiro said, and then he took Lotor’s hand and they _ran_. It took them twelve seconds to make it into the communications room and Lotor didn’t waste any time plugging in the small device that held the virus, typing quickly to spread it through the ship’s systems while Shiro kept watch.

“Done,” Lotor said, just as their time ran out.

 _“Breaching now,”_ Kolivan said. _“Get back to your ship, get out of here.”_

“Yes, Leader,” they said in unison and turned to go. The virus would take a few minutes to go into full effect, and while the initial plan had been to stay put as it infiltrated the system in case anything went wrong, that was well and truly shot to hell now.

An alarm rang out through the ship- Kolivan and the others had started their assault. There was no point in stealth anymore so Shiro and Lotor focused on speed instead, rushing back to where their ship was docked. The halls were quickly filling up with sentries and soldiers, and Shiro and Lotor ripped through anyone standing in their way.

Shiro’s heart was pounding loudly in his chest as they ran, the urgency of it all pushing out all the fear. Lotor was breathtaking beside him, brutal and elegant as he wielded his Luxite sword like it was a part of him. Shiro’s own energy blade seemed clumsy in comparison but he held his own, and something about it all, the fight, the adrenaline, was exhilarating.

The overhead lighting flickered ominously; the virus was taking affect.

“We’re running out of time,” Lotor gasped out, “we have to get to the ship before-”

But it was too late.

Everything went dark around them and it was only Shiro’s glowing hand and the accents on their armor that lit their way. They reached a door but it refused to open, the power was completely down.

“Fuck!” Lotor cried out, slamming his hand against it. “Fuck- we’re trapped.”

“Get out of the way,” Shiro said, stepping forward. He had no idea if this would work but he had to try. He let his blade dissipate and drove the fingers of his glowing hand into the metal of the door, gritting his teeth as he put all of his unnatural strength into grabbing hold and _yanking_ it open. There was a terrible groaning sound as the metal bent out of shape and he pulled harder with a yell, shutting his eyes against the strain of his protesting muscles.

And then the rip in the metal was wide enough and Lotor was slipping through, Shiro following close behind.

They paused, breathing hard as they looked around.

“Shit, are we lost?” Shiro asked. “I don’t remember coming through here-”

They were in a large dark chamber, the floor of which was a clear window out into space. Lotor pulled something up on his gauntlet, checking to see where they were in relation to the ship.

“No, it’s fine- we’re close. We just have to-”

Purple lightning arced out of nowhere and they sprang apart to avoid it. Shiro grunted as he fell to his knees and rolled before rising, looking around fitfully. A robed figure stepped out of the shadows and Shiro’s heart seized up in his chest, cold terror rising like a wave inside him.

Haggar.

Shiro was frozen but Lotor was up and running, slashing at her with his sword as she disappeared with a cruel laugh that echoed through the dark chamber.

“Where did she go?” Lotor asked, panting.

The sound of his voice was enough to make some of the fear thaw and Shiro took a deep shuddering breath. “I- I don’t know-”

“We should run,” Lotor bit out and strode over to take Shiro by the arm.

“Leaving again so soon?”

Her voice came from everywhere at once and Shiro flinched, fighting back the tide of flashbacks and pain that filled him like a million bees buzzing inside him, crawling under his skin. His vision swam in and out as he was momentarily confused by the past and present. His arm burned, he felt woozy-

“ _Shiro_ ,” Lotor said, and then she was right in front of him and Shiro couldn’t look away. She reached for his face, her glowing yellow eyes bright in the darkness, her fingers wickedly clawed, deadly.

Shiro gasped as Lotor tightened his hold over his arm and yanked him back, stepping between him and Haggar protectively. He slashed at her with his blade only for her to disappear again, but then she was back and there were _dozens_ of her, surrounding them, laughing at them.

“I wasn’t finished with you,” she said, and Shiro knew she was talking to him. “You could have been something great, the Empire’s greatest weapon. Once I take you back I can complete my work, you can reach your full potential.”

“Shut up,” Lotor hissed, glancing around nervously as he tried to figure out which one of the images was real. He was still holding Shiro tight, the grip strong enough to bruise, and Shiro focused on it as he fought to stay in the present. He took a deep breath, and then another, but it was too much, all he could think about was pain and fear.

Haggar laughed as lighting began to crackle over her fingers and the purple glow grew steadily brighter as her doubles surrounded them and started to advance.

“Come back to me, and I’ll let the other one go,” she said, almost sweetly. “Keep fighting, and I’ll kill him first and take you anyway.”

Lotor made a strange sound like a gasp but somehow infinitely pained, and then he was raising his sword with a yell and his hand and blade was crackling with lightning too- blue and pure, clean in a way her magic wasn’t. He slammed his sword into the ground and there was an explosion of lightning, a glittering cage that surrounded them for a moment before blasting outwards, ripping through all the copies of Haggar and burning them away until there was only one left.

She staggered back, her robes smoking faintly. Lotor swayed on his feet and Shiro watched in horror as she moved forward impossibly fast, grabbing Lotor by the face. Her hood fell back, revealing ragged white hair and red marks over her face- almost like Altean marks, like the marks Lotor had-

She froze, staring at Lotor like she could see past his mask, and then she whispered something, two words that Shiro couldn’t quite make out.

Lotor jerked and screamed in her grasp and finally, _finally_ \- Shiro could move again. He bared his teeth in a snarl as he surged forward. She saw him coming and shoved Lotor away, turning to face Shiro-

But it was too late, he was already on her and plunging his glowing hand through her chest. Her eyes widened in shock and she made a strange wet sound. She lashed out, gouging him in the side with her claws, but he could barely feel it through the rush of adrenaline and vicious satisfaction at seeing the glow fade from her eyes. He let her fall to the ground and staggered back, and then the agony hit him all at once.

It hurt too bad to scream and Shiro’s knees buckled under him, but Lotor was there to catch him, sliding under his shoulder and wrapping an arm around his ribs to get him up.

“Fuck, are you- are you alright?”

“What did she say to you?” Shiro gritted out. Suddenly it was all he could think about, it was that or thinking about the pain and if he did that he’d probably pass out.

“It doesn’t matter,” Lotor said, already starting to drag him away. “We have to go.”

The ship shook around them and Shiro looked down, through the clear floor. His vision was going blurry and dark at the edges but he could still make out the unmistakable form of the Red Lion hurtle past. Voltron had started the main assault.

“I don’t think you can rip through any more doors right now, huh,” Lotor said, trying for a joking tone but his voice sounded strained, he sounded terrified.

“I can barely keep my insides on the inside right now,” Shiro said with a weak laugh, pushing his hand over the burning wound in his side. The nanofibers of his Blade of Marmora undersuit were trying to stitch back together, but the hole was too big.

“Ok,” Lotor said. “Ok. You ready to do something crazy and reckless?”

“Always,” Shiro managed as Lotor stepped forward, unbuckling his belt before using it to tie the two of them together.

“Hold on tight,” he said and Shiro wrapped his free arm around him as Lotor pulled a small explosive device out of his pocket and tossed it a short distance away, angling his body so he was standing between Shiro and the impending blast.

“Jesus, so you meant more reckless than usual, huh,” Shiro said, and Lotor laughed breathlessly, holding him tight. Shiro buried his face against Lotor’s neck, trembling with pain and fear as they waited.

He felt the explosion before he heard it, and then the floor of the chamber was shattering and they were sucked out into space. Shiro must have passed out for a moment because the next thing he knew they were floating outside in a cloud of sparkling debris and there was chaos around them- fire and laser blasts, Galra fighters screaming past trailing smoke and leaking plasma. He could just make out the Castle Ship above them and the arcing blue lightning of a portal forming as the Teleduv powered up.

Lotor tightened his arms around Shiro and activated his thrusters and they were moving, slipping past enemy and friendly ships alike, too small of a target to make it on anyone’s radar. Lotor took them back to their ship as Shiro fought to stay awake, his head pounding and his whole body full of fire and pain.

Once they were in their hold Lotor laid him out on the cot before turning his attention to the wound again. His hands were glowing blue as he pressed them to Shiro’s side. Shiro gasped, his whole body spasming with it, with warm energy pulsing through him and the feeling of Lotor so close, like his mind was brushing against Shiro’s own. As the pain eased, some measure of clarity returned and Shiro roughly shoved him away.

“What are you-” Lotor bit out.

“There’s no time,” Shiro managed. “We have to go- the portal’s open, they’re already coming. We have to get out of here before we’re sucked in with the rest of them.”

“I’m not losing you,” Lotor said vehemently. “Not now, not after everything-”

“I’ll be fine,” Shiro said. “Get us out of here!”

Lotor paused, staring, but Shiro pushed him again.

“Lotor!” he cried out. “Go!”

Lotor gasped and turned away, running for the pilot’s seat and starting the engines.

Shiro closed his eyes as the pain returned, worse than before now that he had nothing to distract himself with. He gripped the edge of the cot as he felt the ship moving, fighting to stay awake, to breathe. Their ship shook as they took a heavy hit, but there was nothing he could do now except hope for the best and put his faith in Lotor.

He laughed weakly as he caught the train of his own thoughts. They’d be fine, as long as they were together. No matter what happened now, they’d be fine.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're in the homestretch now! Next update on Monday :)


	9. Chapter 9

 

* * *

 

 

The first thing Shiro felt was the heat, dry but cloying. The second thing was the pain, dull now as it radiated out from his side and through the rest of his body. The third was a rough rasping drag against his cheek, and the strangeness of it had him struggling to open his eyes at last.

He wasn’t quite sure what he was looking at. He was lying on a blanket in the sand in the shade of what seemed to be their ship. It was tilted oddly over on its side, the wing of it creating something like a lean-to shelter where it was buried partially in the sand. And the strange rasping was… a cat, licking his face.

Shiro swallowed nervously as he stared at it in confusion. It was almost entirely black, angular and sharp with long tufts of bright blue fur on its ears and something almost like an orange mohawk on its head. But it was definitely a cat. A space cat. It stared at him for a long moment before backing off and yowling.

“What is it, buddy?” he heard Lotor’s voice floating down from somewhere above, and then he was dropping to the ground. He wasn’t wearing his armor and his flightsuit was open and hanging down around his waist, leaving him in a black tanktop. His shoulders and face were red like he was sunburned, and his white hair was pulled back into a messy bun. He was streaked with grease all over, including a particularly large smear over his cheek. “Shiro! You’re awake.”

“Hey,” Shiro croaked out, his throat scratchy and dry. He winced and Lotor crouched down next to him, bringing a flask of water up to his lips. It was unpleasantly warm but heavenly all the same. “Where did you get a cat?”

Lotor laughed as he moved to pull up Shiro’s tattered shirt, running his hands gently over the bandage around his middle. Shiro thought maybe his fingers were glowing again, but it was too bright out to tell for sure. “No clue. He was in the ship when we crashed, he must have snuck on board at some point.”

“Only you would end up with a souvenir cat after an epic space battle,” Shiro said with a smile.

“I guess he has good taste in companions. Don’t you, Mittens?”

The cat hissed and turned to walk away haughtily.

“I don’t think he likes that name,” Shiro said.

“He doesn’t like anything,” Lotor said, prodding gently at the spot where Haggar had slashed him. It didn’t hurt anymore, all that was left was a dull ache. “How do you feel?”

“I’m feeling pretty lucky that my boyfriend is a space wizard. What happened? How long have we been here?”

“We caught some heat on the way out of Central Command,” Lotor said, pulling away at last, clearly satisfied with whatever he’d found during his investigation of Shiro’s side. He pulled his shirt back down carefully before smoothing his hands down Shiro’s chest. “From what I could tell though, I think the plan worked- they sent Zarkon’s ship through the portal but I don’t know much beyond that. It’s been maybe three days since we crashed here. Comms are down, I think they’ve been down ever since we fought Haggar.”

“You’ve been trying to repair the ship?”

Lotor laughed. “Just because I can shoot lightning out of my hands doesn’t mean I’m a miracle worker. The ship is totalled, I’ve been salvaging the parts that are still operational. I’ve seen lights at night though, over the hills,” he pointed vaguely but Shiro didn’t bother looking, the only thing he wanted to look at was Lotor.

“I think there’s some kind of settlement over there,” Lotor continued. “Once you’re feeling stronger we can hike over, maybe sell the parts and try and figure out what to do next. I doubt we’ll make enough GAC to buy another ship, but we can probably get some food and a decent room somewhere. Maybe even a bath.”

“Wow,” Shiro said, closing his eyes as he imagined it. “That would be pretty amazing.”

“Here,” Lotor said, pushing something into his hands. “You should eat something.”

“Thanks,” Shiro said, unwrapping the ration bar and taking a small bite. It was hard and tasteless but suddenly he was ravenous and he finished the whole thing in a matter of moments, only to have Lotor smile and hand him another.

“I’m not feeling too bad, really,” Shiro said. “I can help you with the ship, or-”

“Nah,” Lotor said, dropping his hand down to brush the sweaty hair back from Shiro’s forehead. “You look pretty comfortable. Just lie there all sexy for me.”

“Oh good, because I’ve never felt sexier,” Shiro said with a smile.

“I’m almost finished, anyway,” Lotor said, bringing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them, resting his chin on his hands. A faint breeze rose, ruffling his hair, and Shiro closed his eyes with a sigh.

He drifted off for a while, and when he woke it was dark and Lotor was shaking his shoulder gently.

“Hey, feel up to walking?” he asked.

“Sure,” Shiro said and got to his feet. He was dizzy but Lotor steadied him and after a few moments he felt better. And then Lotor leaned in to kiss him and suddenly everything was wonderful.

“You taste like something died in your mouth,” Lotor said with a laugh once he’d pulled away.

“Rude,” Shiro said, poking him in the side. “As if you taste like flowers and chocolate.”

Lotor ducked his head to hide his smile and squeezed Shiro’s hand before straightening and squinting off into the distance. “I think it’s maybe two or three hours walk. Think you can manage that?”

“As long as you’re with me I can manage anything.”

“Dork,” Lotor said.

“Nerd.”

“Come on Muffin,” Lotor called out and it took Shiro a second to realize he was talking to the cat. There was a hiss out of the darkness and Shiro laughed again. Lotor slung a pack over his back and took his hand, leading him out from under the ship towards the lights in the distance.

“He’s a Galra cat, so maybe something a little more vicious would fit him better,” Shiro said as they walked. The night was pleasantly cool and there was a faint breeze blowing through the desert. The stars were winking down on them, bright and somehow friendly, and despite the fact that they were shipwrecked on an unknown planet, he felt more at peace now than he’d felt in a long time.

“What about- Ripper,” Shiro suggested, only to have the cat hiss again. “Killer? Starlord. Deathstar. Oh- Darth Vader!”

“He’s more of a Snowball,” Lotor countered.

“Snowball?” Shiro asked incredulously. “Maybe, like- Charcoal.”

“Pumpkin.”

“Rocky.”

“How about Tigger, because he’s orange?”

“Maybe Mohawk, that’s the only orange thing about him,” Shiro said.

The cat was stoically ignoring them by then but they kept going for a while anyway. There wasn’t much else to do as they trudged through the sand, and it was better than talking about anything else.

“How about Koko,” Lotor said at last, and the cat meowed quietly.

“I think he likes that one,” Shiro said in surprise.

“Koko,” Lotor said again, pausing to look down at their little shadow. “Koko?”

The cat looked up at him expectantly and Lotor grinned, crouching down. “Want a ride, Koko?” he asked, opening his arms. The cat stepped forward carefully and Lotor picked it up, settling it over his shoulders. It curled up and started purring, and the grin that stole over Lotor’s face was so joyful it was nearly blinding.

“Wow,” Shiro said. “You have a space cat now. My space wizard boyfriend has a space cat. This is everything you’ve ever wanted isn’t it.”

“Living the dream,” Lotor said, taking Shiro’s hand again. “Haven’t showered in four days or had any real food in at least a month, but at least I have a cat now.”

“And me,” Shiro said, squeezing his hand.

“Yeah,” Lotor breathed out. “And you.”

Shiro blushed at the tone of his voice, besotted and warm, soft.

They didn’t talk much after that, focusing on putting one foot in front of the other. They didn’t exactly have a reliable way of telling time, but it felt like at least two hours passed before the ground grew rocky and uneven, and then they were in the hills and the lights were steadily growing closer.

They took a break for a little while, eating rations bars and drinking water, and then they were up again and walking. Sooner than Shiro expected they found themselves standing on a hill overlooking a small town. There was a marketplace in the center lit by multi-colored lanterns, surrounded by a few rows of squat buildings. Music and laughter wafted up to them, along with the smells of flowers and roasted meat, sweets and engine grease.

“Ready?” Lotor asked, his eyes glittering.

Shiro was a little nervous- if they turned out to be unwelcome neither of them was in any condition to put up much of a fight. But from what he could see there were lots of different kinds of aliens down there, and none of them Galra. It was some sort of trading outpost, and they would probably be able to blend in.

“Ready,” he said and squeezed Lotor’s hand. They wrapped blankets around their shoulders as makeshift shawls to hide the Galra markings on their armor before heading down.

Shiro wasn’t sure if they were walking into some sort of festival or if the settlement was simply like this all the time. A band of musicians played in the middle of the market, lightening the mood as they painstakingly went by all the tech stalls, trying to sell off the parts Lotor had salvaged. It was slow going. Everyone wanted to haggle and chat them up, asking about news and where they’d come from. At least half a dozen merchants insisted on touching Shiro’s white tuft of hair and four tried to buy the cat to Lotor’s great annoyance.

Eventually Lotor’s pack was empty and they had a few thousand GAC in their pockets. Shiro felt his heart lightening as they wandered the market just for fun now, looking through all the strange alien goods in the various stalls, daring each other to try the weirdest food they could find. Shiro almost threw up after biting into something that looked like a fuzzy tomato only to find it full of salty gelatinous globes like fish eggs. Lotor pretended to enjoy a roasted tentacle on a stick and then nearly fell over laughing when he finally convinced Shiro to try it and it turned out to taste like feet.

Eventually they found something like juicy meatballs wrapped in crispy golden dough and gorged themselves while sitting on the ground with their backs against a wall, watching children dancing and laughing around the musicians.

“Pretty good date, all things considered,” Lotor said, taking Shiro’s arm and leaning against his side.

Shiro laughed in surprise. “So this is a date, huh? In that case we should find some dessert.”

“I don’t know if I’m adventurous enough for all that,” Lotor said. “How about we find a bed and a bath, and save dessert for tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” Shiro said, pressing a kiss to his temple. “Let’s go.”

They asked around until they found an inn and got a room overlooking the market. It was small but clean, and the bed was plenty big enough. Koko curled up in a chair in the corner while Shiro and Lotor went downstairs to the public baths, thankfully empty at this time of night. They rushed through washing, neither of them particularly excited by the concept of strangers walking in on them, and before long they were back in their private room and barricading the door with a large chest of drawers- just in case.

Shiro sighed as he sank to the bed. The mattress was soft, the sheets were crisp and fresh. He was full and clean and their plan had worked, and best of all- Lotor was getting on the bed beside him and setting a hand over his face, pulling him into a deep kiss.

His eyes fluttered closed as he wrapped his arms around Lotor’s back and waist, not pulling him closer so much as just holding him as he let him do whatever he wanted, enjoying the feeling of Lotor’s damp hair running through his fingers. Shiro had no idea what to expect, how far this would go- but that didn’t matter. There was no urgency, no rush. They had all the time in the world now.

Lotor deepened the kiss and Shiro met him there. Lotor pushed him over to his back and he went easily. Music from the market wafted in through the window on the cool breeze, and Koko was sleeping soundly in the corner making quiet snuffling sounds with each breath, and they were safe and together and Shiro’s heart was singing with it.

“Shiro,” Lotor whispered quietly with such longing in his voice that Shiro had to pull back and look at him.

“I’m here,” he whispered back, stroking Lotor’s cheek gently.

“I know,” Lotor said and smiled, and it was open and sincere and breathtaking. “I’m here too.”

“I’d hope so, or else this is a very nice hallucination.”

Lotor laughed. “You know what I mean.”

“I know,” Shiro said. “I love you too.”

Lotor bent to kiss him again and it was hotter this time, slick and firm but no less languid. Shiro ran his hands down Lotor’s back and through his hair, and when Lotor moaned they both shivered. Before he quite knew what he was doing his hands were under Lotor’s shirt and Lotor was hard against his hip, panting and shifting restlessly on top of him.

“This ok?” Shiro murmured. Lotor nodded but went quiet and Shiro pulled back, suddenly afraid. But Lotor was smiling as he looked down at him, and then he stood and pulled off his clothes and Shiro couldn’t help licking his lips as he stared at him in awe. He was covered in scars that scared Shiro desperately, terrified him- the mark on his stomach most of all, where Shiro had nearly killed him back in the arena.

But he was still so painfully beautiful, especially now- flushed with arousal, his chest heaving and hair mussed and floating down around his face like a halo.

“Am I going to be the only one naked around here?” Lotor asked and Shiro finally jumped into gear- pulling off his shirt and pants.

“Anything else you’d like me to do?” he asked, grinning up at him.

“Yeah,” Lotor said. “Everything.”

“We’d better get started then, huh,” Shiro said.

“We have all night,” Lotor said, returning to the bed and sighing as Shiro ran the fingertips of his left hand down his chest and sides, over his sharp hip bones. “I want you to make love to me.”

“Yes, sir,” Shiro said and Lotor laughed. “You wouldn’t happen to have any lube stashed around here somewhere, would you?”

“Somehow that wasn’t a priority when I was packing for this trip,” Lotor said dryly. “But I think we could-” he glanced down to his leaking cock and Shiro got the message. “It’s uh- it’s worked before.”

“I’m game if you are, but you need to talk to me, ok? You need to tell me if it feels good, or-”

“ _Shiro_ ,” Lotor groaned, blushing as he buried his face in his hands.

“Aww, don’t go all shy on me now, baby,” Shiro teased, running his fingers lightly up Lotor’s side to make him laugh. “Communication is the healthy foundation-”

“Shut _up_ ,” Lotor said, finally looking up at him. “Come on, would you just-”

“Yeah,” Shiro said and bent to kiss him as he stroked his cock, gathering as much slick on his fingers as he could. “Maybe my robot hand needs some upgrades,” he said against Lotor’s ear as he rubbed gently around his hole, just teasing him for now. “I mean, what good are vibrating fingers without a lube dispenser, right?”

“Oh my god,” Lotor laughed. “You really are a pervert! Let me just draw up some schematics for your- ah-” He broke off, biting his lip and letting his legs fall open wider as Shiro finally pushed his first finger inside. He was so tight and hot that Shiro gasped, closing his eyes and pressing his face against Lotor’s hair.

“I’m listening, baby,” Shiro said, pushing his own hard cock up against Lotor’s hip so he could get a little relief. “You’re so sexy when you talk about your _schematics_.”

Lotor laughed again, but it was breathy now and Shiro knew he didn’t need to be afraid anymore.

“I can take another,” Lotor said.

Shiro added a finger as he pressed hot open-mouthed kisses to his neck. He was sweating and and tasted of salt, of the strange alien soap from before, and of something that was just himself, warm and familiar. “Lotor,” Shiro whispered just to watch him shiver, and added a third finger without waiting to be asked.

Lotor arched up with a gasp, trying to get closer, get more.

“I thought you were telling me about schematics?” Shiro teased. “I’m so curious-”

“You’re being a little too mouthy,” Lotor said good-naturedly as he wrapped an arm around Shiro’s shoulders to drag him down for a heated kiss even as he reached for Shiro’s cock with his other hand.

Shiro gasped and faltered at the first touch, the feeling of Lotor’s long elegant fingers wrapping around him, strong and confident. His palm was calloused differently now than what he’d been used to, but it felt amazing and familiar all the same.

“Focus, darling,” Lotor said. “Keep fingering me.”

“Yeah,” Shiro breathed out, suddenly out of jokes. He couldn’t help the restless thrusting of his hips against Lotor, pushing his aching cock into Lotor’s hand. He fought to focus on opening Lotor up, thrusting into him, but it was so hard with the way his head was swimming.

“I’m ready,” Lotor said and Shiro pulled his fingers out slowly.

“You wanna get on top?”

“Yeah,” Lotor said, and they pulled back from each other so Shiro could lie down with Lotor straddling him.

Shiro set his hands gently over Lotor’s hips and tried not to lose it as Lotor sank down over him, seating himself on Shiro’s cock.

“Oh-” Shiro breathed out, relaxing into the sheets as Lotor started to move. It was absolute bliss and he tightened his hands.

_“Shiro,”_ Lotor whispered, so open and full of pleasure, and Shiro moved to sit up, to get closer to him. He braced himself against the mattress with his metal arm as he wrapped the other around Lotor’s waist.

“Yeah,” he managed, forcing his eyes open so he could take in the glory of Lotor above him, his lithe body moving over him. “Look at me,” Shiro whispered. “Open your beautiful eyes for me, baby- I want to see you.”

Lotor moaned but then he was opening his eyes just like Shiro asked and they watched each other as he moved, making everything so much more intense.

“Are you with me?” Shiro asked and Lotor laughed and bent to kiss him, sloppy and wild now.

“Yes,” he whispered against Shiro’s lips. “Yes- Shiro- ah-!”

“Yeah,” Shiro moaned. “Can I- is it ok if I-”

“Yes,” Lotor managed, “yes, please- Shiro-”

Shiro tightened his hold over Lotor’s waist before turning, tipping him down into the sheets. Lotor moaned and arched up into him, wrapping his legs around him eagerly.

“I still want you to look at me, though,” Shiro said. Lotor huffed out an annoyed laugh before opening his eyes and Shiro held his gaze as he sped up.

“Is this good?” he asked. “Is this how you want it?”

“Oh fuck,” Lotor whispered, fighting to keep his eyes open. “Yes, I- yes- you know I do, you know-”

Shiro grinned and fucked into him harder just to watch the way he fought to look at him, to feel the way his fingers tightened over Shiro’s shoulders. He dropped his left hand down to stroke Lotor’s cock and his moan rocked through him like a physical touch, making him shiver all over.

Lotor bit his lip as he threw his head back, tightening around him, urging him onwards. They were both gasping by then, so close- just on the edge.

“Can you come for me, baby?” Shiro asked. “I want you to come first.”

He sped up and then Lotor was losing it, shaking apart in his arms and tightening around him and it took only a few more strokes before he was there too, sighing against Lotor’s neck.

Shiro stilled, breathing hard as he waited for his heart to calm.

“Shiro,” Lotor said restlessly after a moment, and Shiro pulled back with a laugh.

“How’s that for a date?” he asked before kissing Lotor, slow and lazy.

“Pretty good,” Lotor said once he’d pulled away.

“Wow,” Shiro said. “I was expecting a more rousing review.”

Lotor laughed and turned so his head was pillowed on Shiro’s shoulder.

“Four and a half stars out of five,” he said dryly.

“I’m hurt,” Shiro muttered, raising his hand to stroke Lotor’s hair.

“Well, we have to leave something to strive for, don’t we? Can’t have you getting a big head.”

Shiro laughed too, and Koko hissed at them from his spot in the chair, standing and turning so he was facing away from them.

“I don’t think your space cat likes us fucking in the same room as him.”

“I guess he’ll just have to get used to it, won’t he,” Lotor said. Shiro grinned as he pulled him closer, feeling more happy and at peace than he had in a long time.

 

* * *

 

They lingered at the outpost for another few days, neither of them eager to leave even as their cash slowly dwindled, forcing them to think about what to do next. On the morning of the fourth day Shiro woke and went to the window in time to watch as a ragged ship landed just outside the settlement. Five dangerous-looking aliens wearing mismatched armor and armed to the teeth emerged and started harassing merchants in the square below.

“Lotor,” he said quietly. Lotor got up from where he was playing with Koko on the bed to walk over and stand beside him.

“What is it?” he asked, but his gaze zeroed in on the new arrivals immediately.

“Bandits.”

“So what, you want to start a brawl?”

“No, I’m just thinking- we need a ship. There’s one sitting right there.”

Lotor grinned. “Well well, good Captain Shirogane turning to piracy. Never thought I’d see the day.”

“Maybe these guys need to be put in their place,” Shiro said with a shrug. “Clearly they’re dicks.”

“Fine by me,” Lotor said. “We should hurry, though. We don’t know how long they’ll be here.”

“Yeah,” Shiro said, already turning to get dressed in his armor as Lotor joined him. They pulled their blankets around them again and put up their hoods before leaving, keeping to the edge of the market as they made their way over to the bandit ship.

There were two more aliens guarding it, but they weren’t expecting any trouble so they didn’t put up much of a fight when Shiro and Lotor knocked them out and dumped them into the sand outside.

The ship wasn’t too big, and it was closer to a freighter than a fighter, but it had some decent weapons that had clearly been retrofitted. Lotor sat down to figure out the flight controls while Shiro monitored the sensors to keep an eye on the bandits still in the market.

“This might be a little rough,” Lotor said and Koko hissed, running to hide under one of the panels.

“Ready when you are,” Shiro said as he buckled himself into the co-pilot’s seat.

Lotor shot him a grin before starting the ignition sequence.

“They noticed that,” Shiro muttered as he watched the bandits starting to run back towards the ship, but it was too late. Lotor engaged the thrusters and they were rising, slow and shaky at first, but then Lotor tightened his hands over the controls and pulled back with an exhilarated laugh and they were rocketing upwards, smooth and easy.

Once they left orbit Lotor grew serious and pulled the ship to a stop.

“Give me a second to enter the coordinates for the Marmora base,” Shiro said.

“Shiro- wait,” Lotor said, his hand shooting out to stop Shiro from touching the console.

“What’s wrong?” Shiro asked with a frown.

“What if-” Lotor broke off and licked his lips. When he turned to look at him Shiro wasn’t quite sure what was in his eyes. Anger, determination, fear- Shiro could only stare in confusion as Lotor tightened his hand around his. “What if we didn’t go back.”

“What are you talking about? We have to-”

“Do we?” Lotor asked, louder. “The Galra have taken so much, from both of us. And we- we fought in their war, we helped the Blades kill their Emperor, their witch. I’m done. I want to be done with this. Look-” he said, motioning out at the stars. “We have a ship, we have each other- we have the whole Universe laid out for us. Isn’t this what we dreamed of? We can have it now, we can have whatever we want.”

Shiro paused, his heart stuttering nervously in his chest.

“Let them clean up the mess of their war on their own,” Lotor said. “Fuck the Galra- fuck all of them.”

“Alright,” Shiro said and Lotor looked at him in shock, like he didn’t really think Shiro would agree. “Alright. But Lotor- we should at least go back one more time, just so they know we’re alive, just to say goodbye. We owe them that much, don’t we?”

Lotor sighed and looked away, and suddenly Shiro was afraid he’d said the wrong thing.

“Alright,” Lotor said quietly. “One more time. And then we’re finished.”

“Yes,” Shiro said. “And then we’re finished- I promise.”

The trip back to base was oddly tense and silent. Lotor seemed more distant the closer they got, and then they were docking inside the hangar.

Kolivan was waiting for them. There was a cut over his forehead and he looked exhausted, but despite all that he seemed happy to see them. “We worried for you,” he said with a soft smile as Shiro and Lotor stepped closer. “Welcome back cub, kit-”

Lotor tightened his lips into a scowl and lunged forward without warning, punching Kolivan in the face as the large Galra reeled back in shock.

“Fuck you,” Lotor hissed. “Don’t you dare call me that, like you care.”

“Lotor!” Shiro gasped, trying to grab him and pull him back. Lotor shook him off and stepped forward to shove Kolivan roughly in the chest.

“You never cared, you just wanted to use me!”

“Lotor-” Kolivan said carefully.

“Who am I?” Lotor demanded. “You know, don’t you- _you know._ That’s why you got me out, not because you cared, but because- The witch said- she said I was her _son_.”

Shiro froze as he thought back to the moment when Haggar had grabbed Lotor, had looked at him like she knew him, had whispered two words. _My son._

“Did you want a puppet Altean?” Lotor hissed. “Someone to operate your Teleduv, strike down your enemies? You want me to make robeasts for you and run around on your leash?”

“We wanted a puppet Emperor,” Kolivan said. He was quiet for a long moment as Lotor’s eyes widened and he stumbled back.

“Who is my father?” Lotor whispered, like he already knew.

“Emperor Zarkon,” Kolivan said, and it felt like all the air had left the room. Shiro froze as a faint ringing filled his ears. “We had to burn Ulaz to pull you out. He was a valuable operative in Sendak’s inner circle. We wouldn’t have done that for a nobody. We did want to use you, we thought we could put you on the throne. But that was before we knew you, kit. We do care about you, that isn’t a lie.”

“You shouldn’t have kept this from me,” Lotor said, so quietly Shiro almost didn’t hear him. “You had no right-”

“Do you remember what you were like when we first brought you here?” Kolivan interrupted. “You didn’t speak for a phoeb- you didn’t eat, you didn’t sleep. You tried to escape four times and you nearly killed Regris on the last attempt. It was all we could do to keep you alive. How would you have handled it if we’d told you then? Truly? It would have destroyed you.”

“That wasn’t for you to decide,” Lotor said, shaking as he stepped back and rubbed at his face with the back of his hand. Shiro reached out to plant his hand on his lower back, trying to reassure him or at least show him he wasn’t alone. “I won’t do it,” Lotor said at last. “I won’t.”

“I know, kit,” Kolivan said. “Even if you were willing- it’s too late. The Kral Zera has come and gone and our efforts to sabotage it failed. There’s a new Emperor now.”

“So it was all for nothing,” Lotor said quietly. He laughed and the sound of it was terrifying. Shiro stepped closer to him, trying to comfort him as best he could even as he was still reeling from everything. Maybe Lotor had been right- they shouldn’t have come back.

“We’re leaving,” Shiro said. “Finish your war on your own. We’re leaving.”

Kolivan looked down. “I see,” he said quietly. “I won’t stop you.”

“I want to see the others before we go,” Lotor said. “I want to say goodbye.”

“Thace and Regris are in the medbay,” Kolivan said, sounding utterly defeated. “Antok is on the training deck.”

“Where’s Ulaz?” Lotor asked.

“Ulaz is gone. He stayed back to cover our escape and was captured. He’s a captive of Emperor Sendak.”

Lotor gasped. “No- no, you have to get him out!”

“We can’t, kit. He knew the risks, we all did. He fights in the arena now, there’s no way to get him back.”

Lotor closed his eyes, swaying on his feet. “I know a way,” he said quietly.

 

* * *

 

“Lotor, this is insane,” Shiro hissed. “Do you remember what happened the last time you saw him? Do you really think we should be doing this?"

“I’ll be prepared this time,” Lotor said firmly as he systematically removed his armor until he was just wearing his black undersuit. “I’ll be prepared for him. And I’m going to kill him.”

“There has to be another way,” Shiro pleaded. “This is way too risky-”

“There is no other way, Shiro,” Lotor said, looking up at him with fire in his eyes. “Ulaz saved me. I’m not leaving him there.”

“I hate this,” Shiro breathed out.

“I know,” Lotor said before turning and walking back to where Kolivan and Antok were waiting for him in front of the vidscreen. “Make it look good,” he said to Antok.

“Alright,” Antok said. “Are you ready, kit?”

Lotor nodded grimly and Antok pressed a soft kiss to his forehead before raising his hand and backhanding him hard across the face. Lotor cried out as he fell to the ground and Shiro felt light-headed with the anger and fear that filled him at that sound. He was shaking as he watched Lotor straighten and wipe at his sluggishly bleeding nose and lip, smearing blood over his chin. There was a red mark high over his cheek, a bruise already starting to form.

Shiro closed his eyes so he wouldn’t do something rash, like run in there and drag Lotor away, back to their stolen ship, back to Earth, back to _safety_. But they could never be safe while Sendak was out there.

“Ready?” Kolivan asked and Lotor nodded as if through a daze. Shiro waited out of sight as the transmission went out and was answered. He was shaking with rage as Sendak’s grinning face filled the screen.

“Emperor Sendak,” Kolivan said.

“Little Blades,” Sendak said, and Shiro didn’t miss the way Lotor shivered at the sound of his voice. “I assume you’ve contacted me to pledge yourselves to your Emperor.”

“Not quite,” Kolivan said. “We’d like to negotiate the release of one of our operatives. You have him fighting in your arena, his name is Ulaz.”

“And why would I give him up?” Sendak asked, baring his teeth in an expression that was more threat than smile.

“Because we’ve found something of yours, something we think you’ll want returned to you.”

Kolivan reached down to where Lotor was still sitting on the ground with his hand pressed to his face and grabbed him by the hair, yanking him up and to his feet so Sendak could see him. Lotor winced but didn’t struggle as he stared at Sendak before him.

Sendak’s eyes widened as the grin slipped off his face. He looked devastated. Shiro frowned as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“What have you done to him?” Sendak demanded.

“Nothing permanent,” Kolivan said coldly. “Not yet. We want Ulaz, and in return we’ll give you back your pet.”

“How do I know this isn’t some trick?” Sendak asked.

Lotor licked his lips slowly before looking up. “ _Sendak,_ ” he breathed out plaintively and Shiro didn’t know anymore if he was acting.

“Don’t worry, little one,” Sendak said, his tone softening into something impossibly tender. “You’ll be home soon. What are you terms?”

Kolivan shoved Lotor roughly into Antok’s arms, and Antok half led and half dragged him away. Shiro followed them out of the room, careful to stay out of Sendak’s sight. He walked out into the hall to see Antok gently wiping the blood away from Lotor’s face and smoothing his hair back.

“I’m fine,” Lotor whispered but he was shaking so hard his teeth were chattering.

“Jesus, you’re not _fine_ ,” Shiro said and didn’t recognize the tone of his own voice. Lotor flinched and it was gut-wrenching. “I’m sorry,” he said, gentler. “That was just- it was hard to watch. Let’s- let’s get you back to our room, ok? You should rest before-” He broke off, unable to say it.

They shouldn’t have come back.

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

 

* * *

 

Shiro was pacing restlessly in the cargo hold as Lotor tried to steadfastly ignore him and quell the panic rising up in his throat. Or maybe it was vomit. Either way he felt dizzy and sick, his hands shaking with nerves.

“At least put your armor back on,” Shiro said, but Lotor shook his head.

“If I’m a prisoner, why would I be in armor? We can’t tip him off.”

“It’s too dangerous! This is already insane, and now you want to face him defenseless and unarmed-”

“Shiro- _please,”_ Lotor said desperately and Shiro drew up short, finally looking at him. “Shiro,” Lotor said with a sigh, running his hands though his hair. “I’m already- this is already-” he broke off to lick his lips. “I can’t be fighting you too, right now. Ok? I need you to- I just need you to- to _stop.”_

Shiro scowled and Lotor hadn’t ever seen him look like that, not at _him_. He couldn’t help flinching and then Shiro just looked like he was on the verge of tears and that was even worse.

“Sorry,” Shiro said. “I’m just- I’m scared. I’m so scared.”

“I’m sorry,” Lotor said. He was scared too, but he couldn’t dwell on that. He needed to focus on what was about to happen, what he had to do.

“What do you need?”

Lotor wordlessly held out his hand and Shiro sat down next to him, pressing close to his side and taking his right hand in his left. Lotor pushed into his warmth, his solid weight against him.

“It’s going to be ok,” Shiro said, low and urgent. “It will be. I’ll be there with you, and so will Kolivan and Antok. He won’t know what hit him.”

“Yeah,” Lotor said quietly, squeezing Shiro’s hand tighter.

They didn’t speak after that, and slowly Lotor felt himself grow calmer as he drew on Shiro’s strength beside him.

He’d panicked, back on the Castle of Lions. He hadn’t expected to see Sendak there and the shock of it had been too much. But he knew exactly what he was getting into this time, he was prepared. He remembered Sendak’s face on the vidscreen, so tender as he called him _little one_ and told him he’d be home soon. Lotor was already home, and Sendak had no place in it.

Home was _Shiro_ , sitting beside him. It wasn’t Sendak’s ship, a cold cell and shackles, and it wasn’t Sendak’s hands on him like he was just a thing to be owned and used. Home was how he’d felt at the outpost, away from war and fear, away from everything that wasn’t Shiro and space and adventure that didn’t have to include suffering.

He wanted Ulaz back, he wanted Sendak dead, and maybe most of all he just wanted to be _free_.

The shuttle shook as they entered the atmosphere and Lotor took a deep breath. Once they came to a stop he stood, taking slow breaths to center himself. He felt oddly exposed in just his tight undersuit, practically naked without his Luxite blade. But they couldn’t risk giving the game away too soon or it would all be for nothing. They wouldn’t get a second chance at this.

“Kiss for luck?” Shiro asked quietly and Lotor grabbed him by the face, practically devouring him with how much he needed him in that moment. Shiro kissed him back just as fiercely and when they pulled away they stared at each other breathlessly.

“I love you,” Lotor said, pulling Shiro’s hand over to press it against his chest, the handprint over his heart. He needed Shiro to know that Lotor loved _him_ , and not anyone else.

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” Shiro whispered like a prayer, closing his eyes and tilting their foreheads together.

“Are you ready, kit?” Kolivan asked slowly and they moved apart.

“It’s not too late to stop this,” Antok said gruffly. “It’s not too late to put on your armor and get your blade. We can take him head on, Ulaz would understand.”

“No,” Lotor said, shaking his head. “No- we stick to the plan. Shiro?”

Shiro stepped forward to fasten metal gauntlets around his wrists. Lotor pressed a hidden switch and they magnetized together. He’d be able to open them again at any point, but they’d look enough like shackles for Sendak to be fooled, and they’d be his only form of armor other than his reinforced boots.

He forced himself to smile at the three of them. “I’m ready.”

They nodded and turned on their masks, pulling up their hoods. Lotor waited in front of the hangar door as they arranged themselves around him like jailors- Kolivan to his left, holding him tight by the upper arm, Antok to his right. Shiro was a reassuring presence at his back.

“Make it look good,” Lotor said, and finally the hangar door was opening.

His breath caught in his throat as he looked across the empty expanse of the rocky valley to the mid-size Galra ship waiting to meet them, and walking down the ramp- _Sendak._

Seeing him in the flesh, awake, _here-_ set Lotor’s heart pounding. Memories ripped through him- pain and pleasure, fear and desire, humiliation and desperation. He was frozen but then Kolivan was dragging him forward and he was back in the moment, back in his body. He swallowed nervously as they approached. Sendak was flanked by his Lieutenant, Haxus, and another Galra Lotor vaguely remembered. Throk, maybe. The two of them had Ulaz between them, wearing a prison jumpsuit and limping oddly.

Lotor focused on Ulaz, and Kolivan’s fingers gripping his arm, the feeling of Shiro behind him like a warm blanket wrapped around his shoulders, like armor. The two groups stopped a fair distance apart, staring at each other coldly for a long tense moment.

Sendak turned to Ulaz behind him and grabbed him by the back of the neck, shoving him forward. “Walk,” he hissed and Ulaz stumbled, nearly falling down.

“Walk,” Kolivan ordered, giving Lotor a push of his own.

He walked, torn between staring at Sendak and at Ulaz walking towards him. It had only been a week but he already looked worn down, exhausted. There was a cut over his cheek and he was holding his left arm carefully to his chest. He stared at Lotor’s face as he walked closer, confused and dazed, like maybe he’d been drugged. He looked like maybe he was about to speak but Lotor tightened his lips and shook his head almost imperceptibly, trying to will Ulaz to understand, to just- stay quiet and _go._

It must have worked. They passed within a hair's breadth of each other and Ulaz stumbled a little, making it look like an accident. Their shoulders brushed together, not enough to cause anyone any alarm, but enough that Lotor knew for sure Ulaz was real, that this wasn’t some hologram or trick.

That sort of thing wasn’t exactly Sendak’s style, but the fear had been at the back of Lotor’s mind anyway. At least now he knew- even if this went wrong and he was taken, at least Ulaz would be saved.

He shivered, shoving the thought away. It was going to work, it had to. The sun was beating down on him but he felt cold anyway. There was nothing to focus on now except for Sendak, getting closer with each step he took. Everything else seemed far away like a distant dream. There was a buzzing silence filling his head, silence and a dread that left him breathless. It was almost time, almost-

It was a shock when Sendak’s hand landed heavy and warm on his shoulder.

“Welcome back, little one,” he murmured and Lotor looked down at the ground as he tried not to shudder. He turned his head towards his packmates, watching as Antok strode forward to grab Ulaz around the waist and lead him up into the ship.

Now- the time was now. _Now!_

But he couldn’t- all of a sudden he couldn’t move. Sendak’s giant hand was cradling the back of his head, his thumb swiping so gently over the bruise Antok had left on his cheek. Sendak was saying something, leading him to his ship. _Now-_ he had to act now-

He couldn’t.

There was a small voice inside his head screaming in horror, screaming at him to _move-_

And then there was a blast of purple energy coming at Sendak’s head and he turned with a snarl, using his robotic arm to block it. Lotor turned too and saw Shiro with his arm up, moving towards them-

The stupor was broken. Lotor pulled his gauntlets apart and jerked out of Sendak’s grip before grabbing the dagger from the sheath on Sendak’s belt and turning to throw it at Throk. The knife lodged in his throat and he fell back with a wet gurgle.

Sendak turned back to him in shock but Shiro was firing at him again and all Lotor had to contend with for the moment was Haxus, raising his blade.

“Kit!” he heard a yell, and then the unmistakable sound of Luxite slicing through air- Kolivan had tossed him his blade. He raised his hand on instinct and caught hold of the hilt, transforming it into a sword just in time to block Haxus’s first strike. The blow jarred his arm but he gritted his teeth and kicked Haxus in the stomach to shove him back.

Kolivan rushed past him like a dark blur and Lotor turned his attention to Sendak, fighting Shiro. He was so much bigger and better trained, Shiro was already flagging. Sendak punched him hard enough to send him flying and Lotor was overtaken by terror. Shiro groaned, fighting to get up as Sendak advanced on him.

Dormant power rose within Lotor like a typhoon, like pure fury turned to lightning. He let it loose at Sendak but the Galra just blocked it again with his prosthetic. But at least he wasn’t walking towards Shiro anymore, his attention was locked on Lotor.

He backed up as Sendak advanced, trying to draw him away from Shiro, away from where Kolivan was fighting Haxus.

“What is this, little one?” Sendak asked. “Don’t you want to go home? Did they force you to play a part in their trap?”

“You’re a fool, Sendak,” Lotor spit out. “The only one that’s ever forced me into anything was _you.”_

“That’s not true,” Sendak said, and he almost sounded hurt. “We had something together, you and I. You loved it, you wanted it- I know you did and so do you. I made you into a _Champion_. Don’t you remember how sweet the chanting of the crowd was in your ears?”

He did, and he had to grit his teeth against the visceral memory of it.

“Don’t you remember how you wanted me? How you begged me?”

“Shut up,” Lotor hissed and lunged.

Sendak deflected with his metal arm before drawing his own sword with a laugh. “You can’t best me- I made you what you are. I trained you.”

“That’s exactly why I can best you,” Lotor bit out and went on the offensive, throwing all of his strength into the fight. Something about it was so familiar it made his heart ache. They’d fought like this so many times in the training pits, but he’d never faced the full might of Sendak’s militarized arm and slowly fear started to steal over him.

He couldn’t defeat Sendak with pure strength or stamina. The only advantage he had was his speed, and the maneuverability of Sendak’s floating prosthetic brought that advantage to almost zero.

Lotor was getting tired, and as he pushed his body to the limit it was all he could do to hold back panic. He wasn’t going to win. There was no way- he couldn’t.

He stumbled on a parry, he was so exhausted already, and nearly went down. He managed to recover his footing but that one slip-up had given Sendak enough time to slam into him with his metal arm, pinning him to the ground. It was huge over him and Lotor pushed against it uselessly. The metal fingers burned and cut into his undersuit, his flesh. He screamed, wild with pain and fear as Sendak came closer.

“I don’t want to do this to you, little one,” Sendak said. “Come home with me- just come home and everything will be forgiven. Everything, I promise you.”

There was a time when Lotor would have done anything for the promise of Sendak’s forgiveness, for the soft way that Sendak was looking at him. Not now, not anymore.

He let rage fill him and lashed out with lightning. Sendak pulled back with a choked-off gasp and suddenly Shiro was there, punching him in the chest with his glowing fist to knock him fully off of Lotor. Sendak fell to the ground and Shiro took a step forward to loom over him, getting ready to fire an energy blast into his face. Sendak froze and looked over at where Lotor was slowly getting to his feet.

Lotor groaned as he walked closer and sank to the ground, pinning Sendak down with a knee to his chest as he pressed his blade to his throat.

“You’re going to kill me, little one?” Sendak asked incredulously. Even now there was a faint smile playing over his lips. “I love you.”

Lotor inhaled sharply as he stared at Sendak under him. “You don’t love me,” he said. “How can you? You don’t even know who I am.”

“I know exactly who you are, my Champion.” Sendak raised his hand to hold Lotor’s face and it was familiar, grounding. Lotor had to fight not to close his eyes and lean into it.

“Do you even know my name?” he whispered. “Say it, Sendak. Say my name, and I’ll let you go.”

Sendak tightened his lips and let his hand fall to the ground. There was only fury in his eyes now, rage that his _pet_ had reared up and bitten him, that his possession had dared turn against him.

“Good bye, Sendak,” Lotor said sadly, and slit his throat.

 

* * *

 

Lotor couldn’t stop shaking for a long time after as he sat on the edge of Ulaz’s cot with Shiro beside him, holding his hand so tightly it almost hurt. After they got back to the base all he wanted to do was sleep, but he couldn’t bear the thought of Sendak’s blood on his skin, the grit and sweat of the battle rising sharp to his nostrils and making him want to vomit.

He and Shiro propped each other up in the shower, washing slowly not because they wanted to linger but because they were too exhausted to go any faster. Afterwards they curled up together in bed, still naked and damp, and slept.

In the morning they kissed slowly for a long while, touching each other reverently like somehow that would prove that this was all _real_. They were free, free, free.

Ulaz was at breakfast with the others, looking so much better already, and he dragged Lotor into a warm hug that seemed to last for ages and ended in laugher.

“What now?” Shiro asked quietly after they’d finished eating, his arm a warm weight around Lotor’s waist. “Is there going to be another Kral Zera?”

“There has to be,” Kolivan said. “But at this point… there aren’t many left who would even attempt it. There were many casualties in the explosion we set during the last one, and in the scant cycle Sendak was Emperor he brutally consolidated his power- executing many of the Commanders who could dare stand against him. There are so few left, now. Ladnok, Sniv, maybe a few others. Weaklings, all.”

“We should send one of our own to claim the throne,” Ulaz said slowly. “Who could stand against us?”

“Who would we send?” Regris asked.

“Kolivan,” Antok said firmly. “He’s the best choice.”

“Not our Prince?” Ulaz asked.

Lotor shook his head firmly. “No. I’m done. We’re leaving, now that it’s all over.”

Murmurs of surprise rose around the table, but Kolivan just nodded.

“Where will you go?” he asked.

Lotor looked up into Shiro’s warm gray eyes and smiled. “Wherever we want.”

“Everywhere,” Shiro said, and leaned in for a kiss.

 

 


	11. Epilogue

 

* * *

 

 

“Prepare for landing,” Lotor said.

“I’m plenty prepared,” Shiro said. He was sitting in the co-pilot’s seat with his feet up on the console, tugging on Koko’s tail playfully while the cat glared at him.

“Shiro, come on,” Lotor groaned.

“What, are you worried you’re going to crash our ship again?” Shiro asked as he straightened and pulled on his seat belt. “If you’re so scared I can take over and land it myself.”

Lotor rolled his eyes as Shiro laughed and held Koko a little tighter, just in case.

The ship shook as they entered Earth’s atmosphere and Shiro leaned forward, his breath catching in his throat as they descended through the clouds and the world spread out below them.

“Wow,” he said breathlessly. He’d seen the view of course, back when he’d been training to fly. But it was always beautiful. It was especially beautiful now, after spending so much time away. Lotor took them down smoothly towards the desert and Shiro could just make out the familiar form of the Garrison, though now the perimeter was marked by pillars that could form a particle barrier, protecting the campus in the event of an attack.

They were flying low enough now to see the forms of the various students and instructors standing below, waving at their ship in excitement. Lotor took them in for a landing in the airfield and Shiro helped as they started the process of shutting down the engines and shifting the crystal into its dormant power mode. They wouldn’t be leaving for a few weeks at least, and they’d be able to recharge their auxiliary power cells while they were here.

“Ready?” Shiro asked as he stood, Koko jumping off his lap with a hiss.

“Yeah,” Lotor said and reached for his hand.

“Nervous?” Shiro asked as they walked to the hangar.

“Nah,” Lotor said, squeezing tighter. “I’ve got my space boyfriend and space cat with me. What do I have to be nervous about?”

Shiro had half expected the whole Garrison to be there to greet them, but thankfully it was just Sam, Colleen, Matt, and Iverson waiting for them.

Matt was the first one to rush in, hugging Shiro with a laugh. Lotor held out his hand but Matt grabbed him for a hug too, patting him on the back firmly a few times before stepping back. “You could have visited sooner, you bums,” he said with a grin.

The others were a little more reserved, and Shiro was surprised to see Iverson holding back tears as he set his hand over Lotor’s shoulder. He’d been Lotor’s mentor while he’d been at the Garrison for those two years before Shiro had come, and he’d taken Lotor’s disappearance hard.

“It’s good to have you back,” Iverson said, his voice cracking. “All of you.”

Lotor was looking a little weepy himself by then, so Shiro stepped closer and wrapped an arm around his waist. “I was expecting a little more fanfare,” he joked. “A parade, maybe a medal. Cake, at least. We did sort of save the universe.”

“There’s a ceremony,” Iverson said, getting himself together. “Tomorrow afternoon. We thought we’d give you the night to settle in.”

“And I’ve baked a pie,” Colleen said with a smile. “It’s the least I can do for the men who brought my son and my husband back to me. But first- dinner.”

Shiro and Lotor shared an excited glance. _Earth food_. It felt like ages since they’d had anything but food goo and weird alien dishes that were more often terrible than not.

“Come along,” Sam said, waving for them to follow.

The six of them went to Sam and Colleen’s quarters, where the dinner table was already set for them.

“Go on, sit,” Colleen said, before bustling off to the kitchen, dragging Matt along with her.

They’d barely settled before Matt set down the first plate of food- buttery biscuits fresh from the oven. And then there was food coming in a steady stream- a variety of cheeses with crackers and toast points, three different salads, fried chicken with dipping sauces, mashed potatoes fragrant with garlic, a spicy lamb stew, some sort of casserole covered in golden breadcrumbs-

“Holy-” Lotor breathed out as he stared.

“Colleen, this is a feast,” Shiro managed, stunned. He’d never seen a spread like this before in his entire life. His grandmother had been a great cook but she didn’t usually make more than one or two dishes at a time. The orphanage didn’t exactly go all out- they considered it a party when they got more than one cookie during the holidays- and the Garrison had only served bland cafeteria food. Blade celebrations had been more heavy on liquor than food, and since then they’d been bumming around the universe and considering themselves lucky when they had something a little more flavorful than bland nutritional paste to eat. “You didn’t have to go to all this trouble-”

“Nonsense,” she said with a laugh. “It wasn’t any trouble, not for you two.”

It was a struggle not to devour everything in front of him but somehow Shiro managed, forcing himself to go slow so he could try everything.

Lotor seemed to be more at ease now too, and when prompted they shared stories of their adventures- how they’d saved a Unilu merchant ship from a group of Galra pirates, how they’d lost their first ship when they got trapped in a field of Xanthorium clusters and ended up drifting through space for two days in just a disabled escape pod until Thace found them, responding to the emergency Blade distress signal they’d sent out.

Thace had chewed them out for that one so badly they couldn’t look him in the eye for a week, but then he’d taken them to New Daibazaal to see Kolivan- Emperor of the Galra now- and their old Leader had seen fit to gift them another ship, their current one. They’d had run-ins with Voltron too, significantly more friendly ones than the first had been.

They’d helped Voltron evacuate the citizens of Taujeer, defeat a strange tree-beast on Olkarion, repair a shielding station to save the colony it protected from harmful radiation. Beyond that- there was always something to see, something to do. The universe was still reeling from ten thousand years of Galra occupation, and more often than not their time was spent helping refugees.

“So basically what you’re saying is that you’re unemployed,” Matt teased with a grin. “How do you even have money?”

Shiro laughed. “We’re sort of on retainer for the New Galra Empire. Kolivan calls us in sometimes, when he needs an extra set of hands.”

“You’re getting an allowance from space dad!” Matt exclaimed, slapping his knee as he laughed.

“I guess so,” Shiro said with a grin, draping his arm over Lotor’s shoulders. “Space dad Kolivan. Or is it Emperor Leader?”

Lotor snorted, his shoulders shaking with laughter. “Don’t let him hear you call him that.”

“Are you boys ready for pie?” Colleen asked.

“Oh man,” Shiro said, dropping his hand to his stomach. He’d forgotten about the pie and now he was hopelessly full.

“There’s ice cream, too,” Sam said with a smile.

“Oh man,” Shiro groaned. “I can’t believe I don’t have room for ice cream…”

“Why don’t we take a break,” Iverson said. “I’ve got something for you two anyway.” He stood from the table, motioning for Shiro and Lotor to follow.

“Wait, we should help clear the table,” Lotor said.

“No guest of mine will be clearing the table,” Colleen said with a wink. “Matt and Sam will do it.”

“Alright,” Lotor said, smiling as he took Shiro’s hand.

They followed Iverson into the spare bedroom and he motioned to a small crate sitting on the desk. “Your personal effects. After you disappeared, I went through your rooms. This should be everything.”

“Oh,” Shiro said, staring.

“Well,” Iverson said, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’ll leave you to go through it.”

“Thank you,” Lotor said.

“Wow,” Shiro said after Iverson had gone. He stepped over to the crate containing their old life, not sure what he was feeling. Longing, and also something like fear. “Do you want to see?” he asked, turning back to Lotor.

“Yeah, why not,” Lotor said with a small smile.

Shiro took the crate and brought it over to the bed, setting it down in the middle so they could sit to either side of it. A reverent hush fell over the room as they slowly opened it and looked inside.

Shiro couldn’t help laughing at the first thing he saw, an old tee-shirt that said “it’s always wine’o clock” that Lotor had gotten for him as a joke. There were paperbacks underneath, old tattered sci-fi novels and a few romances with racy covers featuring muscular astronauts and scantily clad aliens.

“Oh my god,” Lotor muttered. “I don’t love that Iverson has seen these…”

Shiro laughed again, his shoulders relaxing as they kept looking. He wasn’t sure what he’d been so afraid of, maybe that seeing their old knick-knacks would make him regret their current life. But despite everything terrible that had happened, they had made it through- they were together. They were living their dream for _real_ , now. They were exploring the universe, having adventures, helping people. Everything in the box just seemed like a sweet reminder of a long-gone time, when they’d been happy and young and naive.

They were happy now, too. They were happy in a different way, a more mature way, where they treasured every moment they had together.

“What’s this?” Shiro asked as he saw something unfamiliar. He smiled as he pulled it out of the box. It was a mason jar full of sand with a piece of twine wrapped around it and a note that read-

_To the love of my life-_

_-L_

Lotor blushed and looked away.

“Lotor, what is this?” Shiro asked with a delighted laugh, turning the jar over in his hands.

“It’s sand,” Lotor said, “from the spot where we had our first kiss.”

“I didn’t know you were such a romantic,” Shiro said, leaning closer.

“Yeah, well…”

Shiro kissed him across the crate, holding the jar of sand in his hands. “We’re taking this with us,” he said firmly. “Is there anything else we want?”

Lotor shrugged, lowering his hands into the box. “We don’t really need any of this,” he said, picking up a novelty shot glass with a picture of an alligator on it.

“Everything I need is right here,” Shiro said, taking Lotor’s hand.

They smiled at each other for a long moment before Colleen called them back in for pie. Shiro put the jar of sand into his pack before they left the room and the box behind.

They ate pie and ice cream and talked around the table, and then it was getting late and Lotor stood, Shiro following him.

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay here?” Sam asked. “We have a spare room.”

“We’ll be more comfortable on our ship,” Shiro said with a small smile. “It’s home now. Seems silly not to go back when it’s right there.”

“Alright,” Sam said, nodding. “We’ll see you tomorrow then. We start working on the Teleduv in the morning.”

“And the award ceremony is in the afternoon,” Iverson said.

“Thank you,” Shiro said, wrapping his arm around Lotor’s waist. “We’ll see you all tomorrow.”

Lotor waved and then they were off, headed back to the airfield.

The night air was cool and fresh, the smells of the desert so familiar it made Shiro’s heart ache. Their ship was looming out at them out of the darkness, the auxiliary battery cells glowing with a soothing purple light. Shiro typed in a brief command at his gauntlet and the door to the hold started opening smoothly.

“Wait,” Lotor said, pausing at the threshold. “Wait- do you still have the jar?”

“Yeah, of course,” Shiro said, pulling it out of his pack. “What is it?”

“Ok,” Lotor said, and for some reason he seemed nervous as he took the jar out of Shiro’s hand. “I- well. Well. The jar is full of sand, from the desert. But- but the sand isn’t the important part. The important part is… what we found in the sand. Each other.”

Lotor unscrewed the jar and dropped the lid carelessly before taking Shiro’s left hand in his and pressing his fingers to the opening. He smiled, and then flipped the jar upside down.

Shiro watched as the sand sifted through his fingers, falling to the ground, and then… there was something dropping into his hand, something solid and dark, heavy. He curled his fingers up carefully to cradle the object even as the sand kept flowing, and when he drew his hand away he was holding a small black box. “Lotor?” he asked quietly.

Lotor didn’t say anything else as Shiro opened the box to find a simple ring, a band of rose gold.

“Oh,” he breathed out. “Oh. This is it. This is-”

“Will you marry me, Takashi Shirogane?” Lotor asked, raising his hands to Shiro’s face.

“Yes,” Shiro laughed. “Yes! Yes, of course I will. Hold on-” He fumbled around in his pockets to pull out his own small box, handing it over with a grin. Lotor opened it and smiled to find a Luxite ring inside.

“I asked- I asked the Blades. They all gave up a small piece of their daggers, and- and Antok forged them into a ring. I figured- I didn’t have to worry about the design that way- you could shift it into anything you wanted.”

Lotor laughed and slipped the ring over his finger before pressing closer to kiss Shiro deeply. “It’s perfect,” he whispered. “It’s perfect already. You’re so-”

“Yeah,” Shiro laughed, pulling him in closer.

They kissed for a while before pulling back, suddenly awkward.

“What now?” Lotor asked.

“I don’t know,” Shiro said. “This is usually when the movies fade to black and cut scene to the wedding.”

“Well… why don’t we just go home?” Lotor asked.

“Yeah,” Shiro said, taking Lotor’s hand to lead him up into the ship.

They closed the hangar and engaged the particle barrier before practically running back to the bedroom.

Shiro laughed as he finally put on his own ring and then Lotor was pushing him into the sheets with a smile.

“You’re amazing,” Shiro murmured against him.

“So are you,” Lotor said before moving to pull off his clothes. Shiro followed suit, and then they were both naked and he laughed at Lotor on top of him, kissing him. Everything was amazing.

“You wanna fuck me tonight?” Shiro asked, pushing his hands through Lotor’s silky white hair.

“Yeah, always,” Lotor laughed. He got settled between Shiro’s thighs and Shiro handed him the lube out of the nightstand drawer. He spread his legs wider in anticipation and smiled as Lotor touched him. He was so gentle as he pushed inside and Shiro welcomed him in, relaxing around him.

“You don’t have to go so slow,” Shiro whispered, arching his back to push closer.

“Patience yields focus, darling,” Lotor said and Shiro laughed breathlessly. Lotor twisted his fingers up and Shiro moaned, throwing his head back. Lotor’s fingers were so hot inside him, so deep. He relaxed, letting Lotor take his time no matter how much he wanted more, and finally Lotor shifted to push his cock inside and Shiro grinned, shifting his hips up to take him in easier.

“Yeah,” he whispered, enjoying the slick stretch, the pressure. “Yeah, baby- come on.”

“Easy,” Lotor said, bending down to kiss him. “Hey,” he said when he drew back. “I had an idea- do you want to try something different?”

Shiro opened his eyes to see that Lotor was holding his hand up, and it was glowing a soft healing blue.

“Sex magic?” he asked. “Hell yeah. What did you have in mind?”

“Alright,” Lotor grinned. “Ok- just- just let me show you. Let me know if you want to stop.”

He leaned down to press his glowing hand to the side of Shiro’s face. Shiro grinned with excitement, and then he felt warmth flowing through him and Lotor’s mind brushing against his own.

“Easy,” Lotor whispered. “Just relax, let me- let me in-”

“Yeah, ok,” Shiro said, wrapping his legs around Lotor’s hips to drag him in closer. He looked up into Lotor’s eyes, glowing softly now, and then the feeling of closeness got more intense, and he felt Lotor push inside him in a way he’d never felt before.

For a second he was seeing double- he saw Lotor’s face as well as his own, through Lotor’s eyes. He laughed as they both shut their eyes against it, and then Shiro gasped as he felt-

He felt his own body, with Lotor on top of him, inside him. But he could feel what Lotor was feeling too, the tight heat around his cock- _himself._

_“Fuck,”_ he groaned, and the sound of it echoed as he heard the word through Lotor’s ears as well as his own.

“Should I-” Lotor asked.

“Don’t stop,” Shiro said, tightening his hands around Lotor’s waist, his ass. “Come on, fuck me.” He trailed his fingers up Lotor’s side and shivered as he felt it on his own skin, and then Lotor was moving and he couldn’t breathe- neither of them could.

It was amazing, overwhelming, impossibly intimate. Shiro could feel every ridge of Lotor’s cock dragging past his rim from the inside and the outside, and through all of it he just wanted more.

“I know,” Lotor laughed. “I can feel-”

“Come on,” Shiro urged, “please, just- come on, baby. I need you.”

“Oh,” Lotor gasped, burying his face into Shiro’s neck as he sped up. It was so much, so good, and Shiro clutched at Lotor’s back to drag him closer, clutched at his ass.

“Oh fuck,” Shiro gasped, arching up into him, moving with him. “Yeah, just-”

They cried out in unison when Lotor sped up, and then Shiro didn’t quite know where his body ended and Lotor’s began. His mind was swimming with pleasure, not just his own, and it was overwhelming. He let himself go, sinking into it, and then it was just heat and electricity and love cradling him.

They came at the same time, and feeling Lotor’s orgasm as well as his own left Shiro reeling and fighting to catch his breath. Lotor collapsed on top of him, just as winded, and slowly the connection faded and it was just Shiro, alone in his body again. He shivered, missing Lotor already.

“Holy hell,” Shiro whispered as Lotor carefully pulled back and moved to lie half on top of him, resting his head on Shiro’s chest. “That was-“

“Pretty neat,” Lotor said.

He laughed, bringing his hand up to card through Lotor’s hair. “Vibrating space fingers are pretty neat. That was- that was something else. My boyfriend is a sex wizard.”

“Fiancé,” Lotor said.

_“Fiancé,”_ Shiro repeated reverently. “Where do you want to have the wedding?”

“Space,” Lotor said with a grin. “Remember that nebula we found after we almost got our ship stolen by pirates? The pink one? There.”

“Kolivan can perform the ceremony, if he can get away from his Emperor duties long enough.”

“He’ll make time,” Lotor said.

“Matt’s going to be my best man,” Shiro said. “Or maybe Keith.”

“Would it be weird if I picked Ulaz?” Lotor asked. “Maybe Iverson would do it. Or maybe-” He broke off to yawn widely and Shiro laughed, tightening his arms around him.

“Go to sleep, baby,” he said. “We can figure it out tomorrow. We have all the time in the world now.”

“Yeah,” Lotor whispered and Shiro could feel his smile against his skin.

  


_fin._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's all, folks! Hope you enjoyed the fic :) If you did, please consider leaving a comment <3

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr at [barbitone](http://barbitone.tumblr.com/) and pillowfort also at [barbitone](https://www.pillowfort.io/barbitone)


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